Growing From Radical Forgiveness: Donna Fairhurst on transitioning to an enviable life through forgiveness

From near blindness, polio, cancer, three near-death experiences, bankruptcy, multiple career and home transitions, and two failed marriages, Donna Fairhurst, intuitive life and soul transition coach, earned her PhD from the University of Life. On this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, Donna tells us how radical forgiveness helped her transition from chaos to calmness and led her to marry the “best thing that ever happened to her” at 54! 
Through her coaching program, Donna now empowers other women to experience their own transformational transitions too.

Donna’s story teaches us that no matter how much mess we find ourselves in, forgiveness can help us gain the enviable life we desire.

Follow Donna on Instagram @soulfullsolutionsdfairhurst 

Join Donna’s Facebook Group SoulfullSolutionsInc

Book a complimentary session of Donna’s signature coaching program, “Zero 2 Clarity” on www.donnafairhurst.com

Please DM me on Instagram or Facebook @judithobatusa to let me know what you thought of this episode. If you'll love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here.  

Music Credit:  https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter 

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Thank you so much for listening.

Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

Transcript

JKO:       This is Messy Can't Stop Her. And I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa. J-K-O. 

Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women who have come through challenges. Challenges can stabilize our lives and make us feel or look as if we do not know what we're doing. But these women that come on Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast, are women who, despite the challenges, despite the chaos, crisis, whatever you may call it, were able to hold on to their beliefs and their dreams. And today, they're here to share those stories of how they overcame so that you and I can overcome regardless of whatever we're going through. Today, we have Donna Fairhurst. She's an intuitive life and soul transition coach. Isn't that something you need when you're in a mess? Someone to help you, guide you, hold your hand, support you to come through. So, Donna has her story and she's here with us today. Thank you, Donna. 

Donna: Thank you so much for having me Judith. It's a blessing to be here with you today. 

JKO:       You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. Donna refers to herself as a proud graduate and endless student of the University of life on planet Earth. She actually has a PhD, and she hasn't stopped learning in this University of life. Donna has studied with many teachers, so when she calls herself a student of life, she is not joking about it. Donna has studied with many teachers, including an Egyptian Coptic priest, a Jesuit priest, a Buddhist nun, an Imam. And not only has she studied under these teachers, she has also studied under the experiences of life. Donna is a survivor. She's a survivor of near blindness, polio, cancer, three near death experiences, a survivor of family and friends that did not appreciate her differences, her unique traits that she came to this Earth with. She's a survivor of relationships that haven't worked out. But you know what? She's a survivor like, not any other survivor that you know, because this one is not just a survival. Today she's a triumphant survivor. Donna is just going to go into those things we talked about, near blindness, polio cancer, near death experiences. Can you just give us a little snippet about some of these experiences that have made you this intuitive and empathetic life coach that you are today? 

Donna: Oh, Judith. Well, I've been in this planet for 70 plus years, and I've had a lot of challenges, a lot of joys, a lot of pain and a lot of triumph. And I've come to learn in this PhD journey of life that we're all on it. There's no escaping the challenges and challenges that we face, big or small, are divinely guided and sent to us and held in the arms of our Angels around us to bring us to a Fuller understanding of the fullness of our soul and how we are to connect and share that that's why I was divinely guided to name my company Soul Full F-U-L-L solutions. And quite literally, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Some things will let you down, take you down. There is always a way, a way to lift yourself up. And sometimes that's leaning into prayer, sometimes that's leaning into guidance from elders, sometimes that's seeking solution from professional or counselor. I was born legally blind. All I could see was color and things very up close to me. So, I learned to see life through the lens of color. And everyone showed up to me as a variety of colors that were expressed in their energy. And I learned that when their moods changed or their belief systems changed, their colors changed. So, somebody who would go from a vibrant, connected earthy red, and it would go real dark, I would know, would be angry. Somebody who had this beautiful heart space that was generally a lovely, deep Emerald green with pink in the center would suddenly go to this yellow limey color. And I knew that they were experiencing jealousy. I never questioned how I knew these things. I didn't even really have names for them. But it was quite disconcerting for my parents. And at one point in my early, well, not even my preteens, they took me to a child psychiatrist to have me hypnotized and counseled so as to not remember my dreams and my psychic and empathic impression. So it was hard, and I shut down and I literally went underground. I went into the closet, so to speak. I mean, that wasn't a saying in my childhood. It is now. And I didn't come out of it. I'd peek out, I'd take little forays out, and I would be frightened again, and I would go back in. So I just lived my life. And during that life, I had polio, I had cancer. I went through two divorces, I'm in my third marriage. And God, thank you, Lord, sent me my soul mate and the deepest, best companion I could ever imagine. When I stopped looking and I leaned into myself, leaned into my soul and my strength and declared to the Lord, Oh, God, I don't need a man. I don't want another pair of socks under my bed for the rest of my life. And God laughed and shrugged and said, we'll see. And sent me Frank. And frankly, he's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I am so in love and so empowered with his partnership, his companionship, and his full understanding of who I am. And that is the one thing that I would make completely clear. You are who you declare yourself to be, and you will attract to you exactly what you say you are. So if you say, I don't even call myself a survivor anymore, I call myself a champion in the challenges of my life. See, see, Champion challenge, they come together. 

JKO:       This is so good. You are a champion. And you're not just a champion in the challenges of your life. You're a champion to us. Women who are privileged to have met you, women who have listened to you speak, women who have studied under you. You are a champion. And you're not just saying it. We are seeing it. So I'm just going to something that many women on this podcast have spoken about the issue of relationship and how it impacted their lives. And you, you’re in your third marriage. So the first, the second and then third coming, not when you were a spring chicken. And it's so wonderful. I'm so happy to hear that. But I want to just take you back because you have so many experiences in life, but because that is something that many people have spoken about. I'm just going to ask you a few questions around that. Regarding the person that you were, that even your family couldn't come to terms with the specialness of your person, how did it impact you in your relationships with these people, especially the man that you eventually married? How did that particular experience from childhood impact those other relationships with the knowledge that you had about the difficulty your family had in understanding who you were? 

Donna: Well, my parents were very different people. My mother was what I would say, hugely educated. She had two degrees, one in nursing and one in education, and was an only child whose mother died very young. So, she was a remote mother during my early childhood. And my father came from a large French-Canadian family, 18 children surviving and was Roman Catholic. So, I have this really Baptist United, single child, single family mother. And then this French-Canadian cowboy father from a huge French-Canadian family. And the two of them were madly in love, but they really didn't know how to connect with what I would call calm. It was such a roller coaster my whole life in that relationship. And I recently decided that love was like a jigsaw puzzle. And there were the four corners. You know how when you start one of those crazy, your grandmother gives you a 1000-piece puzzle for Christmas or your birthday and you know you've got to do it because she's going to call and ask, come and see how much you've done. So most people start with the four corners, find the corner pieces, get the outline, and then figure out what it's all about. And all the colors are somewhat the same. So it's like shooting in the dark for the right piece and you're always trying to work to the center. And for me, the center was love. And what does love mean for me and how am I supposed to experience it and to express it? And I realized early on that God divinely sent me source, Creator, whatever you want to call what you believe is, gave me these four corners of my puzzle. And the first one was my father. And what I learned from my father is you can love someone deeply without liking who they always are. And you might be able to learn to like them and love them, but that doesn't mean you can necessarily approve of, appreciate or live with them. So, from my father, I learned that I was strong enough to choose my own beliefs and to do it with joy. I married someone very much like my father, the Hunter, fisherman, outdoorsman. He was six years older than me, the boy next door. And somehow from the age of nine, I always knew I was going to marry him. And when I was 15, he said, you got another year, and then I'm going to come back, and then we're going to be boyfriend and girlfriend for two years, and then we're going to get married when you're 18. And I bought it, hook line and sinker. And so did my parents to a degree. And so life circled round. I married him, and within ten months I realized that this man was abusive, that he was alcoholic like my father, that he had great anger inside of him for the losses in his own life. And it took me exactly a year and two months to say, I am out of here. Now, was there a lot of damage done and a lot of pain in that? There was. I didn't even tell my parents I left until I left, got a divorce, and then told them because I knew if my parents found out that I was going to leave this man, they would make me work on the marriage and make me stay in the marriage. And I was not going to be in an abusive relationship. Even back then. 50 years ago, I knew that no woman deserves to be in or has to stay in an abusive relationship for the sake of anyone, not even her children. And in fact, that's the worst disservice you can do to your children is to stay in an abusive relation. And one of the things I had to work through with my mother many, many years later was that I had a hard time forgiving her, for staying in a somewhat abusive relationship and not either working on stemming or stopping it or leaving it so that everyone was loved and safe. After I got my divorce, I went back to work on my education. I met another fellow. Of course, he was the exact opposite of my father and my first husband. He was quiet, he was dear. He was gentle. He was the oldest of a large family, so he was a very much father figure. His mother had died much like my mother when he was quite young, and so he had this gentleness about him that I fell in love with. He still ended up to be a very quietly abusive and unavailable person. It wasn't necessarily that he was a bad father or a bad man. He just didn't get being whole or connected or faithful. And ultimately, he was unfaithful. After 23 years of marriage, we had a very messy, awful divorce. I can say with total honesty that I contributed to that because I stayed in the marriage for all the wrong reasons ten years past its past due date because I thought that was the right thing to do for my children. It wasn't. After the divorce, my children said, oh, my God, what took you so long? And they were teenagers. And often you think that you're doing these things to save your children or to spare your children the pain or to get them through school or to get them to University or whatever the problem is that you think you're staying for. That's the wrong reason. The only reason to stay in a committed relationship with anyone is because it serves you both in the highest degree, with the ultimate amount of love that you can give. And if you cannot give that love and bring that forgiveness to what is broken in the marriage and fix it, then it's not fixable. You've got to leave it. If you leave it, then you've got to leave it with the confidence that if you don't have what you need and don't understand how to get it, then you've got to seek help to find it. And I tell you one thing I've learned is that help is always there. We just have to open our mind, forgive ourselves, forgive others, and get them all of that. Those two marriages and the relationship with my father led me to really lean into myself and find out who I was and what I was about and what I would and would not accept as reality in my life because we create our reality thought and with our ability to forgive others. I live from a place in my life now of radical forgiveness at all times because it is the only way that you can bring all of the joy and the love and the abundance of peace. Regardless of what's going on in your life, those things are accessible even when it doesn't feel like you can. When I got to that place where I was independent of the good opinion of anybody else, I met my husband and at the age of 54, I found out what real, true, sustaining, committed love is. 

JKO:       When you say the worst thing you can do to your children is staying in an abusive relationship with their father or with anyone. (Donna: Yes.) Can you try and just unpack that for a minute? 

Donna: Well, abuse that isn't dealt with and stopped has literally the energy of death in its lowest energy. Death has a high energy and a low energy. The low energy of death is when we are dying slowly with our own actions that get stuck in our field. So, if we are lying to ourselves or lying to someone else. When you stay in an abusive relationship that is not serving you or your children, you are lying to yourself. You are saying, I am not worthy of respect, I am not worthy of comfort, I am not worthy of love. And in that you create a field of energy around you that says this soul feels unworthy. And then all that the universe, God, source, Creator, the Angels can do for you is to send you more of what you declare, that you are. The strongest words that you say, the words that come out of your mouth, and the thoughts that you have that you express have the power to create your reality. Back in the day when The Matrix came out, everybody thought, wow, that is just one crazy, wild Sci-Fi movie. But there was more truth and fiction in that. Every single letter of every single word that we speak and that we choose to hear has a power, a degree of energy that allows us to empower or disempower ourselves with our words. I like to use the example of the word surrender. You can see the word surrender as a very negative word. You're giving up your power. Or you can see surrender as a way of letting go of what's holding you back, which then empowers you. So, I caution and counsel to own your words and understand the power of, one of my favorite sayings is if you can't be empowering with your words for yourself and others and keep your mouth shut because it's just going to cause you or someone else more trouble. And that's when I lean into Grace and my prayer is, Dear God, if I can't be Love, then let me be Grace. And if I can't be Grace, then let me be Quiet. And if I can't be Quiet, then get me the hell out of here. It's just not going to work. 

JKO:       I need that prayer. I'm going to write it, put it on a plaque, and be looking at it. It's awesome. Thank you so much. For a listener who may have not taken the step. They know they've been in this abusive situation, and they haven't taken the step and they feel bad or they took the step and they feel they should have taken it earlier, you said something really profound, the principle of radical forgiveness. That principle spans our relationships with ourselves and others. I just would love for you to take that apart and really give details, so somebody listening can understand what you mean when you say, radically forgive yourself, radically forgive others, practice the principle of radical forgiveness.

Donna: I really love what Martin Luther said. He said, that forgiveness doesn't mean putting a false label on an evil act. It means rather that the evil act no longer is a barrier to friendship with yourself or others. In one of my near-death experiences, I learned that on the other side, there is no need for forgiveness because there is no judgment. When you die and you go to heaven you are not going to be judged. You are going to be asked if you are able to forgive yourself and others who may have hurt you in your life. Judgment is a human construction. It is a social construction that has been written into our spiritual words as law. And what that is, is a signpost not a law. We have the ten Commandments. We have the Bible, we have the Quran. We have the Torah. We have all of these beautiful books that were written by man's interpretation of spiritual laws but the three times I died and went over what I found. The first time I went I was explained about love. All there is on the other side is love. There is no expression, no feeling, no anything that is not love. And the next time I went back I was told there is no judgment because where there is judgment there cannot be love and therefore it follows that there is only love. So forgiveness is a gift that we give ourselves that empowers us and others to see ourselves through the eyes of Creator, God, source whatever that is. It's a result of suspending judgment, remorse, guilt, shame, blame and fear to live in and from the center of our sacred. I teach a principle called the calm principle. And to enact and be living from calm allows you to discover and lean into the sacred center of your being which I call sacred soul selves. It's necessary to discover, to expand and to live from sacred soul selves. Because in all of the evolutions of human consciousness it affects all equally. We are in a quantum field generated from source God that is nothing but love. And anything we experience that is not love is not created by God or source where we came and from whom we will return to. It is generated by the misconceptions, the disabling actions, the disabling thoughts and the lack of love in our life. Now obviously we're going to run into people, places and situations in our life that we can't love. Those are the challenges that we face in our life that allow us to learn to love ourselves. Sometimes it's necessary to love yourself first so that you can get out of the freight train that is happening in your life or around you and come at it from a new direction. So why is it necessary? It's necessary for the evolution of all levels of human consciousness and thus all of us. And it affects us all individually and in the field emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. True spiritual freedom and growth can only come by embracing forgiveness as an action plan. I have to forgive myself 100 times a day. It's necessary. I'll have a thought and oh that I forgive that thought. I call back the energy and that's as easy as it is you have a negative thought or you say something negative. My family is used to just snapping their finger now and saying, I call that back on, call back that energy, dispose of it, and then replace it with something that is positive. If we follow a path of forgiveness, one of the questions people ask me is where does it lead us? So many people don't see the pathway to love is forgiveness. Lack of forgiveness is ego, brain based, even if it feels like our heart is breaking. In actual fact, the feeling of a broken heart for any reason is the first indication that radical forgiveness is required. If you're in an abusive situation and your man is beating on you, you're not in any mood to forgive this man, right? You need to forgive yourself for putting yourself in that position in the first place. Once you can forgive yourself for being there and allowing that and not allowing guilt, shame, blame or fear to rule your life, then you can step back, create space, and find action steps to move yourself out of whatever that negative space is. Now how do we start? That's another question. We embrace it. We embrace whatever the situation is. We embrace the lesson that it's there to teach us. And then we take action in the most positive manner we can. First for ourselves, because if we do it for ourselves, it follows that it will be in the highest good of all concerned. So, the first thing you're going to do is remove yourself from the situation so that you can have the space to evaluate and see clearly when we're hurt. Whether we acknowledge it or not, the only way forward is forgiveness. If we lock into judgment, validation of our pain, or punishing the person, place or situation, we are energetically cording to the very pain, tying ourselves to the pain we say we don't want to feel it's negative energy loop and we can only cut or dissolve it with lover. And that starts with us. 

JKO:       So good. Something you mentioned. You talk about the disabling thoughts that keep us bound. So my understanding of disabling thoughts is the thinking that holds you captive. It makes you unable to progress in any form. I was talking with someone and I told her the thing about this abuse, domestic violence, is that most of the stories that I know, they are not violently abusive. They don't beat them all the time and lock them in a room. It's in their mind. It's emotional abuse. And actually there's a research that shows that emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse. However, it is the one that has the least attention paid to it because there's no physical proof. 

Donna: Well, there actually is physical proof. Everything that we do, everything that we say, every action that we take has a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual impact that shows on our body. So our shoulders will be slumped, we will lean in or away. We will use body language that covers our body. And we will not express what we're feeling. And when we don't express what we're feeling from a place of calm and coherence, that energy gets stuck in our body. It creates dis ease, which creates disease, energetically expresses itself with migraines or fibromyalgia or back ache or stomachache or poor digestion, you name it. It's going to show up physically, one way or another, in our manner, in our mind. And it's not necessary to condone the action that has brought us the mental, physical, emotional and spiritual pain. We can choose to take action from a place of peace and calm. So the first thing to learn is what is calm for me? How can I access calm when we are in a place of mental, physical, spiritual or emotional abuse, we are in chaos or incoherence. That's coming from the mind ego map, which is very physical and very mental. When we're in calm and coherence, we're coming from the heart based soul map that's calm and coherent. So I say, first thing I ask myself when I'm in a situation where I'm in judgment is, okay, I'm in my mind here, I'm feeling chaos and incoherent in my field, what am I evaluating? All evaluation is judgment. All judgment can only lead to problems for yourself, for the situation, for others. If you're judging a person, place or thing, you're only creating more chaos. And chaos is ego based. And when something is ego based, you compromise your ability to clear it through your heart. And the cycle repeats. And it always creates a life cycle, another cycle that are based in guilt, blame, shame or fear. 

JKO:       All evaluation is judgment. And all judgment eventually leads to chaos. So when we are in the spaces, the situations you could ask someone should not judge, no, I'm not judging. I'm only evaluating the situation. We give the excuse that we're just trying to evaluate. But actually we are judging, we're taking side. We're moving this to that side. We're agreeing with that. We're disagreeing with this, and that is it. When I said that emotional is not physical, if I went to the police, the police won't do anything about my emotional abuse. People want to see you bleeding with a swollen head or something to actually give attention to this. But this is the challenge that many people in this situations face. So you are in a cage, a mental cage who are not in a physical cage. They didn't lock the door on you. You're able to go out and come in, but yet you're staying in this thing that is not good for you. I just want to take you back again to when you left your 23 year relationship, how did you get to the point? Because you waited for that long. And like you said, it was ten years over the time you should have spent. But something kept you there. One thing that I learned when you said about the first one, you didn't discuss with anybody. You just said, you know what? I ain't going to stay here. You were young. I think you had more self confidence at that age. So you knew what you didn't want and you took action. But in the second case, you didn't take action like you did the first time. So can you maybe tell us what happened to make you take action when you eventually did because you said something about if you don't know what to do, seek for help. You said that earlier on. So what were the things that led you to seek for help, and what help did you get that helped to propel you to action? 

Donna: My husband had been unfaithful more than once, and I had forgiven him more than once. And we were living overseas in a foreign country as visible my own already and in a predominantly Muslim country. And I was very financially secure. I had one teenager and one preteen child at the time. My life wasn't broken. My marriage was. I loved my life. I loved where I was living. I loved my community. I was very engaged in teaching and in theater and I was doing a lot of creative stuff. My life was rich and juicy, and I loved my husband. I just wasn't in love with him anymore. And we had the kind of life that many people would envy. And it felt somehow like a betrayal of my own to not try to work on it. And we did work on it. It just never worked. And eventually he would stray again or stray in that direction. And I always just looked the other way. And I didn't realize in the moment, although I felt it and I knew it, I refused to acknowledge to myself that what was happening was eating away at me and turning me into a person that I didn't want to be. And to be totally bluntly, honest, in the end, I was unfaithful to him as well. And that didn't hurt him a bit. It nearly killed me. And in fact, I told him at one point he didn't believe me until years later. And then he got really angry. And I thought that was kind of hysterically funny at the time because, well, I told you the truth and you didn't believe me and you just went on your own way. So there you go, Male ego. Then later on, he betrayed me again, but this time with my very best friend. And I found then that, you know what? I wasn't angry at him and I wasn't surprised at him. And he no longer had the power to hurt me. I was way past him ever being able to hurt me again. There was a part of me that still loved him very much, the good things that were good in him, because I always tried to look for the good. There was a part of me… it wasn't him that hurt me. It was my best friend. I could see him doing what he did. I could never have imagined her doing what she did. And it just spiraled through our family in so many negative ways. And in reality, we were all culpable. This is what radical forgiveness is. It's looking at the situation and seeing that you were a part of the problem. There were things within you that you brought forward that allowed this to happen, not to you, but with you. And it was really hard. I was, to be frank, suicidal. I went into a massive black, deep depression. I got out of the marriage. I carried on with my business. I kept my children together and got them through it. And ultimately, in the end, it turned out to be one of the biggest blessings of my life, because in that moment, in those years, the five years that followed that, between 45 and 50, I really learned the power of forgiveness, the power of love, the power of unity. I was able to come full circle. My dear friend who ended up marrying my ex-husband died three years later of breast cancer that went to her brain. And I was able to reconnect with her, help him, be there for her children and my children through it. And we were able to forgive each other and to find peace. I am remarried and very happy. My ex-husband is remarried and living in Thailand and very happy. We have two beautiful adult children that have given us glorious grandchildren and he is the best dad he knows how to be. Unfortunately, he's far away, so we can't mess around too much with what's going on. He comes, he visits his children, he supports them beautifully in every way that he can, except being physically present in their life. It's not very much that. And then when I married Frank, this man is the epitome of family. He's the epitome of what it's like. My children have a father, but they have also a father-friend with him. And when they need advice or guidance, the first person they turn to is Frank because they see the integrity, the love, and the lack of judgment. And also this stoic, all encompassing life goes on and we go on with it and we choose how to respond. You asked me earlier about the mental construction, the mental construction of abuse, the emotional construction of abuse is a jail, is a prison. We are slamming the bars around ourselves and saying, I'm not worthy of getting out of this jail. It's a mental and an emotional construction. We have to break those chains. If your children, if somebody slammed a jail around your child for no reason, you'd get a crowbar, you'd get a hacksaw, you break that sucker down. Yes. Why would you not do that for yourself? Right. 

JKO:       This issue of the jail is a big, big challenge. And this jail is not just the jail of the one being jailed for you to put someone in jail, you're in jail, too. Yes, the abuser is in jail, too, because life can be so good. Life is wonderful. Love makes the world richer, sweeter, relationships more intimate, and there's lots of prosperity in love. I don't know why people will marry someone and be emotionally distant, because when you describe the second husband that you had, I know someone like that that's been emotionally disconnected from the person you covenanted to love and share life with, it makes no sense to me. I keep wondering, when we pass on to the other side, what would we have done with that time here? Why are you keeping back this part of yourself? What are you giving it to if you can't give it to your wife, to your person? So, I just want to know you loved the life you had, but you could no longer continue to bear the pain that you thought you didn't feel. There were steps you took towards healing that makes you now able to help other women heal. What were those things that helped you find yourself? Because you said you now came to terms with who you were and accepted yourself, and now you're living in the fullness of all that you are. So how did you move from this place of where you push down the pain and you weren't feeling it? You tried not to feel it, to this place of totally, completely living a life that is enviable? 

Donna: Well, I'd like to say that it was a snap and I did it overnight, but I didn't. The good thing was that I've always been a learner, and I've always gravitated towards spiritual teachings that aligned with the way I felt and expressed experienced energy. Even when I was in the closet as a medium and a psychic and an empath, I felt all these things, and I saw all these things. I started to seek out the people that were considered to be master and to literally sit and learn at their feet. And I mean, my teachers were Wayne Dyer, Sonia Choquette, Sylvia Brown, Dan Millman, you name it. I have taken over 78 spiritual courses of education and enlightenment and to come full circle and to find that everything that was within them, that was masterful and mastery was within me. And the reason that I was attracted to them is they shone a light that was like mine. So I would say to anyone that wants to change their life, seek the light that you are, the light that you see in someone that you would consider to be a teacher or a mentor or a Sage or an enlightened being. You're attracted to that specific sphere of energy because that is the energy that is in you. So learn about it. Seek it out. Educate yourself. Everything is online nowadays. Whatever spiritual, mental or emotional, physical teaching you want it's on YouTube. Go find it. I'm on YouTube. You're on YouTube. We can do this. Remember that we're infinite soul. We're born of love to express love. And we return to infinite judgment is just that. Chaos. The more you judge, the more incoherence you create. Forgiveness always results in calm and coherence. And it's hard to do everything from your heart. Do you need to think about it? Of course you need to think about it. But when you make a choice about an action, put it in your heart and take time to sit with it. Whenever I feel that I'm going to make a snap decision, I snap my mouth shut and I open my heart up and I feel it. What does it feel like to me? Sometimes it feels like I need to remove myself from the situation so I can feel into it more. Sometimes it feels I need to confront it head on and deal with what I'm avoiding or what I'm feeling. The pain is about. First thing I told you, remember when you love that's number one? Like there are nine keys for radical forgiveness and living a life in calm and coherent. Forgiveness is always heart based. When you label something good, bad or indifferent or anything else, you negate it. It just is. Now you created or agreed to be a part of this experience. To learn from it, ask yourself, what am I learning in this moment? What is the teaching that I need to hear and feel and be living from here? You can forgive someone or a thing or a situation without forgetting the lesson that you learned from it. Being stuck in a memory is not a good place to be. It's an inside job. It starts in your heart, and it's a choice. Number, the most important thing. Forget the drama. We're drama Queens and Kings and all discord and discordant communication comes from drama. So if there's drama going on, get rid of it. Just go back to calm and say, I'm sorry. I'm not doing this right now and exit the situation until you can be nondramatic, right? All judgment comes with drama from drama, right? Get still, get centered, get grounded, get focused, feel calm, and then act from there. When you forgive, it's like, I guess crack cocaine for an addict. Forgiveness releases endorphins in your body that allow us to free the ego. It's adrenaline for the heart. And when we do that, we automatically are given the emotions, whether we acknowledge and recognize them or not. Of hope, joy, love, Grace and freedom, the greatest of which is grace. And the reason I say that is people say, I can't love that person plays a decision and you can't in the moment when you're in pain and you're not leaning into forgiveness. You can't feel, though, that's when Grace comes, hope that you can do better. Hope is the railway train that Grace rides in on. And Grace stops at the station of love. And if you can't feel love, Grace just goes, okay, chugga, chugga, chugga. And on we go down the track until you can feel it again. But you can be in a state of Grace from a place of Grace without feeling the love for someone or something that is hurting them. And it's hard to let the judgment go because judgment grounds you. We are born to fly. We're born to fly. Our energy is all over the world at the same time. We're in this place, and everything that ever was and everything that ever will be is all a part of who we are right now. And as such, we are magnificent beings of light. And we came to this planet to be light and to be loved and to experience it through the experience of being human. And being human means that things are going to happen. Yeah. It's the human experience as souls. We came here to grow our souls through the experience of humanity. 

JKO:       What can you do to stop judgment and to stop it? Because I feel that as human beings, it's just who we are. We judge, but we have to learn not to judge if we want to get the fullness of the love that is in the life that we live. Because judgment stops love, it just makes it impossible to really love because it gives you reasons not to love. 

Donna: So if you find yourself in a place of judgment where you're evaluating a person, place or thing, then the only thing to do is find value in the situation. If you can find value the minute you say, okay, what is the value in this situation? Not evaluation, but value. The minute you find the value, then you move into a place of non judgment. The minute you move into a place of nonjudgment, you can take action to find a sole full solution in the problem. It's always heart based, and it always brings in the energy of cooperation. The minute you find value, cooperation comes in because you created the energy, cooperation comes in, but you have to find the energy of value before you can create cooperation, which will lead you to take an action that will help you to solve the problem that you're experiencing. And it's always heart based. And when you do that, when you do that, the cycle repeats. And once you find enough cycles around your life of creating cooperation, then you're in a place of Grace where you can experience more love. And that lights up your light. And when that light shines up, you attract more of that light to you, right? 

JKO:       Yeah. You attract more of that light to you. If you're listening, and we're talking about all those things. Something that Donna said is, if you can't do it by yourself, get help. What Donna does is to support women and some smart men with this journey of finding a purpose, living the life that we've been given so joyfully. And that's why she uses the word soul full. It's not just about head knowledge. If you've been listening to this podcast, you would have heard us talk about listening to your heart, let it come from your heart. I have also said this in previous episodes about how you have to listen to your heart. As a parent. People can advise you, tell you how to parent your child. But when you take a decision that is from your heart, it gives you peace and it gives you ownership of your decision so you don't feel lost. And whatever comes out of that decision, you are willing to take it on because you did it from your heart. Listening to Donna today emphasizes the importance of listening to your heart. That's why she's called an intuitive life and soul transition coach. That transition is transitioning you from where you are this place of chaos to another place of calmness where you are able to live life and live the best life you've ever lived. I'm so glad that we had Donna today. In the show notes. We're going to have Donna's contact if you would want that transition. If you yearn for that transition, this is your opportunity to reach out to Donna, let her know you heard her on this podcast and you want to transition from chaos to calmness. I'll put as many links as I can to where you can access Donna's materials and I would love you to take advantage of it. Today has been really amazing. Time we've spent with you has been so good and just the knowledge that when you find yourself and you lean into the wholeness of who you are and all that you are, you will attract the good in life. You will attract love. Don't have found her soulmate. Can you imagine? At 54, it's never too late, ladies. So you too can. But we have to work on those things that hold us down. So Donna, just give us something for the road. One word or two or three that we can take away and hold onto and apply in our lives. 

Donna: I was going to share my universal affirmation with you, but I think I'm going to share the solar plexus affirmation, which is about our tribe, our family, our workplace. And it is the place where our heart and our spirit connect with our body and the Earth. So I would really like to share this affirmation with you. I just like the listeners to close their eyes, put their hands on their heart and just really take in these words because I'm sending you healing, reiki energy and love and unity in the field. With these words, I am in charge of my life. I decide what is important and meaningful. I set clear boundaries and honor those of others. I surrender my will to divine will only. So it is and so it is. 

JKO:       Thank you for that, Donna. So calming centering and it just makes you very sensitive to who you are. I love it. I lost myself for many years and I've only recently just began to dig in and acknowledge the goodness that is in me. Actually, acknowledge the goodness that is me. 

Donna: Judith, you are a gift to the universe and you shine brightly and you share beautifully and you are exactly where you are supposed to be doing exactly what you're doing. Call me psychic. There's many gifts coming to you and from you.

JKO:       Thank you so much. I love it. Many gifts coming from me. Coming to me too. Awesome. I'm so grateful. You ladies, can you hear this? This is what you need to hear. I mean Messy couldn't stop Donna. Messy can't stop me. Messy can't stop us. So if you're listening to the Messy Can't Stop Her podcast this is right where you need to be and if you have a story to share you can DM me and let me know because you know what? The world needs to hear about you. Your experience counts for something. Your pain is a pathway to the fulfillment of your purpose. Don't hold it to yourself. Come on out here and share it with us. We need you. Thank you so much for being on this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her with Judith JKO and Donna Fairhurst. Have a good day. Bye bye.