Sexually molested at the age of five, Shwanda Ifeoma Onwuachi battled the effects of that trauma till adulthood by hating men and doing everything to make sure she never had to rely on them. Then, she had an encounter that changed her life.
In this episode, Shwanda shares how despite the failings of men and women in her life, she learnt to love in words and deeds by self-love, talk therapy and minding the business that minds her.
Shwanda’s story will make you cry, make you laugh and make you know that no matter the darkness of the darkness, light always wins.
You can follow Shwanda on Facebook @rshawanda and Instagram @shwandaonwuachi.
Thank you so much for listening!
References in this episode
Total Praise by Richard Smallwood Lyrics
New Light Christian Center Church
Please DM me on Instagram or Facebook @judithobatusa to let me know what you thought of this episode.
If you'll love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here.
Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter
Join the Messy Can't Stop Her Sisterhood at https://www.facebook.com/groups/3204395256540448/
If you would love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here to let me know.
Thank you so much for listening.
Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter
Sexually molested at the age of five, Shwanda Ifeoma Onwuachi battled the effects of that trauma till adulthood by hating men and doing everything to make sure she never had to rely on them. Then, she had an encounter that changed her life.
In this episode, Shwanda shares how despite the failings of men and women in her life, she learnt to love in words and deeds by self-love, talk therapy and minding the business that minds her.
Shwanda’s story will make you cry, make you laugh and make you know that no matter the darkness of the darkness, light always wins.
You can follow Shwanda on Facebook @rshawanda and Instagram @shwandaonwuachi.
Thank you so much for listening!
References in this episode
Total Praise by Richard Smallwood Lyrics
New Light Christian Center Church
Please DM me on Instagram or Facebook @judithobatusa to let me know what you thought of this episode.
If you'll love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here.
Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter
Join the Messy Can't Stop Her Sisterhood at https://www.facebook.com/groups/3204395256540448/
If you would love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here to let me know.
Thank you so much for listening.
Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter
This is Messy Can't Stop Her. And I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa -JKO.
JKO: Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women who despise the challenges of life still held onto their dreams, and they have a story to share about that process. Here, we encourage one another, we empower one another with our stories. On today's episode, we have a wonderful woman who is unashamedly open about her faith, her journey, and her life. Welcome, Shwanda.
Shwanda: Well, thank you, Judith.
JKO: When I asked Shwanda to give me her bio, even though I've seen her bio in other spaces because she's an author and also a speaker, she went to give me a four sentence bio that just said, I'm a Christian, Doctor of Education, School Administrator, and I have a passion for children of color. One thing she did not say in her bio is her passion for self love, for advocating that women love themselves where they are. And I know that that came from history. So today, Shwanda, please, we want you to go back to the messy past from where that root began to grow and now you are advocating. So, tell us about the Mess.
Shwanda: I'd love to talk about how to come out of the trenches and then triumph. So I'm very candid. I hope that your audience can handle it. I don't have things that I hide. Now. I may not tell people at one point, but this is the season that I should. So I was a girl that was sexually abused. It started at the age of four by a family member and I'm going to go there because I'm going to show you how it shaped me to be the woman that I am today. So at the age of four, I was sexually abused. Literally, he tried to penetrate me and in doing so, he tore my private part. And so he was a teenager, he was a cousin. And I remember still as I was growing up, remembering what I focused on. Because when you have trauma in your life, your subconscious mind takes a snapshot of that trauma. My Auntie was wealthy, and in their bathroom in the back, she had a toilet paper dispenser with a radio on it. It was built in. Yes. And so I remember focusing on that to escape what I was experiencing. I remember my mom telling me when I became older, what happened. She didn't have to tell me what happened because I remember that trauma. So I believe from that point on in my life, spirits were attached to me because he deposited something on me in that moment. So from five on, I dealt with sexual abuse, molestation. It led me in my teenage years to have a disdain for men, utter hatred for men. And so in every way, I would not only avoid them, but I did everything to try to annihilate their character because of what happened to me as a child. So I, at that moment, totally did away with any thought of men. Any thought. At one time, I thought that I had to be lesbian. I did. And even though I had no opportunities to act upon it for years, I believed that I was a lesbian woman because there was nothing about a man that fascinated me. I look at people that are driven, and some are driven by just the notion that they are created to be more. But I was driven by the fact that I wasn't going to let those bastards determine how my life was going to turn out. So what I did was that I got focused on school, focused on career, focused on just becoming a better me. But because of what they did to me, I wasn't going to allow it to overcome me. But the demons still exist, right? The demons are still there. And so I would have those quiet moments. That's when I would remember the things that had transpired in my life. One song I remember would come on and I would remember that song. I listen to it today, and am free but that's a song by Bob Marley, “No Woman, No Cry”. And I remember that song used to play often when I was a girl. My mom would play it. My mom is Jamaican, so she would play that song often. And there is a bridge in that song that it says, Everything's going to be all right. And so, I would focus on that part. So when I would have those hard moments, I could hear Bob Marley say, everything all right, and I would hear it. And that was my way to just get some roots back myself so that I wouldn't literally lose my mind. By the time I was in College, I remember it was my sophomore year, I remember just feeling like I was just losing it. See, people don't understand what sexual molestation and abuse does to a woman. I call it a murder. I was murdered, and I had to be resurrected. And so in that moment, my father, he started noticing how broken I was. He noticed that his daughter was broken. And even when he tried to do everything in his life to protect me that he could not protect me from, because it seemed like something about me, something that was deposited up on me, something that had infiltrate my innocence, had started attracting these beasts. Start attracting these demons. Start attracting these perverts. And no matter how much I didn't wear makeup, I became a Muslim because I felt that if I did that thing, I would be covered enough so that men would not come to me. Those bastards came after me. And listen, I understand your viewers may Listen, they may say all men are not bastards. Look, if I'm not talking to you, it's not you. But if you know that you are in that thing. Change. Change, Be renewed in the spirit of your mind. It's not a blanket statement but for those if it fits, it fits. Change. I'm not going to try to tiptoe on anyone's feelings. Change, change, change. (JKO: I love it.)
And in that I began to start to try to cultivate relationships with women. And guess what happened? I found that they were just as broken and the broken and the broken cannot mend each other. So I found women that was so broken that put on the facade, that put on the makeup, that put on the outer appearance, but broken. And they broke me even more.
So, as I was going through life in my youth, I walked through life as a broken woman. And when I'm broken and when we're broken and when we're stabbed, we bleed on everyone else. (JKO: That's right.) And that's what I did in my life. I bled on everyone else. And I didn't trust anyone. Because time after time after time after time, people continued to show me who they were. But I made up another narrative. I said, well, you know, it wasn't this person. I had already thought about what I thought about then. So, it wasn't this person. So, I went through, life, completely hurt. And I'm going to tell you how I come out of that. I come out of that. It wasn't because I married this man that was affluent. That didn't change anything. I had to come to Christ. I'm telling you, I had to come to Christ. Totally broken. Totally saying, Here I am, totally naked. I had to be candid. I couldn't pray the little prayers that sound good. And it was so eloquently speaking. I had to come out and say, Lord, here I am, am jacked the hell up. My mind is crushed. My heart is bruised. I am suffering God. And the moment that I came to that understanding that Christ was willing to accept me because he died for me. And this was only a relationship that I could have with him. It can't be a relationship that fostered through what my mom knew, what my Daddy knew, what my Auntie knew, uncle, what my grandma knew. It was not those relationship. It was a relationship that I had to foster with me on my time and how I was able to understand it. So, when I talk to people about how I was renewed, maybe you use something else. But I only know Yeshua. That's how I came out. That's how the self love because you know, the word says, Love your neighbor as you love yourself. And I learned until I learned to love myself. Not the facade, not what you see. Not the body or the faith or the beauty. It had nothing to do with that. But it had to do with loving the greater one that is on the inside of me knowing that he was always there. But I didn't realize because I allowed the cares of the world, the things in this world to overtake who God was always in me. So when I talk about self love, I can't tell anyone to have self love without Christ, I don't know no other way. I have no other way. I know maybe we use these books and we use the motivational speakers. My motivation is Christ. I would have definitely still been a wretch and done without him. And people would have looked at the outer appearance and they would have thought the outer appearance and they would have looked at that and thought, oh, everything is okay, but the devil is a liar. I had to come to Christ. I have to be fully persuaded that he was all I got. To tell you, even today I have my challenges. I have my trials. I have my vicissitudes. I walk through life. I have things that hurt me and people that hurt me. Let me tell you something about people, sisters. They can hurt you and they will think nothing about it. They will slander you. Sistren, they will plunder you and go about their pleasantry. But one thing that I have learned is that when you do something to me, it is more about you. It says something about you. That's right. It says nothing about me. This is what I want women to know. Because, hey, as almost 50 years old, I still will hear things that are said about me. And I would say, if you want to, don't come after me, you don't go out and listen. But what I've noticed is that it says something about people. It says more about them than it does us. And I want women to really understand that when people are trying to flatter you, when they go behind your back, when they make a fabulous fantasies about you, when they begin to do things to cause you to be lower because they feel the way about themselves, it has something to do with them. It has nothing to do with you. I want every woman to continue to keep and build your head up. And I'm going to tell you, for me, it is Yeshua Hamashiach. It is always Jesus the Christ. I am unapologetically, a child of the living God. I do not apologize for the love that I have. Because when man and when I say man, I mean man and woman. When man did not love me, Christ showered me with love. Let me tell you something. If you want to feel that long, take off all of the outer garments. Take off everything. And when I say, I'm not talking about this, I'm talking about what we show the world, the faces that we show the world. The way that we put on the smile, the way that we show them our degrees. We show them our houses or we show them our cars or we show them, look how perfect my children are. Take that nonsense off and say, Here I am, Lord. That's how I became a woman who loved herself. And that's why you can be as rude and ugly as you want to. And I will respond in peace. (JKO: Peace in.) And yes, that's my tagline. Peace in. I will always respond with peace. And I may tell you the truth about something, but if you don't want to receive it, I can't make you receive it. I can only think that truth.
JKO: I'm loving this Shwanda. This is so good. I just want to take us back to something that Shwanda said about when the incident happened. The spirits that came with the incident. Scientists talk about the trauma. They talk about the fact that you are traumatized at a particular age. Then your mind causes you stay at that stage of life until something is broken. But Christians will tell you also, and not only Christians, those who know about the spirits. The Word of God tells us that everything we see came from what we do not see. When there is interaction, especially the sexual interaction, which is why the Bible tells us to keep sex within marriage because when you sleep with a person, you share spirits. It's not just sex. So, when a child is molested, when a person is more affected, then it attracts spirits. And there's something Shwanda said. She said after that happened, more of such began to happen to her. She began to be attractive to people, no matter how she covered herself. This pervert wanted her, even if she was no makeup, hair scattered. So, it's not how you look. It's a spirit that has been attached to the person. And this issue of sexual molestation, what it does to people, young girls. You see a young girl who has been molested at a home, and then she begins to get attractive to Pimps, who now invite her into prostitution. A young girl that has never given herself willingly to a man loses her virginity in prostitution. So we want to ask, a child that her parents are good people actually Shwanda had a father that was educated, a mother that was educated. There were people who were living a good life and they were Christians. Yet, she had this experience. So, it's not how good we are as parents that protect our children. There is more to what we do. Yesterday night I was having a conversation with somebody and we're talking about how important it is that we parents are more sensitive to the spiritual things happening. We think that if we give our children the best education, we put them in the best schools, private school, and all these other things, take them on great holidays. Daddy spends time with daughter, Mummy spends time with children, then they turn out well. But then we see children who still have struggles because of these interactions. Unfortunately for some parents, they don't even know something has happened to their child. I just want to go back where you said you were going through life with all these messes you were carrying the mess with you. But then you had an encounter, an encounter that changed your life. And you could see that, you know what? I can be loved. This hurt I feel, somebody already paid the price for this hurt. I want you to share with us what happened. Tell us the story around that encounter that changed your life.
Shwanda: My mom kept inviting me to her Church, and I was trying to be as disruptive as I could because I wanted her to stop it. Just leave me alone. Don't invite me. This particular one song came on. I remember it. The pastor, Apostle I.V. Hilliard, because it's not a made up story, I.V. Hilliard, New Light Christian Church, Houston, Texas. They know me from there. I was standing there and he was standing before he preached. And then the choir came up and there was a song by the name of Total Praise by Richard Smallwood. And I was angry. I was angry. And the song said, “Lord, I will lift my eyes to the hills from which cometh my help. Knowing my help comes from you.” Then the second stanza is “Your peace you give me during the time of the storms. You are the source of my strength. You are the strength of my life. I lift my hands in total praise… I lift my hands in total praise to you.” I heard the word and this very young woman. I stood up and I just screamed, “I surrender!” My life changed spiritually and emotionally, from that point on. I was never the same. I don't know if anyone has had this experience, this supernatural deliverance. The deliverance is more than coming, and people put it and they cause it to be all, I don't know. They do what they do, but they put hands on you and deliver. No, that's not what happened. I surrendered my heart to the Lord that moment, and I could feel my chains breaking and breaking and breaking. And I walked out of Church. Now you do what you have to do, if you believe in counseling, praise God, go get it. But my deliverance was supernatural. (JKO: Hey, wonderful.) Changed my mind. When I walked out of Church, I saw the world different. I walked in the Church feeling one way and seeing the world around me different. I walked out and even when I went to restaurants, I had love. I felt the supernatural love for people. I'm telling you now. I was very wounded, so I dealt with everyone in that wounded way. But the moment that deliverance, supernatural fire deliverance took over in my mind and in my heart. I start seeing people that I encountered differently. This is why today, Judith, my sistren, I am not a woman that operates in retaliatory practices because I truly know what the love of Yeshua is. Even though a person may hurt me or do things to hurt me, I can't reply and respond in likewise fashion. It's not easy to do it.
JKO: Wow Shwanda, you had a supernatural encounter. I was even thinking you're going to say somebody preached to you. I mean, nobody preached to you, it was a song. This is so cool. You had something really supernatural. (Shwanda: Yes.) And it's wonderful. So from that moment, you were a new person in terms of even your thinking, you're seeing. So those things that cut you deep, those hurts, no longer had that power because you were seeing things differently. And that is why they talk about changing our perspective. And this is why we have podcasts like this. We are in these spaces where we think what we're going through, no one has ever gone through this. My case is the worst, there's no hope for me, look at what's going on around me. And we are sharing the stories for you to know that you know what? Your case is not the worst. It's not a done deal for your life yet there is hope for you. If God can reach Shwanda in a song on a day that she had determined that after this day, my mother will never have the boldness to invite me to Church again because I'm going to embarrass her. While she was working on that her agenda. This is so cool and it gives me hope and it gives me hope. And if you're a parent out there who is struggling with their child, I need you to know that if this can happen for Shwanda, it can happen for your child. Shwanda's mum didn't give up on her daughter. She kept inviting her. As a mother who has grown up children who want to live their lives outside of what I would have loved, I know how we ask our kids to come with us to places. It's not just because her mother wants her to be saved. Her mother wants to spend time with her. She wants that interaction with her daughter because this daughter is a hurting child. And hurting children don't actually want to spend time with their parents. So loving parents and parents who have this wisdom that Shwanda’s mom has or had. They keep asking their kids, come with me, can we go here together? Can you follow me to the grocery? This is because they care. And if you're a parent who has a child that may be difficult, this is it. Don't give up. Keep asking, keep calling, keep showing them that you desire time with them. And one day there will be a turn around. So Shwanda, this experience of yours has made you this woman who believes so much in self care, I’ll like us to just unpack that self love practice. You talked a lot about what people say. And you even try to give us some tips about how to handle what people say. I want you to maybe delve a little bit more because there's something about us women we really like to say. We like to talk, gossiping. I don't know if it's something in our bloodline. Like I told a friend of mine, I don't want to be friends with this person because she helps me to bring up my best gossiping side, my best gossiping side. And in fact, sometimes my kids, I love my children. I don't know where they got it from. It's not from me. Maybe it's from their dad or from Jesus. When I start to talk about maybe one of my kids to another kid, the kid I'm talking to will tell me that I'm gossiping about their sibling. I should stop gossiping, so they call me to order. And then when I think about it, I realize that they are telling the truth. So, you can actually gossip about your children to your other children. You can gossip about your parents to your siblings. Gossiping is something that we do. And because some of us are doing it so often, so well, we carry it outside and we do it to other people. So, tell me about this issue of what people say, how you avoid being in that group and how well it's done to you, what you do. And if there's a woman out there, what she can do when they hurt her so deeply with the lies.
Shwanda: Well, one thing that I have learned to do is I always listen very closely in what is being said and how I avoid it is that I would say we all have our vices. I'll say something very sharp to let them know that I'm not the one who participate. My key one for the sisters that are listening, I would say, “Have you told them that before you told me, do you know that you're having this conversation with me? Because if they don't know that you're having this conversation with me, it's inappropriate. And I really don't want to hear it because I have to guard my spirit, guard my heart.” So I'm very candid, Judith, I'm very candid. Some people may take it as rude, but no, your yes must be yes and your no must be no. So I'm not interested in hearing anything about anybody. I said, Tell me about you. I'm sure you have your own stuff. I have my own stuff. I don't have time to talk about somebody else because, listen, I have my own stuff. So I'll say things like that. I'm very candid. And you may lose some people in your life, but that is perfectly fine. It seems that they weren't meant to be in it. They were meant only for such a time as that, for you to give that correction, that loving correction that was necessary so they could change the trajectory of their life. Because gossip is murder. It murders the character, slander is murder. I also believe, Judith, in not discussing things that is none of my business. I do have a saying that I love, I adopted from someone, “Mind the business that minds you.” I don't need to tell you about anybody because I have my own stuff. Ladies, we have to be very careful about this, no. We should not be so quick to start telling people about what someone else said or what someone else did. If someone said it to you, no, they trusted you enough. Don't break the trust. Don't break the bond. If I tell you something, it's because I trusted you enough to share it. But because of our gossiping nature, because women do like to chatter. You're correct. Because we like to talk a lot. We say, oh, we say it's innocent, but also check the motive and the heart behind it. But we say, oh, you know, so and so told me this, or so and so told me this. But is that business that's minding you? Why tell someone what someone else told you? That's none of their business. We have to be careful also with our partners because sometimes we'll start telling them things too, and it'll alter how they see someone, right? We'll say, oh, it's just innocent talk. Not necessarily. If you're involving someone else that shares something with you, it's not your business. Adopt it “Mind the business that minds you”. If the person didn't tell you to share that, you have no business doing that. That's just how I look at it. Many people that knows me, they call me a vault. You know how in a vault, you put something in and you lock it away and only a combination can open it. So, people share things with me that I don't say. I can know so much about your life, but if I see you and someone has shared something about you, I would say nothing because I already told them. Did you tell them? Do they know that you're sharing this story with me? Then you shouldn't be telling me this. That's me. Because the Lord has it and it wasn't always that way. So let me just let women know. It wasn't always that way. The Holy Spirit had to change the character in me. And that character brought the woman that you see for today that do not believe talking about people behind the back discussing things that you told me. I will never go to a husband or partner and tell them, you know, your wife told me this because Judith, we have like, as women, we have like a Lane that we stay in together so that we can feel safe. Right? So I am sharing something with my sistren about something. It doesn't have to be intimate or anything. I don't expect you to go back to my husband, go back to my partner and start saying, oh, she told me this. What type of spirit does that? We have to examine that spirit.
JKO: That’s a home wrecker right there.
Shwanda: A home wrecker, a troublemaker.
JKO: That is not. How can you go and tell the husband? There's a code, there's a sister code. You don't break the code. That's a breaking of code. And that means there's more to that. There's something we don't know yet. Maybe there's something else the person has in mind. But, do you know, Shwanda, my life has changed. No more gossiping for me. So I love the way you ask the question, “Have you told the person this thing? Does this person know?” That makes it so easy for us to understand. And then this for me, you know, what I hear here is self love. You said, I don't want to mind the business that does not mind me. I have too much already going on in my life. I can't be carrying the burdens that are not mine. I don't want to change my spirits. That is self love right there. Yeah, self love. You said you got changed. This was not always how you were. So when that experience happened in the Church on that day with total praise, what happened again? What are the things that began to happen in your life? Because the truth is that the mess of your life did not disappear because total praise happened that moment, then you became an angel, St. Shwanda, everything began to work for you. So please, because this is Messy Can't Stop Her, in the mess of life, I had an encounter that breaks the chains of my feeling unloved, my feeling unloving to others. That was what happened when you had that encounter. But you continued on a path to where we are sitting now, having this conversation with you. So from the Total Praise to that path, what did you do? What are the things we can apply? What happened to you? What did you do?
Shwanda: What I did is that one. It didn't happen overnight. It wasn't aah… and everything is perfect. But I started to look more into me when I did things, I began to examine, see if I got angry, say if I got frustrated and I still get frustrated today, ladies don't think that I don't. But oftentimes I look into me and I ask myself the question, what is the compelling why? Why did you feel that way? Why did you respond that way? What is it in me? What did I experience that triggered that? So, I always ask myself, why? Because when I ask myself why, then I can deal with the what. So I always ask myself why? Why when this person said this, it triggered something in you. Why? When you found out about this lie or this slander, it triggered something in you? Let me give you an example. So I found out. I'm always finding out that people are saying things about me too. I don't know why I'm just so fabulous.
JKO: You are fabulous, that's for sure.
Shwanda: But I find out that people have said something or went behind my back and said something or made up some fantastic lie about me. And immediately I want you to understand this, lady, immediately my flesh get it. If you understand what I mean, my mind, my emotions, get it, and then it wants to take it. And guess what? I want to put on those boxing marches, and I want to get those gloves and go. But then after I did that, because I'm more of a retrospective, reflective thinker. After I sit back and I think about it, I said, “Why did that trigger something in me?” Oftentimes, why Sistren, is because of the image that we want to portray. And when someone attacks the image that we have put out there, now we feel like we have to justify ourselves. So, what I’ve learned is that what you say about me is really none of my business. I'll repeat that, what you say about me is none of my business, and I shouldn't make it my business so that I don't have to be worrying about what I show versus what's within me. So, I deal with the why. Why am I feeling this way? Why am I responding this way? What is in me that is unresolved inside of me that I'm feeling this way about this particular subject? Because it's never outward. That's what I want you to understand. Everything, the spirit, the universe, God is all within you, and you are battling yourself. You're not battling people. Now, The Word says that we're not battling against flesh and blood, but you're battling against principalities, you're battling against wickedness in high places. Those high places are not all in the universe, but those are the things that attack your mind. They attack your spirit. So the battle is always within. So when people come at you, you have to know how to fight. And how you fight the battle is not fight out with them. No weapon formed against you shall prosper. Every tongue that rises against you in judgement, shall be condemned. Fire, fire, fire return to sender. So that's not the issue. What you have to deal with is your own self, the thing that is within you, the reason for your reaction, the reason that you took it on as something that did not belong to you. So you have to ask yourself, why am I showing this on the outside? But I really feel this way about me on the inside. Have I defined myself based on the accolades and the praises of man? Or have I defined myself based on the fact that God is mindful of me and that He loves me and that there's nothing that I can do that can take His love away from me? So these are the things that you have to do. What is the why? Why am I feeling this way? Why do I feel this way when I see… I'm going to deal with these women, because we see a man, maybe a woman, maybe flirting with our husbands or flirting with our partners, and we get so upset. Why? What has he shown you that lets you know that you're not safe? We don't want to deal with that. Right. So, Why? It's always a why. Why is it when your child responded that way you felt that way? Why is it when you found out that people were lying on you and embellishing things about you that you felt that way? Because you have placed your value, you have placed your self worth in the hands of people? You have not had yourself word within yourself. You have not believed in yourself. You have not loved yourself. You may show that to love yourself. And I'm telling you, all these little things that we have. Yeah, that's good, fine and dandy. But words don't mean anything if you don't hear your own words. Faith comes by hearing. So I hear myself speak those words of affirmation that I'm not just putting them out, but I'm taking the time to listen to the words of affirmation, the words of truth. The words of truth about yourself and if you don’t see that truth within yourself, you will always be looking for people to applaud you. And I stop that because that is a true destroyer. People will lift you up and they will drop you. Daddy used to always say this, may his soul rest in peace. My Daddy, Elder Onwuachi, he would always say, if you give people the power to uplift you, you also give them the authority to drop you. So never give people that type of power. The power is within you. I say, walk in the room and the floor is blowing. Every step you take. It has nothing to do with being conceited, but it has something to do with self confidence in knowing that. I hear people say, I am enough, but you are more than enough. You are more than a conqueror. You are an Overcomer. So when you walk in places, walk as if everywhere you go, the light is shining because it is shining. And everyone you smile at, they feel this light illuminating from you because you are a life giver. That is the self love that you have to have. And people that don't understand, they say, look how conceited she is. But no, I walk in the confidence of who God says that I am and I know say it to yourself, I am more than a conqueror. I am an Overcomer. So I flow in substance and essence because I know who I am and whose I am. That's how you have to live your life. That's the self love. The self love has nothing to do with whether your size two or size 24 . Whether your hair is long or short, whether you have light skin, dark skin, White, Black, Hispanic, or wherever you come from has nothing to do with any of that. It has to do with knowing that you are the Apple of the Lord's eye. You were created. And when he saw you, He said, “ ooh that's a good thing.” So you have to see yourself as a good thing. Now, my name is Ifeoma and so that means a good thing, Daddy was right. Now, listen, I'm going to tell you something very briefly, ladies, I hated that name. I couldn't stand that Dad called me this kind of crazy Nigerian, crazy bright name is that I don't want that name. So I always went by Shwanda, the name my mom gave me. And so Dad said, when he saw me, he looked at me and I said, this is Ifeoma because she is a good thing. So every time now when people call me Ifeoma, I don't mind people calling me Ify, that's fine. But call me Ifeoma because you are agreeing, this is too much, now you are agreeing with God. You are agreeing with my father. And where two or more are in agreement, there Christ is along with them. So every time you call me Ifeoma, you are saying good thing, good thing, good thing. And I began to walk in that thing because I hear it. So I want you to start speaking the words of life to yourself. Speak words of life. I'm not saying affirmation. Yeah people say that, but I say speak words to yourself. I am, whatever you say I am and you follow it, that’s what you become. So I don't say I am tired. No, I'm not tired. I am strengthened. I don't say I am poor. I am rich. The weak say I am strong and it doesn't matter. Listen. No, it doesn't matter who you're feeling in the natural, begin to speak out of your mouth. Because you are a lifegiver. Life and death lie within the power of the tongue. And they that love it shall eat its fruit. So you begin to speak life. So when I get up, I speak life. I say, I am the Apple of God's eye. I am the new creation created in Christ Jesus for good works. I am more than a conqueror. I am an overcomer. I am the head and not the tail. I'm above and not beneath. I am rich and it's just a matter of time. Lord God, that you will show me those people that I need to be a blessing too. Lord God, I am cleansed by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony. You have to begin to say what you are because you are it, that’s self love. I hope you catch that. You can't speak what you see. You got to speak what is, you understand? You got to speak what is. You are not what you see. You know that what we see is only temporary. But the things that are internal are everlasting than they are inside of you. That's what you have to speak, not what you see.
JKO: Oooh…this is fire. This is so good. I am so happy. I don’t even know where to go. My, my, my, Shwanda, you are blazing!!! So sisters, women, listening, speak what is, not what you see. You are in that mess. Yes, it is true. Actually, that is the fact but what is, is the truth. What has been said concerning you, what you believe you are? I am a good thing. Yes. I am awesome. I am a blessing. Shwanda said something, it's only a matter of time before you show me those who I am here to bless. Don't say what you see, say what you believe you have in your future. Okay, there's a problem Shwanda, some people get to a point because of trauma, they can't dream. When you say what is they can't, they can't see beyond where they are. Do you have any tips for how one can see beyond where they are?
Shwanda: Yes. Well, here's the fact that because we are in this physical universe, we have our human emotions, right? We have the pain. It is difficult to see beyond, especially when you're in the midst of the mess. It's hard to see it. But what I ask women to do, don't try to be as people say, don't try to be where you don't cry. I'm sorry, I'm just unapologetically Christian. But I believe that the Lord does send, He sends a helper. Don't turn away the helper that is coming to speak life to you because iron do sharpen iron. And so we need those who are going to come to our life and be quick to discern the spirit. How do you know? Because once you hear anything from the spirit of the Lord brings life to you. Know when someone is coming to withdraw from you versus those who are coming to deposit inside of you. So there are people in your life that you're going to have to allow to speak life into you until you're able to get up from where you are. I know I have been a person that shut down, shut out seclude myself. But the Lord is still mindful of you, so he will always in that moment you decide well I have to go to the store? Somebody began to speak and I speak it right now to you that those who are experiencing trauma. I know that the Lord has an angel that is coming your way that will speak life to you when you desperately need it. The moment that you feel like giving up, there is someone that God is going to fit into your life that will speak the life and breathe in life. And you shall become a living soul where your mind, your intellect, your imagination, your will and your emotions shall become alive to life and alive to you. Allow those people that you know, we know, we know. Allow those people that you know that have a spirit of life to speak into your life. It could be a total stranger. It will change you. And I look forward to all the women that are broken because we cannot fix one another. There's a Potter that could put us back together again so we cannot fix each other when we're broken. It takes a sister who understands how it is to put all the little pieces and the cracks and the glue, which for me is the blood of Jesus, put all the things back together so that we're home again. Allow other sisters who have walked this path, allow other sisters who have lived and have the testimony of overcoming to speak into your life. I know sometimes you don't want to hear. Trust me. When we bring our stories to you, we have been through the fire. But one thing about the fire, if you notice, even with gold, if you notice with fine metals, they'll put it in the fire. And when it comes out, what is it? And they wipe it, they wipe it. I like to say the hem of his garment wipes me off and then I come out and I'm shining because the fire is a purifying process. And what it does is that it causes all the stuff, that was all the impurities. When you look at the burning of metals, all the impurities come out. What was really on the inside, what was on that hole. The things that look, the diamond, the things that look really crazy and you're looking at it. But once it's chiseled away, you begin to see its value. I want you not to be afraid of the fire experience, because just like the Hebrew boys, God will not allow you to be in the fiery furnace by yourself. And even though the heat gets hotter and hotter and hotter and hotter, you shall come out unscathed. Because when you allow the Lord, you allow the love that He has for you to come through. I'm sorry, Judith. I can't say anything about nothing, but I know. And that is Christ Jesus. So there are people out here who are not necessarily believers in the Christ. I'm sorry. I do what's me.
JKO: I just want to say to everyone listening that this space is a space where people come to share what has helped them. And so everyone takes what they can use. One of the things that I have used to help myself, because my life has been messy. And that's why the inspiration for this came up. I've been helped by people. I've been helped by talking to others. But there are people who maybe they don't have people to talk to. That's why this podcast came to be, for you to hear from people. You may not know them personally, but you can connect with them, you can connect with their experience and apply the tips that they’ve used to come out to help yourself. Currently, Shwanda is a school administrator. She is in a very unique school and her school is not just a school where people learn their ABCs and want to trade. They are building lives. They're empowering children to be who they have been created to be, to live in their purpose. They are unearthing the diamonds in the lives of those children. And I’ll like Shwanda to speak just a tiny bit on how her experiences is helping her add value to the lives of these wonderful children.
Shwanda: Very briefly, I'm an administrator at San Antonio Prep school, currently, where I am over both middle school and high school. So, children come with some challenges. But what I've learned to do is that I use the hurts and the pains that I have, and sometimes all the child needs is a hug. And am known around the school of saying it is well, people. And another thing am known as saying is Wahala. It is well, it is well. And you would be surprised how just grabbing a child's hand, looking them in the eyes and saying it is well, how it changes their life because they're able to connect that you probably have the same experience. So that's how I help children, all children of color, very few that are not of color, that are there. So mostly children of color, majority boys. So I have to definitely speak into the lives of children as if they are my own, because they are my babies.
JKO: Shwanda, did you have to do any therapy?
Shwanda: I did. My dad sent me to a Christian counselor. Yes.
JKO: One of the things the enemy uses is our silence. He makes us ashamed of our experiences. We feel guilty, and then we're not able to share. And the longer we carry this, it's like keeping poison inside ourselves and the poison permeates everything, and then we are not able to come out or people end up doing terrible things to themselves. So, talking helps. And Shwanda, I just want you to share about how therapy helped you and what you can say to a woman out there who is overwhelmed.
Shwanda: It was from my father. He decided that I should go to a Christian therapist. And it really helped me being able to talk and then being able to have someone for me. So you don't have to use a Christian therapist. You can use a therapist, but make sure that person is whole, because sometimes therapists have their own Wahala. So I will say that make sure that it's a Christian therapist. If it's not a Christian therapist, but therapists that have some good reviews. Right? That have experience and make sure you're listening, listening to what they're saying and then take it and work with it. Don't just listen, but also talking. Be willing to be open with that person, because if you hide anything, you can't get any help. So share and be open, cry, whatever is necessary in that space. You can be as vulnerable as you need to be. So I say when you go to the therapist, be vulnerable. Don't worry about the stigmas about people who get therapy. It helped me greatly.
JKO: Awesome. So I want to encourage us to reach out to counselors. In the show notes, I’ll put where you can connect with Shwanda. Here, we're talking about being vulnerable, being transparent, not being ashamed of your experiences. And so I would like to encourage anyone who is going through don't keep it to yourself. Shwanda, It's been such an amazing time. But give us your last words. One for the road, for the listeners.
Shwanda: You are the Apple of God's eye. You are not what anyone says but you’re who you believe you are. Don't pay attention to the fact but what is and that's the truth. You are the Apple of God’s eye.
JKO: Thank you so much, Shwanda. It's been an absolute pleasure sharing the space with you and I want to thank you for your willingness to share. Thank you for being candid. Thank you for being open. That's what I am, an oversharer and it's okay and I love it. At first I didn't like it about myself because they say you talk too much, blah, blah, blah. And then you have vulnerability hangover. But now I've owned who I am. And then I found out my personality. We think through talking, ENFP. So I decided to, you know what? love who I am. It's not an easy journey to get to that place where you absolutely and completely love yourself, but it's a journey worth taking because if you don't love who you are, there's no one that will love you completely. No one, because human beings are fallible. They don't have all answers. People respond or react to you based on something that you have no business with. Maybe their background, their experience they had just before they connected with you. But if you love yourself, you won't take everything personal. I lived most of my life wearing my heart on my sleeve so you can imagine how bruised and broken my heart has been. So now my heart is where it's supposed to be, right inside, covered by godly thoughts and good thinking. And every day is a process we're learning. So thank you for listening today. And this is a space where women come and share their stories to empower, inspire, and motivate other women. So if you're a woman out there who has been in the mess and who has a story to share, please send me a DM and let's connect so that you can come and help other women to get to the place where their dreams come true. Shwanda is living her dream empowering children and the most beautiful thing about Shwanda's current job is that most of her students are boys. She didn't like men, remember? She really absolutely disdained them. But God healed her so she could become a force of change in the lives of these young men. So it's amazing how far we can go when we tell our story and when we yield to what the universe, what God has for us. So thank you so much and see you next time.
References in this episode
Total Praise by Richard Smallwood Lyrics