Living a Radically Audacious Life: Tiphany Kane on journeying from subserviency to saying Heck Yes! to life on her own terms

“You always have to make it all about you.” She had heard it once too many and this time, instead of allowing it to break her down, she leveraged that trigger and squared her shoulders to start the #selflove merchandise line. In this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, Tiphany Kane, the Heck Yes! coach is no stranger to challenging life circumstances but her ability to turn every hurdle into an opportunity for growth makes her a study in resilience. On this episode, Tiphany shares her journey from a life of subserviency and toxicity to a life of radical audacity.

In addition to coaching, Tiphany is the host of Radical Audacity in Love and Life, co-host of Mastering the Podcaster Mindset and co-founder of KaSa Media Productions. 

You can find Tiphany on: 

Instagram @tiphanykane

Podcasts at Radical Audacity in Love and Life and Mastering the Podcaster Mindset (All podcast platforms)

Purchase of course it's all about me #selflove merchandise

Join her membership on www.tiphanykane.com

Thank you so much for listening!

References in this episode

 Brene Brown’s Braving the Wilderness

Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things podcast episode on Quitting: When is it time to let something or someone go?

Dear Simone Biles, I Have a Terrible Thing To Admit

Charles Dickens’ Oliver Twist

Gaslighting

Please DM me on Instagram or Facebook @judithobatusa to let me know what you thought of this episode.

If you'll love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here.  

Music Credit:  https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter 

Join the Messy Can't Stop Her Sisterhood at https://www.facebook.com/groups/3204395256540448/

If you would love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here to let me know.

Thank you so much for listening.

Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

Transcript

This is Messy Can't Stop Her and I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa, J-K-O. 

JKO:       Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women's resilience through chaos, crisis, and the challenges of life. On today's episode, I am so, so delighted with this person who you're about to hear from. She is a woman of many, many parts. She's a great multitasker, very good at pivoting. I mean, she renews herself daily. And I'm not joking. She's Tiphany Kane. Tiphany, welcome.

Tiphany:              Judith, that was such a beautiful welcome. Thank you so much. I think I'm blushing. 

JKO:       Tiphany has two decades of experience in public education with specialization in public speaking and helping adults who are professionals to learn new things. She teaches adults. She's excellent. She's very, very passionate about coaching women to turn life’s painful “nos” into empowered opportunities to find the “yes” in their lives and businesses. Tiphany, in the past one year, when I talk about somebody who knows how to renew herself every day, you are about to listen to her. In the past one year, Tiphany who I dub TK, she is terrific and she's working in her kingship., this is not just a Queen, she has become the host of Radical Audacity in Love and Life. Radical Audacity in Love and Life podcast is a podcast where she shares the story, she introduces it to people who are living life on their own terms, people who have said no to societal limitations, no to judgment. They are living their life in the wholeness of who they are. That is Radical Audacity. You need to take a listen. In the show notes, you're going to see links to Radical Audacity so that you can join the Radical Audacity train, which Tiphany is leading. Tiphany, in the last one year has also begun the Mastering the Podcaster Mindset podcast. This podcast she co-hosts with her very own SSG. I call him SSG, her very own sexy sound guy, David Sais. In the past one year, Tiphany has also started KaSa Media Productions, where she supports podcasters and organizations who need audio visual, audio podcasting support to develop and to maintain their podcast. So if you need any kind of support around podcasting, this is your girl. 

So Tiphany has done all these amazing things in the last one year. And as you all know on Messy Can’t Stop Her, we always start with the mess. So, Tiphany, I want you to take us back to that mess from where you got to where you are today. 

Tiphany:              I mean, how far back do you want me to go, Judith? 

JKO:       As far back as you want. Because it takes a very special kind of person to be able to do so much in one year. Something significant happened to you. You had gone through all their life challenges. I didn't even tell you Tiphany is a survivor of a very toxic relationship. She's a survivor, and now she's a champion of supporting women to not live less than because of the toxic relationships around them to surmount those challenges. So, Tiphany, you've got so much to tell us about how to move through this kind of situation, because from my experience and the experience of many other people, toxic relationships have a way of taking away all the belief you have in yourself, making you feel that you're not valuable. In fact, disempowering you. No confidence, no ability to take risks, no ability to use the things that are part of you, the strengths you have because you no longer recognize your strengths. So please, Tiphany, take us back to the mess. 

Tiphany:              Okay. So, we'll go back a little ways. I think for all of us, we all have different places of mess, and a lot of it has our roots in childhood and what we've been taught in childhood and the messages. And each of us probably have parents that love us and did the very best they possibly could, so this is not a ding on parents or anything like that. But I was raised in a super strict, very patriarchal cult like religion, where I was told that good girls are quiet and meek and subservient and our whole goal in life is to get married. And, you know, we don't date to figure out who we get along with. We date for the sole purpose of getting married and getting married very young. So that was the religion I grew up in. I ended up leaving that religion for many reasons. There were so many moral things that did not fit with me that I didn't agree with. So I left at about right around 1920, drove my car 3000 miles across the country and came out to California from Florida. 

JKO:       Sorry, am so sorry. You said you left that's a long time ago. 

Tiphany:              When I was 19 or 20 years old. (JKO: Yes. Okay. All right.) Not in 1920. I have not aged that gracefully, Judith. I wish, that would be awesome. Can you imagine? Everybody would be signing up for my face cream. So it's probably about 28 years ago, though, now. I'm 48 years old now. So, yeah, I was 19 or 20 years old. I had to fill my car up with oil every single day and water every day because my little old car overheated every day and burned through the oil and water on that 3000 miles drive across the country. Yes, that's a whole different story. Anyway, fast forward, I'm in California and I left the religion and I left that behind me. I had to leave my family, leave all my friends, start fresh, start from scratch, completely alone, I felt like an orphan. Even though I left the religion and made that huge audacious decision that I was going to figure things out for myself and see where my place in the world was, there was still that training in my head of women are subservient… and you date to get married and… all of those kinds of very toxic messages that many young girls grow up with. And so I did end up pretty soon after moving out to California, meeting somebody, dating him, and getting married. And there were red flags from the very beginning, dear Judith, red flags, red flags. But I just thought that's the way relationships go, I knew nothing else. I thought you bend yourself in pretzels to make the man happy and if you'd not happy, you're doing something wrong. And you've got to keep bending, keep bending. And I got to the point, Judith, where my body was telling me, this is beyond toxic, Tiphany. I was so sick, Judith. I had been admitted to the hospital twice, code stroke called on me. I was on about twelve different medications, I had nodules on my thyroid, my kidneys were doing terrible, my blood pressure was uncontrollable. And here I was, a young mother, I had two young children. And I was pretty physically fit, and I was like, what is going on? Why is all of this happening? And nobody could explain to me why all of this was happening. And that was the beginning of the end of my marriage. Me realizing, OK, all of this toxicity that I am living with every single day is literally killing me. And so I left the marriage, which was we were together 19 years. So that was hard to do and painful and all of that good stuff. But, Judith, within a year of leaving that marriage, I was off every single medication except for one. My endocrinologist is like, “Your nodules are gone, what did you do?”, “I got divorced.” (JKO: Wow.) Yeah. So it's that kind of set me up on a trajectory where I love your title, Messy Can't Stop Her, because I think that's the trajectory I ended up on was all right. I've left this marriage. I got married very young been subservient for so long. Like, who am I really? What am I interested in? I had to learn how to set boundaries. I had to learn what I like, what I'm interested in. And so I just started doing everything, Judith. I started running marathons. I joined a cycling club and ran 100 miles bike ride. I joined a book club. I started doing aerial dance where you hang from the ceiling upside down. I do all crazy stuff. You name it, I'm going to do it. I was like, okay, if an opportunity arises, I'm going to go try it and have some fun and meet some people and figure out what it is I like. I went and got my master's degree. And just the last seven years has been explosive growth and self awareness and learning to love myself in a way I never did before. And I'm just on a mission now. I want every woman to feel like this. I want every woman to just be in love with life and to feel that joy and that possibility and the magic that is all around us. 

JKO:       Awesome. You've said so many good things. My main reason for starting Messy Can’t Stop Her is the fact that many of us that are in toxic situations, we are not in a cage, but the cage is in our minds. (Tiphany: Yes.) And the moment that you realize that I am my own jailer, not the other person, not the situation, that moment, you get freedom, and then you begin to work towards leaving that toxic situation or relationship that you found yourself. You said there were red flags. As a domestic violence advocate, I know we always talk about the types of domestic violence and all that. The truth is that like you said, there are always red flags. (Tiphany: Always.) So just in case there's someone listening and the person is stumped by what I just said and what you just agreed to red flags. And though we use the phrase red flags for some people, they really don't know what these red flags are. In your case, there are different red flags. But in your case, what's where those red flags are thinking back now because in the middle of the situation, I don't know if you really took them as serious enough to make you leave, but what were those initial red flags? And then give me two. The first set the initial one at the beginning, and then when you got in, the second stage red flags. So the first stage red flag. 

Tiphany:              Okay. So I think I'm going to start with a little bit of imagery. We've probably all heard of the lobster boiling in the pot, right? Like if you put a lobster in already boiling water, it's not going to happen. Right? Or frog or any creature you try to put in boiling water is going to fight and whatever. However, if you put a creature like a lobster or frog or whatever, and you put it live in nice water and it feels comfortable and you slowly start turning the temperature up and slowly start turning the temperature up, it doesn't realize it's being boiled alive until it's too late. And I do think that's the way it is for many women and even men that get into these toxic relationships. In the beginning, the toxicity is kind of insidious, it's kind of a quiet toxicity. It's the little comments that just kind of make you question yourself. “Oh, I never said that.” “I didn't really do that.” “You imagined that that happened.” “If you just would be on time for things, then this wouldn't have happened.” And little things that don't seem like that big of a deal. It very rarely starts with the physical violence. It's usually a mental emotional game, and to me, that's the most dangerous toxicity. When it reaches the physical level, you see it. You know what? You know that happened. Okay. I know you punched me. I know that that is actually something I know. But before that, they make you feel crazy. “No, I never said that.” “No, didn't do that.” “No, You imagined that.” “You're overreacting.” “If you would just calm down and not be so crazy, then these things wouldn't happen.” And you get those comments over and over to where you think, Am I crazy? Did I create this? Am I the toxic one in this situation? Did I imagine that? And so those were the kinds of things in the beginning that happened over and over. And it would be little digs to confidence as well. Little things like make a comment. He'd say, “oh, well, it's just always about you, isn't it?”, to where it would become uncomfortable for me to talk about myself in any way, shape or form, my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions. Because heaven forbid, he tell me, I make it all about myself. And there would be comments about my body. Like I mean, when we met, I was tiny. It was like a size four. I was tiny. And he would just always, “oh, look at your poochy belly.”, like, you know, always make comments. And so all of these physical things, it seeps in, you know, it just seeps in. And I think coming from the background I came from, which is you're quiet. You're subservient. Men are always right, that kind of thing, it leads you to fall prey to these toxic type of relationships. I didn't know what boundaries were, Judith. And so basically, if I was to define a red flag to somebody, a red flag is that inner knowing inside yourself that says, this isn't right? I don't like this. This doesn't feel good. And it doesn't have to be something dramatic. It doesn't have to be you're getting hit or kicked or threatened with a knife, which all of those happened to me. It can be as quiet as well. I didn't like the way he talked to me. I didn't like the way he dismissed my feelings. I don't like the way he's telling me that this is all my fault. Listen to those quiet voices in your head that are saying that because those quiet voices are saying, you deserve better. This is a red flag. Run. Now get out of this now. And if there is any gift I could give to the young women of today, it's really know yourself and listen to yourself. And when that inner knowing, when that inner voice says, I don't like this, it's time to get curious about that. It's time to say, okay, why is this feeling uncomfortable? Why do I not like this? Maybe we have a conversation. Maybe it's a misunderstanding, but maybe it's something bigger, right? 

JKO:       Thank you so much for saying that, Tiphany. One of the things that I discovered in our lives, many of us as women, we actually don't remember ourselves. We don’t remember who we are or who we were. So first of all, we want to please our parents. So we're trying to be good girls and then or whatever kind of girl they need us to be on our teachers and all the authority figures around us. Then, like someone like yourself, you left your parents’ authority because you felt this was toxic and all of that and then you moved away. But when you moved away, you carried it with you. Yes. You didn't leave it behind. (Tiphany: That's exactly right.) Because when you left, you still didn't know who Tiphany was. You didn't know what lit Tiphany up, what Tiphany didn't like. We have all been conditioned to be pleasing these people. And I was reading recently about people pleasers. Am a recovering People Pleaser (Tiphany: Me too!). They said people pleasers always attract narcissists. Yes. Because we are so desperate to please that the more they give us this shifting goal post. Today, they ask for this, we do it tomorrow, they ask for something different from what they asked for yesterday. And one thing I found out, it's not just a marriage. You can have a narcissist for a boss, I've had that experience. (Tiphany: and friends.) So now you leave home, you go and live in another place 3000 miles away. And what you do, the first thing you do is to fall prey to what you left. So it's so important to know who we are, and we do that, I think when Tiphany continues her story, we will see how she found Tiphany. She got reintroduced to Tiphany. So when you left this, you lost who you were, the loss of individuality. You lost yourself, and then you had the freedom. How was the process of leaving? Because I know that that is one of the most difficult. I give you kudos. You left once, you didn't go back. 

Tiphany:              You know what? Yes. Here's the thing about me, Judith. I'm a fiercely loyal person, and I will do everything I can to make something work out. So I was with him for 19 years. It was like, I will try everything, read every book, went to therapy, did all of the stuff because I believed in marriage. I did not believe in divorce. I did not want to be the divorced person. But I'm also the person that when I make a decision, I've made the decision and I'm comfortable with it. I've done everything I can. And so now I've made a decision, and I'm going forward with that decision. I am not really the type of person that questions my decisions very much. I do have confidence in myself. Like when I left home, I knew that's what I needed to do. this to me is radical audacity. You do things that you know are right for you, even though they're the hard things. So leaving home, driving 3000 miles across the country. I lost my mother and my sister forever. Like, it's 28 years later and I don't have a relationship with them at all. They won't talk to me. I did gain back some relationship with my dad and my other sister, but that was a difficult path at 19, 20 years old to make of okay, everybody I know, I'm willing to lose because I know that's not the right path for me. And so I knew that was the decision for me. So on some core level, I have a really good, strong, deep inner knowing. So same thing with my divorce. When it came time for that, I knew this is what I needed. And Judith, I pretty much fast-tracked the divorce, it was done in six months. I was like, I'm not fighting anything. We're done. I walked away from the house. I walked away. I walked away from everything. I probably got a fraction of what I deserve from the marriage. But to me, the freedom and the getting it done quickly and the going on with my life was so worth it. I have friends that two, three years., they're still fighting in courts and battles and lawyers and $50,000 later. And I was like, no, that's not what I want. I will give everything up and I did. Great financial burden for me. I gave everything up. Start from scratch. I moved into a tiny little 500 sq. Ft one bedroom apartment with my two boys. And I was like, I don't care. I'll leave my house that we just remodeled whatever, I need out. So I chose my battle and my battle was, I'm getting out. I'm getting out now. I'm getting out quick. And I value my mental health more than I value the money and the finances and whatever we've built up in our 19 years of marriage, that is less important to me. We fast tracked it, six months. 

JKO:       Wow. So I think your personality type also plays a huge role in the way you make your decisions. So as a coach for women, you would have met people who don't have your personality. What do you say to them? They are not able to make a decision just immediately because your personality is really, really unique. And I wish that were mine, but I think I'll be one of those you coach, please tell us. 

Tiphany:              You know, Judith, it seems like it was quick, and I think this is the way it is with everybody. We look at, we see where they're at. Now. I wish I could do that. I was with him for 19 years, and there was a good five years where I knew this marriage is not working. I threw a whole bunch of Hail Mary's. Let's try to make it work. But it took me about five years to extricate myself. I mean, yes, once I decided I was out and I filed, it was six months. Boom. Done. But it was five years of is there any other way? What are the other Hail Mary's? What else can work? And me getting sicker and sicker and falling apart more and more. So what I would say to any woman I coach is we are all on our own journey in our own path, and you have to listen to your inner knowing. This path is going to look different for each of us. There are some women that would have said, Screw that, I'm not spending 19 years with a man that treats me like that. There are women who have never gotten in that situation right because they had such a strong inner knowing. They would never put up with that from the beginning. That first date where that first thing was said, they would have been like, yeah, no, I'm out. So we're all on a different path. All I can do is take what I've learned and take my path and provide as much help and comfort and guidance and support so that each woman can find her journey, her path, her empowerment. But I would say the absolute most important thing that any woman can do is sit quietly with herself and start trusting herself. Trusting yourself. And I think that's the hardest relationship to have. That's the hardest trust to have, especially when we've been through trauma and abuse, you don't trust yourself at all. You're constantly fearful that you're going to make the same decisions and go into the same patterns. And so it's that constantly, okay, how am I feeling about this? That constant curiosity about, okay, this feeling came up. Where did that come from? Why am I feeling this? Is this coming from a should feeling? Is this coming from a guilt feeling, from a pleasing feeling? Or is this coming from this really doesn't feel good to me. This is not true to who I am. And so that is where I approach people from. 

JKO:       You still take us back to the power of self reflection. It's just too important. But for some reason, we just lose it until life forces us. For some people, they never even ever get to that point. So we are one of the blessed few that have come to the knowledge that self reflection is so important. We have to be able to listen to ourselves. Many times people want to see somebody in an abusive relationship and they keep saying, Why are you there? You should leave. The problem is, if they leave in the midnight hour when they are crying, will you be there with them? You have to leave when you are ready to leave, no matter your personality type. And maybe it will take you two years and not fast track six months, like Tiphany, you may be dilly dallying for another two years. While you have left, you may still be relating with the individual. Whatever it's your journey. Don't judge yourself, don't feel bad. Just get as much support as you can get therapy where needed, join groups. There are so many wonderful groups on Facebook. In fact, Tiphany has one of those groups, and I'll put a link to that too in the show notes. So there are many supports available till you are ready to move on to the next step. So I'm just going to ask you, when you left, you started to get involved in so many things. When you were saying other things you were doing, I was thinking you were a young mom with two children, a single parent. How did you do that? 

Tiphany:              I had a lovely babysitter that would come, and I just budgeted. I am having a babysitter come in because this is mental health time I need. So there was a certain point in time where I was full time single mom. He didn't have access to the kids for a certain amount of time and so that's when I had a babysitter coming, because I knew I needed time to heal, I needed to be the best mom for them I could. It was such an emotional, difficult time. I found this women's cycling club full of just women, women of every shape, size, background, experience. And we would meet every Saturday and go for these long road cycle rides, 35, 45, 65 miles. And it's kind of like a four or five hour event. And it was so wonderful, the camaraderie and the experience of these women, of so many just the age range and the life experience range, it built me up so much. It raised my confidence. It gave me a community and a tribe. I was learning something new. I was getting stronger. I was getting more physically fit. I was getting more mentally fit. And so that was really a wise use of my budget money, right? Like, I don't care, I'll eat soup every day to be able to go pay for babysitter and go on these bike rides. And then when he got his rights back then we were 50 50. And so then I had every other weekend to explore. And I remember my first weekend without the kids. It was Easter weekend, and I thought I was going to die. Not only was it my first holiday without the kids, it was my first five day stretch without my children, and I was going to die. And I sat on the couch and I had this feeling of being completely unmoored of, like a boat lost at sea. Like, who am I without my children and what do I do? And I kind of said to myself, you have to figure out who you are without your kids. Like, this can't be your whole identity, and this isn't good for them if the whole time they're gone, you're sitting on the couch crying and watching sappy shows that make you cry more like, this can't be the mom they come home to. They need to come home to a happy, healthy, full mom who is excited to see them, and we can swap stories. So I decided to start using my weekends to just explore things. And I went that weekend and drove out to Palm Springs and got a tattoo and started my journey. I'm like, I'm getting a tattoo. I'm marking this event, and I'm taking back who I am. And it was great.

JKO:       I have to ask you a question. (Tiphany: Sure.) How did you become so wise? You always take the right step. I know that has something to do with experiences, learnings, but what made you this wise? For so many, they would cry and hate the man for taking his children for a time. And how did you come to be this wise person where you are? 

Tiphany:              I think it's a combination of things, Judith. I've always been somebody that's a little different than everybody else, and I've kind of been okay with that. Like, I've always gone by the beat of a different drum. I've always been felt very kind of odd girl out. And I think that's okay every once in a while. It kind of bothered me. But it's okay when you have that kind of I go by the beat of a different drum. I'm a little odd. I'm a little different. I think you learn to have a relationship with yourself a little bit more. Right. Because you don't quite speak the same language as everybody else. And so you just learned to have this strong inner dialogue. And so I did. I built up a strong inner dialogue over the course of my life, even from a little girl. And I would also say community, when I was going through my divorce, actually, when I was making the decision even to go through the divorce, it was when I realized what I was in was an abusive relationship. I had never, ever thought of my relationship as abusive before, ever. And my littlest was just under two years old. Well, right around two, probably just right around two. And my big boy was about seven. And something happened where it was an abusive situation with my big boy and his dad. And I called my dad and I was like, I can't believe this happened. Blah, blah, blah. And he's like, you need to call an abuse hotline. I'm like, what do you mean abuse? He's like, yeah, that's abuse. And you need to call hotline. And I was shocked. So I was like, okay, I'll call the hotline. I called the hotline. And they're all, we have to report this as abuse. I'm like, no, what do you mean it's not? Yeah, it is. And so that started me on the path. I joined a group. I got group counseling with a local women's abuse shelter. And that, Judith, was the best thing I ever did. Because when you have this group coaching and you're able to get intelligent help along your path and to understand and awaken what's happening to you and then to take steps in a healthy way, then that's really smart. So I would say the group therapy, listening to myself deeply and then going on and just being curious and meeting people and joining different communities and different groups and trying to branch out. The other thing is when you're in an abusive relationship, you get very isolated. And so I truly had to learn how to step out and connect with people and meet with people and make a really conscious effort. Join a running club, join a cycling club, join a book club, make an effort to get out there and meet people and try things. So I think it's that combination of stuff that helped me to know me and to be aware and to make my decisions.

JKO:       Is there the place of books? Were their books that maybe you ran into on the journey and that really gave you insight and shown a light on your situation?

Tiphany:              So many books. There's one book I don't remember the name of that my therapist gave me, and it was something to do with relationship with a narcissist. I don't remember the name of the book, but I remember reading the book and getting so triggered, these intense, almost like PTSD hyperventilating. And I'm going to throw up. And all of this was like, oh my God, this has been my life. This book is talking about my life and it's horrible to read about. It's absolutely horrifying to read about. And yet this is what I've been living. Because when we're living in it, we're just day to day, we're not realizing how utterly horrific it is, what we're living with. But reading about it in black and white, it's like this is horrible stuff. I would never want anyone to go through that. Books have been my best friend my whole life. Judith. I started reading at a very four years old. I think I was an avid reader. And so I'm looking at my bookcase right now like all the books. Yes. Many, many, many books have gotten me through. Yes.

JKO:       Yeah. Sometimes women say, I don't want to be belong to anything. There's too much politics, there's too much drama with women groups, blah, blah, blah. But from the story and many other stories that I have been privileged to hear, the power of community cannot be over emphasized. The power of therapy cannot be overemphasized. The power of knowledge seeking through books, through podcasts, through talk shows, or things like that. It cannot be over emphasized. And it's not a one tool activity. It's a combination of tools. For Tiphany, she’s talked about three or four different things that helped her through the process. So, Tiphany, I just want to take us back to the last one year where you have made such great strides in your professional life. And I'm not sure when the SSG got involved. I need some insights on that, because some of us, (Tiphany: You need the juicy.) We need the juicy. Because some of us, we are drooling. We want some. We want some, too. So tell us the trick. But I'm not going to ask that yet. So the last one year, you've started so many amazing things, and I remember you saying when you first started your love and life after divorce that is now radical audacity you were talking about how you were so teammate or you are not very confident and look at you now. So please give us the juicy on this, because we may need to know that no matter the mess we've been through or the mess we're in, there are people whose stories we need to listen to because we, too, can be the next story someone is listening to. 

Tiphany:              Yeah. And, you know, I think that's one of the big lessons I've learned from this, Judith, is how many lives you can touch. You don't realize that your story. I still get whiplash every time somebody's like, oh, my gosh, I want you to come on my podcast and tell your story like me. Okay? It doesn't I don't feel extraordinary, but we do touch people's lives, and I don't think we realize it. Okay, so I got my master's degree. It's been about four years now. And, yeah, it was a great accomplishment. Single mom, newly divorced, get your master's degree. And I got it in educational administration. I've been in public education for two decades, and I'd been a classroom teacher and loved it, but knew I was ready for something different. I wanted to be like a change maker on a bigger scale. I want to make bigger differences. So I thought, okay, I'll move into administration and I can make more wide scale differences and changes. So I got my Masters in administration and started moving in that direction with my school district. But, Judith, it was so not in alignment with who I was. I got into this new position and just it was like kind of heartbreak after heartbreak after heartbreak of feeling like, this just isn't me. This isn't who I am. This isn't what I was meant for. And I was trying, I would apply for maybe a different position and. Okay, well, maybe that position, I'll get to do something different over there. And I applied maybe two or three different positions, and I didn't get them. And one of them I was crazy qualified for, and I sat down with my supervisor. I'm like, I don't understand. I've never not gotten a position I've applied for, especially when I'm this qualified for it. Can you help me? I want to understand what's happening and what I can do different, what's going on? Which I highly recommend, always have some sort of interview with your supervisor when things aren't going the way you want. Like, be curious. It's that curiosity. I'm curious. Please help me. So she had a lovely conversation with me, and one of the things she said in there is, “Tiphany, you're just too passionate. You are too passionate. You want to make too many changes, and you're just too passionate. And that really intimidates people. And if you're going to move forward, you have to really dial that passion down.” Judith, that was the greatest gift she could have ever given me, because at that point, I had to make a decision. Okay, do I dim my light, do I hide under a basket so that I can move forward with this school district? Or do I make a decision to shine my light even brighter, let my passion shine and rear, explode and extricate myself from this 20 year career and go on a new terrifying path of doing my own thing.? And so that's the path I'm on now is saying, Well, I'm not going to dim my light. I'm going to start my own thing. I'm going to go for it, and I'm going to try some things and some will work and some won't. And I'm going to create my own path. And it's terrifying because it's a 20 year career. It's what I call a bookend career. I get ten paychecks a year. I know what those paychecks are. I get health insurance. I know when my vacations are. I have a retirement, and so I'm leaving that. But it's a bookend job, and I'm leaving it for something that's way open, something that I'm creating, I'm responsible for. And there's so much fear in that because you're leaving that security. But that security is a cage, Judith. It's a cage that I've created for myself of that security. And so now I get to fly free, and I may crash, crash, who knows? But the beautiful thing is, I think when we have the confidence in ourselves to say, okay, I'm making this decision, and it's a terrifying decision, and it's a scary decision, but it is in alignment with who I am, then I know I trust myself to whatever happens with this decision to make the best of it. And even if this particular path doesn't work, I can pivot. And you talked about pivoting in the beginning, and I pride myself on the pivot. I have no shame in going, well, that didn't work. Let me try something else. Okay, that didn't work. Let's try something else. Failure is the greatest teacher. So that's where I'm at. I'm in that … you talk messy can't stop Her, Judith,  right now. That is, I am in such a messy thing. I will stand in the kitchen pouring my tea and have a mini panic attack of, oh, my God, I'm leaving my 20 year career, How can I do this to then be like, oh, my God, I'm so excited about what I'm doing. So it's a roller coaster. I'm not going to lie. It is messy right now, but I feel so alive and so happy. 

JKO:       Good. So I just want to say something. I would like you to speak a little bit about the issue of shame. People saying it's a big challenge why people don't step out to do things that they dream about. Shame. Shame of what people are going to say or they're doing something. People expect them to keep doing this thing shame, even though they feel like you felt in that job, you just felt in you that it wasn't working. Shame keeps people pushed down. Please, can you just speak a little as the host of Radical Audacity, not just the host, as a living example of radical audacity, I know. How do you address shame when you're in it? 

Tiphany:               I am going to quote Brene Brown, because she, to me, is kind of the pinnacle of… she's a shame researcher and I have every one of her books and I've listened to them all on Audible. And gosh, if she could be my best friend, I would be so happy. Thank you. I just love her. But she talks about shame as actually being this armor we carry, and it's an armor that separates us rather than connects. Right. And it's this fear and shame often comes from this, oh, my gosh, they might reject me if they know who I really am. But what shame does is create an armor around us that doesn't allow people in in the first place when we can release that shame and we can say, hey, alright, well, this didn't work for me. Well, then people actually come in closer. She calls it soft front, wild heart, strong back, I think is how she says it. I'm totally messing up how she says it, but I know wild heart is part of it and soft front, she says most of us have an armored front and a soft back, which means we don't have a lot of boundaries. We don't have a lot of protection. We're really exposed in the back, but we carry this armor around us in the front where we won't let people in. So she wants us to have this soft front, this wild heart and that strong back, that boundary back, that is our backbone, that is our strength that holds us up. And if we can do that, then we don't need to have shame about anything. Like truly every embarrassing, terrifying, scary, whatever thing has already happened to millions of people, whether it's an STD, whether it's an abusive relationship, whether it's getting a traffic ticket, whether it's, whatever it is, whatever that shameful thing is, so many other people have experienced it already. And when you share it, then other people go, oh, yeah, me too. I've experienced that, too. And now you're connecting and now you're together. The other piece of that is, and Glennon Doyle talks about this a lot with quitting failure, we're afraid of failing. And, you know, that went through my head, got this 20 year career. If I quit now then? Like, have I failed? Am I not strong enough to continue this? Like, other people can retire in this career? Why can't I? But what she says is every decision you make is quitting on something, right? So if I continued in this career and retired in this career, I am quitting on my dreams and on my inner knowing and on knowing who I am. If I quit my job, then I'm continuing on exploring who I am, going for my inner knowing, shining my light as bright as possible, trying to make as much impact as I can on the world. And you have to decide, what do you want to quit on? Where do you want to fail? And I'd much rather fail at this bookend thing, rather than fail myself, I'd rather quit this bookend career, which I have so much respect for. So I'm not in no way, shape or form saying people that retire as teachers, like, there's any problem with that. It's just not my path anymore. I'm still passionate about public education, but it's just… for me, for my inner knowing. I was being asked to be somebody I wasn't. And I just can't do that. (JKO: It wasn't just about the teaching.) Right. And I can still teach all the time. 

JKO:       Yeah. It's not just about the teaching. So for anybody who is listening, it's about when something does not align with your personal values. And so many times, we don't want to listen to that. In our heart, we know that we're not getting the best. We're not living the best. What we're doing is because it's an amazing career. I get all my benefits, I get pension. But deep inside our hearts, we are not even able to show up in our wholeness in those spaces. So whether it's teaching, whatever career. A friend of mine retired as a pediatrician, and other doctors are like, why will you retire? Why should you retire? She's a public speaker. She's somebody who supports parents with LGBTQ kids. She's also helping children not to kill themselves and she wants to stem the tide of teen suicide. So for her, that is much more important than earning money as a pediatrician, which is very good money, too. So sometimes we have to just support people in their decisions, and no one should feel really bad about it. And if you are a woman in a messy situation at work, this is just for you to take a moment to think about what I have to do at work. Does it align with my values, my personal values? So what Tiphany said, take a moment. Take a moment to be with yourself and listen to yourself. So, Tiphany, thank you so much for so many insights that you've given us. I just want to ask you, I know that you're in another wonderful relationship. And for someone like me, I always say I want to be loved. I want to experience love in this lifetime. And for so many, they are scared of stepping out because one's beaten ten times shy. But once again, Tiphany, you are ahead of the pack. So give us the juice on that one. 

Tiphany:              Okay, so I'm going to say, once again, I worked with the relationship coach, so once again, I reached out for help. I knew I was not doing this well. After I got divorced, I started dating and I kept falling into similar patterns. I'm like, okay, this is not the life I want. I didn't leave that marriage to continue the pattern. I don't want this. And so I started with a relationship coach, and it was really beautiful because her method is really getting to know yourself, setting boundaries, loving yourself, that kind of thing. And then relationships come from that. I spent five years with her and having different relationships while I'm with this relationship coach and learning about myself. And then, yeah, I met Sexy Sound Guy, David, two years ago. And it was the right timing. It was the right timing. It was the right person at the right time. I had grown enough. I was confident enough. You have to get to a place where you can receive love. And I don't think I was very much in that place for quite a while. I was in that very armored place for a long time and David is an insane giver. Like, he gives so freely and beautifully of his love that had I met him a couple of years before, I probably wouldn't have taken him seriously. Probably would have been like, who are you? This is weird. And now I can just receive his love and bask in it and feel great in it. Every once in a while, I still go like, are you for real? Really? You love me that much, but it's just a beautiful thing. But it came, Judith, from doing deep inner work and really learning to love myself first. And that's actually something I work on every single day, is learning to love myself, learning to trust myself. I don't think it will be a journey I will ever finish. I think we will all, I personally will definitely have my down days and my self doubting days and the days where I have to remind myself why I deserve love and all of that. And truly, Judith, we all deserve love because that's it. We do because we are, right? It's not because you have a podcast. It's not because you make 100,000 a year. It's not because you're a mom. It's not because you bought a house. Those aren't the reasons you deserve love. You deserve love because you are. And so just reminding myself of that is really important. So that's where the relationship came from. And we met right before Covid, right before Lockdown. We met in January, and he met my children literally the weekend before Lockdown. You want to talk about relationship forged in fire. He had a cancer diagnosis during that time, job changes and challenges with my children, health challenges, my health challenges. We've all gotten Covid. It has been quite the two years, and we're closer than ever. 

JKO:       Wonderful. I remember you telling the story of how you started the selflove clothing. And it just speaks a lot about this issue where we talk about shame, how instead of being shamed, you turn the tables around and actually became more empowered. I would love for you to talk to the woman listening. Tell us a little about that story, and then just tell us about the power, the importance of self love. You've done really, really incredible work on your person and how important it is for us to really take time out to know ourselves and to love ourselves. The work you've done is what gave you that response to a situation that was supposed to shame you. 

Tiphany:              Yeah. So this story happened around the Olympics. It started with Simone BIOS when she pulled out of the Olympics. And my initial response was, oh, my gosh, how could she do that? She's worked so hard. How can she let everybody down? I can't believe this. This is so sad. And then I almost like, mentally stopped myself as like, Tiphany, stop it. This is her life. She is one of the hardest working women in sports. If this is the decision she made, she made it for a good reason. Take a step back. And so I wanted to get really curious about my initial response. Why was that my initial response? And so I explored it and actually wrote an article about that. And I connected it back to being in that gas lit relationship and all of that and realizing that I had been so trained to not honor my needs and my feelings that seeing another woman have the audacity to honor her needs. And it truly was a life and death situation for her. What she was in. She knew that if she competed in this, she could seriously hurt herself because she was not in a good mental state and she owned that and she stood up for that. And to see another woman stand in her audacity was like, wow, okay, this is bringing up things for me because I didn't live in that for a long time. And so I wrote an article about it. The article got published and all of this. And somebody responded back to me, oh, so brave of you to make somebody else's problem all about you. And that was exactly what my ex husband used to say to me, oh, you're making it all about you. Everything's all about you. And I responded back to her, Well, yeah, it is all about me. Hashtag self love. It's like we've got to figure out what our part is in everything. We've got to have that self reflective. Why did I respond that way? Why was that? My initial where did that come from? And we grow. When we question ourselves and our initial responses and our knee jerk reactions and we say, well, where did that come from? Why do I have this trigger? And when we question ourselves, then we grow. When I wrote that article, I had that one negative, and I probably had hundreds of positive responses to the article, but that one negative again, made me reflect. And I wrote an article about I kind of got a clothing line around it and stuff because it's like, yeah, the clothing line is it's all about me hashtag selflove. And it is we have to start making things about us in a very loving way. I mean, the more we can understand ourselves and the more we honor ourselves, the more we can give to others. When I was at the height of my shame and my not honoring myself and my fear and my insecurity, I had nothing to give to anybody else. I was an exhausted mom. I was not a very good friend. When I did get together with my friends, I was probably super negative and complaining about everything, and I was miserable. I wasn't healthy. Once I started really focusing on selflove and taking care of myself. Well, now I have so much to give to others. I have so much energy and love and light and Grace and patience and just everything to give to others because I feel good. So it's not selfish to have self love. That's my soapbox. 

JKO:       Thank you so much, Tiphany. I can't get enough of that self love part because I must tell you, I didn't love myself. And right now I'm learning. And when your default is taking all the rubbish, then how to re-educate yourself to unlearn and relearn is not an easy journey, but you just have to make a commitment to keep doing it. So, like, I always ask everyone who comes a Messy Can’t Stop Her because I'm Oliver Twist. I don't know if you read his story Oliver Twist with the boy who asks for more at the office. I'm going to ask you, (Tiphany:  please, sir, can I have some more? Please, sir, can I have some more?) I want to ask you for just one for the road, for the listeners. Just speak to that woman who is in a space where it seems like the mess isn't stopping. And so she is no longer dreaming. She's no longer putting herself first, she doesn't even know how to because she's forgotten who she is. Please tell us something that she can hold on to that will encourage her that she can use to remind herself that she's worth it. 

Tiphany:              You know, what worked really well for me is I kind of okay. It sounds a little silly, but I imagined myself as Wonder Woman. I would sit there and visualize myself as Wonder Woman. I love Wonder Woman so much, and I would visualize myself as Wonder Woman. And my mantra was Project doormat, no more. Project doormat, no more. I will no longer be anyone's doormat. And that was my mantra. I would say all the time in any situation I was in, okay, am I being a doormat right now? Is this truly what I want? Would Wonder Woman do this? So I would say to any woman, Just start some visualizations. Who do you look up to? Who is your image of strength? Who is your pinnacle? And start visualizing yourself in that skin. Eventually, you don't need to do that anymore because you visualize yourself. You don't have to visualize yourself as Wonder Woman. But in the beginning, it's a really good visualization to kind of get you to stand up tall and throw your shoulders back and have that aura of, okay, I am a strong woman. I am projecting this and have some sort of mantra for yourself that feels good to you. That project doormat no more, was my mantra. I wrote it down. I made a Facebook post about it. I repeated it constantly. I will not be a doormat. I read every book I could on boundaries, and there's hope. Just visualize yourself and start making small steps, whether it's reading a book, joining a group, getting some exercise, valuing yourself, eating healthy, whatever that thing is that you're doing, because we all self sabotage, we all hurt ourselves. So whatever that is, if you know your lactose intolerance, stop eating ice cream, because that's hurting yourself. You know what I mean? Like little things that you can do to say I love myself more than I love this thing that's hurting me. You're proving to yourself that you love yourself and you value yourself. And those little little things build up to giant exposures. Join a club, join a group for me, I joined a running club. And every single mile that I ran, I felt more confidence and more confidence because you can't run and talk negative to yourself. You run and you have to talk positive. You are stronger than this Hill. You can get through this mile. You've got this. And you have to start talking positive to yourself. And that's kind of where I started. Find a place that you start where you start talking positive yourself. You start proving to yourself that you love yourself in those little ways. And they snowball. And your inner goddess warrior will come out when you let her. She wants to explode out. You just have to give her those little cracks and let her explode. 

JKO:       Thank you so much, Tiphany. Very great last words from you on this episode. I am so grateful that you came on, and I'm so excited because I know that your next stage after the 20 year career is going to be much greater than the last 20 years. Thank you so much, Tiphany, for being an inspiration. You're an inspiration to me and to many other women that I know personally and we appreciate you for stepping up for showing up despite negative thoughts that you have to contend with every day. The shame that everyone who is stepping up has to contend with you consent every day and because of that, we are enjoying your goodness. 

Tiphany:              Well, thank you. Thank you. You warm my heart. I really appreciate it, Judith. It's an honor to be here and to be in your space and thank you for holding space for me and thank you beautiful listeners for listening and please just reach out to Judith. Reach out to me. We love hearing your stories. 

JKO:       Thanks so much for listening to this episode of messy can stop her in the show notes. I'm going to have links to Tiphany's podcasts, her group and the references that she made in this episode. And if you're a woman out there with a story to tell, the world needs you, there's a woman who needs your story to step out of her mess. And even though you might want to do it, afraid, yes, go for it because you know what Messy Can't Stop You. Have a good day and see you next time.