Messy Can't Stop Her

Gaslighting to G.R.I.T: Dr Anne E. Burnley continues her story of finding purpose from the pain of domestic violence

June 23, 2022 Judith Kambia Obatusa (JKO)/Dr Anne E. Burnley Season 2 Episode 10
Messy Can't Stop Her
Gaslighting to G.R.I.T: Dr Anne E. Burnley continues her story of finding purpose from the pain of domestic violence
Show Notes Transcript

Whether a medical doctor, army veteran or a stay-at-home mom, domestic violence has no status limitation. Whether emotionally abused, heartbroken, traumatized or gaslighted, your life can still be a beautiful story. DrAhne, continues her story of finding purpose from the pain of a marriage tainted with alcoholism and narcissism.

If you’re living in pain and asking “why me?”, be inspired by DrAhne’s story. Your pain will not be a waste. There is hope for your brighter future.

 

References in this episode

Christian Men who Hate Women: Healing Hurting Relationships by Dr. Margaret J. Rinck

Trauma Recovery Journal by Trudy Gilbert-Eliot PhD LMFT LCADC

Website https://www.drahne.com/about

Instagram https://www.instagram.com/dr_ahne/

 

Please DM me on Instagram or Facebook @judithobatusa to let me know what you thought of this episode.

If you'll love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here to let me know.  

Podcast Music Credit:  https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

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Thank you so much for listening.

Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

This is Messy Can’t Stop Her. I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa-JKO.

JKO:       Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women's resilience through chaos, crisis and the challenges of life. Last week we had Dr. Anne Burnley begin to share her story of domestic violence and how it impacted her life and put her on the punishment. 

Anne Burnley. The Amazing Doctor Anne is a combat veteran of the United States Army, a physician, an equity, diversity and inclusion consultant and a women's empowerment speaker. She runs the Woman of GRIT program, where she has developed a framework to help women with their personal Growth and to Renew their mindset through Introspection, leading to a Transformation of their life into their very best self. In the part one of her episode, which was last week, she began her story. This week we're going to continue to see how getting a therapist made a whole lot of difference in her life and how she surmounted the odds of judgment from her faith and diasporic community to find purpose through Therapy, learning and other supports. Let's get into this week's episode.

DrAhne:               And even more significant, Judith, I found a therapist. He's in Australia. My therapist is in Australia. It was a referral through my sister. He just happens to be my sister's mentor. My sister is studying psychotherapy and she's really interested in trauma. In one session with him, I made so much progress because what he did, basically during the session, he got enough information from me about that person. So he triggered me. He triggered me, and he said, now you need to say what you have not said all these years. Oh, my gosh. I was crying and I was cussing. And after that one hour session, it's like a weight lifted off of me. Initially, I was skeptical. I'm like, he's a man. But he literally took me from point A. He moved me along that path to healing, just acknowledging the pain. And he said, you have to feel. You buried so much in there. You have to let it out. You have to feel it. You have to acknowledge it for you to get past it. You have to let all those feelings, all that pain that you push down to survive, you have to release it to thrive. So just the personal growth, just having to shift the way my thinking, my mindset had to change. I had to stop the negative self talk affirmations, even when I did not believe it. My writing is faith it till you make it. Faith it till you make it. Even when the stuff was saying wasn't really resonating with me, I just kept doing it anyway. And then I just had to do a really deep soul searching dive, looking within. And it was that whole period of introspection asking, why me? That I finally had to admit that that was my why I had gone through that struggle to find my compelling purpose. And that's when I developed my framework. Woman of G.R.I.T, where the G stands for Growth or personal growth. The R is for Renewed thinking or renewed mindset, getting rid of those negative self talk and replacing them with positive affirmations. The I, for me, I feel like it was the most important piece of it because it's that Introspection, that self reflection, just doing that hard soul work. It's almost like when I got out of that relationship, I was like a Caterpillar that hatched out of an egg, and it just crawled out of that relationship. Like a Caterpillar has to eat and eat and eat and molt and eat and molt before it goes into the cocoon. And for me, that symbolized the knowledge that I was consuming. Molting, a Caterpillar has to molt. As it gets bigger, the exoskeleton gets too tight. So it'll shed that skin, and then it'll keep eating and growing. That is, for me, the renewal of my thinking. And the cocoon stage, that was my introspection. The Caterpillar goes into the cocoon, the crysalis, and it is broken down. The Caterpillar’s body doesn't transform into a butterfly, it literally gets broken down. And then the butterfly emerges from that. And so for me, it just was similar where I had to go inside of me. I had to do the soul work that it took. My cocoon stage really was important for me. And it was inside of that stage, my introspection, that I found my compelling purpose. And so what that beautiful butterfly that emerges, that T is for the transformation. You have the Growth, the personal growth, the Renewed thinking or mindset, the Introspection, self reflection, and then the T, the Transformation. You have that butterfly emerging from that cocoon. Okay, it doesn't just sit there. it spreads its beautiful wings and it flies. So my transformation is not over yet. I am still a work in progress. But my purpose, that transformation, not only was my life transformed, that transformation also stands for transforming the lives of women. So I'm a woman of Grit. The meaning of the word grit is courage and mental toughness. So it's kind of dual grit. All of us have an innate grit. Women. Oh, my gosh. It's in there. It's in there. I lost it. I lost my way. But once I found, my grit started emerging, started awakening that night in that car, it was dormant. And when I could harness that innate grit to find that voice, my authentic voice, I was able to reclaim my power as a woman, as a mother, as a physician, (JKO: Wow) so I could inspire, motivate, and empower other women who are struggling. You see, struggle is a prerequisite to growth. You see, struggle is a prerequisite to growth. So if there are women out there who are struggling, regardless of what your particular struggle is, you're already a work in progress. I mean literally, the process has already begun. Struggle stretches you. Struggle challenges you, and struggle grows you. The process that I use is what I've captured in the G.R.I.T framework. You have to do the work. You have to work on yourself. I really had to understand what took me so long, because I had the knowledge. I had the knowledge in my head. It didn't make it to my heart. My heart kept me in there. 

JKO:       What took you so long? That question is that thing they keep asking us, why did she not leave? (DrAhne: I will tell you.) Tell me that.

DrAhne:               I will tell you what kept me there. One the type of woman that I am. High functioning women, we don't accept failure. No, we don't throw in the towel. I made it through medical school. I made good news. (JKO: It's a challenge.) And I'm not throwing in the towel. I'm going to work hard. I'm not accepting defeat. (JKO: Mba. No way.) Yes. So that definitely was a factor. The community also. I think the part of me that belongs to a community, and I was comfortable in my position in that community as a wife. And so then that would be rocking the boat also. And definitely, however toxic it was, there was affection. So all those things but I think the most important one was accepting at that time, I thought defeat or failure. I embarked on a task and I failed at it. But that was my kind of thinking back then. And the fear for me was staying in, leaving was actually the success. Staying in was the failure. So finally I just said, you know what? I think more for my son than even for me because I had been living that life for a really long time. And I just said, you know what? I cannot let my son grow up in this environment. He did not ask to be here. I'm an adult. I can make those decisions for myself. If I decide to stay in a toxic relationship, that's my choice. I do not get to make that choice for my minor child. I grew up in a loving home. He deserves to be in a home where there isn't that chaos of alcohol infused chaos. He deserves better.

JKO:       When you talk about community? Is it the faith community and the cultural community? Because your diasporic community, being an immigrant. So was it both or just the diasporic? 

DrAhne:               Both. Absolutely both. Wait. And with the religious community, with the Church community, I felt trapped. I felt like this relationship had to work at all cost. The Christian thing to do. What is it? Love is long suffering, that was that religious piece of it. But then the Diaspora also. And it's quite fascinating. Out of that community of people, I maintain one couple. That was it. It was as if the rest, kind of just evaporated. 

JKO:       So did you ever share your challenges with this community before you separated? What did they do? 

DrAhne:               Absolutely. I'll tell you this. There was an incident where my son wasn't with me. We'd gone out, and as usual, I didn't want to fight for the keys. I didn't want to argue. And I got in the car and I just stayed as quiet as I could. Literally, I would slow down my breathing. I felt like if he couldn't hear me breathe, he would leave me alone. But he started driving. I guess he was trying to get a rise out of me. And he started driving erratically and fast. And I said, Slow down and boom, the dam burst. And it was just verbal assault. Just verbal. Verbal. Verbal. To the point where I started having a panic attack. I didn't even realize. All I knew is that I felt like if I did not get out of that car, I would die. I mean, literally in my head. I felt like I was dying inside. And I said, Please stop the car. Stop the car. Stop the car. Let me out. The car just became just this, I just had to get out. And he slowed down. He stopped. I opened the door, I'd taken off my shoes, and I stepped out with my right foot. And as I swiveled around to step out with my right foot, he left. And boom, I fell out of the car. And I came to, and I was lying on the ground looking up at the sky, at the stars. I don't think I was out for long or anything, but I picked myself up, and I walked barefoot the rest of the way home. I shared this with a friend because it really disturbed me because I did not understand what was going on. I said, you know, I know I wasn't trying to kill myself. I know that much because that would be the last thing I want to do, with my young son. So I couldn't understand at that time. I mean, I'm a physician, but I didn't even recognize what was going on. A lot of times when we’ll be having our arguments, I realized that I couldn't talk because my mouth got so dry, my tongue would be stuck in my mouth. I mean, literally, I was just having… it was anxiety. And I tried to understand what it was. And when I mentioned it to a really good friend, they kind of looked at me a little strange. I don't think they kind of understood, or maybe they were overwhelmed by it. I shared it because it bothered me that I could have possibly not cared enough about myself. I just had to get out, I had to get out of the car. And that really bothered me for a while. And you know what? I think a lot of times the people around us don't know what to do. It's like there's almost like a discomfort when you share this stuff. It’s like they don't know what to say. Because I don't know what I would have done for a friend. I think. I don't know. It's just like she just didn't quite understand what I was trying to communicate to her. I mean, I let it go. But she caught his wrath later, and she came back to me and she said, she was sorry. I don't know if …that she didn't believe me. But, you know, you know, the type that are manipulative. The person you see is not what is seen. Almost like a narcissist. Because narcissists protect their image to such a degree that people on the outside start thinking that there's something wrong with you. Because the person that you are talking about is not the person that they experience. So I think after she had that run in with him, she came back to me. And she really was so sorry. She said, I just did not even understand. She said, I couldn't put the picture. It was as if she couldn't reconcile what I was telling her with the person that she thought she knew. 

JKO:       She became the target, then she experienced him for herself. There's a book I read decades ago called Christian Men Who Hate Women. In Church, they are Angels. So when their wife comes to Church to talk about the abuse she's getting, nobody believes her. Yes. In another space, that man is an angel. (DrAhne: Yeah, absolutely.) There's something about this story. You talk about alcohol, but when he's drunk, he doesn't go about slapping other people. It's only you that he yells and screams at. He's still trying. When he's drunk, he laughs outside, he's joking, he's dancing. Domestic violence advocates will tell you or experts, people in that industry will tell you that. That's why it's not an excuse, because when they are drunk, they don't harass other people. And if they are taking drugs, they don't beat up everybody around him. It's only their wife. (DrAhne: Right.) So it's not an excuse for his craziness, his behavior. So we find that people who drink, smoke, whatever it is, they are bad so called, bad habits is they don't do this craziness in other places. (DrAhne: Right.) They just do it to the wife, to the one who loves them to be. So just in case anybody's listening and questioning. Yeah. In this case, there was alcohol involved. But I have had cases where there's nothing no alcohol, no drugs, just cruelty. (DrAhne: Right.) And these people are charming souls to everyone but the woman who loves them and to the children that she has for them. 

DrAhne:               Absolutely. You know what this man asked me one day in that instance, he wasn't drunk. We're sitting in the living room and he's eating and I'm breathing. And he says one of his female friends has asked him to father their child. And I'm like, what? Why are you telling me this? Do you need my help? Like, do I need to hold something? Like, who does that? It was like about a month after I had my hysterectomy. I'm like, who does that? Who does that? It was the kind of situation where you're like, did I hear what I just heard? Or is my mind playing tricks on me? Yeah. There was a level of cruelty. There was a level of cruelty. 

JKO:       Yeah. They don't do it because you deserve it. They do it because they’re cruel people and that's why staying with them means and if you have children, the children learn the cruelty of their father. It's easier to learn what is wrong than what is right. So exposing our kids to men, fathers who show these examples, it's not in the best interest of the woman. Like I always say, after you've been abused by the dad, you'd be abused by the children because you let the children learn the abuse from them. So if you're in that situation, it would be wise to get some support, to get yourself out of that situation. Luckily for DrAhne and myself, we live in this part of the world where abuse is not tolerated, where support is available for everyone in that situation. One of the things that DrAhne has shared with us is how much acquisition of knowledge, reading, listening to podcasts, listening to TED Talks, YouTube videos, how much that helped her come out of the situation. Because the truth is, even when you leave the environment, you carry the memories. (DrAhne: Absolutely.) And the only way to extricate yourself, to untangle yourself from these ropes that keep you bound, is to replace those negatives that you have absorbed into every fiber of your being with something positive. Answers Doctor Anne's program, the G.R.I.T Program, introspection is something that I've begun to appreciate more than ever before. Because I realized that no matter how many therapists you go to, if you don't do the work that you do, if you don't do your part, therapy will be a waste. I'm just getting to that part in my life now where introspection for someone like me, I'm scared of thinking. I'm scared of thinking deep because it brings up negative emotions. But like Anne's therapist, he triggered her. You have to get to the place where you allow yourself through your thinking, through introspection, to be triggered by your past. Those things that make you scared. Face your fears. If you don't face them, you won't surmount them. That's what Anne has done.

DrAhne:               You know, this is one of the really the first times I'm talking about the story that I did not break down into tears. And that is an indication of the healing process, the healing that is going on inside of me. I just got a new Journal, it's called the Trauma Journal. And I'm really looking forward to start journaling because that's one of the things that you can also do. Journaling is part of that growth process. Just trying new things. I just have to say I am really excited as I'm building this program. I just cannot wait for my website to be done. And I can start offering this to women all over. I'm just really excited moving forward. But remember how hard I fought against doing this. I just didn't want to touch it. 

JKO:       It's the story of so many because you had a burden of shame, that burden of failure, feeling like you failed. 

DrAhne:               Like I should have known better. 

JKO:       We come from failing like a failure to feeling like I'm a doctor. Right. I went to combat, what's all this? Blaming yourself. But you've come through all that so that others who are in this station can be helped by you. So where can people find you? 

DrAhne:               Yes, with the work I do, I am on Instagram @Dr_, A as in Apple, H as in Henry, N as in Nancy, E as in Echo. So @DrAhne. I will be also available on TikTok, eventually YouTube. It'll all be some variation of the DrAhne. I am kind of intentionally building the program right now. I'm in the process of writing a book that will evolve into a course, hopefully a podcast, hopefully I can have retreats where I can talk to women, share my story to empower them, but also bring other speakers with experience, especially in the psychology piece of it. And I just want women to do well. You know, I was talking in an earlier interview today, I said, even though I'm a women's empowerment speaker, by virtue of that, I'm also a men's empowerment speaker. Because women raise these men, they have mothers. Empowered woman, a woman who uses her authentic voice, a woman who does the work with the personal growth, renews her thinking, and just does that self reflection and is transformed, I strongly believe that she excels. It affects every facet of her life, her professional life, her personal life, her life as a mother. There's that saying that you educate a woman and you educate, is it a village? Because that's the way I feel. Like women who find their authentic voice and reclaim their power will raise kids who ascribe to that kind of thinking. 

JKO:       Yeah, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. And most women are the ones rocking those cradles. That's right. Inspiring women is a very laudable venture and contacts for DrAhne will be in the show notes. So if you're driving while listening to this podcast, you don't have to stress on it, you will see them in the show notes. So you can contact her directly. She can speak at your events. Not only is she a woman empowerment speaker, she's a diversity and inclusion, equity, diversity and inclusion speaker as well. She's a consultant on that as well. Because the truth is that all these things tied together, you see when they talk about Black Lives Matter, I'm a Black woman. What Black Lives Matter is talking about is people using their privilege to dominate others, to create systems that disempower the other person because they are Black. But isn't that what they are doing in domestic violence? They create systems that don't give a woman a voice. They create systems that make her not reach her full potential. So as we talk about racism, the same voice I'm using to talk about racism is the same voice, I'm talking about domestic talents. And just for the record, if you're listening to this because you're listening as a podcast, you cannot see us on YouTube, I want you to know that both of us are Black women, and this man we're talking about is a Black man and I have my own Black man experience. And we are the ones who talk about racism. But among our people, we are doing this damage to our next generation because the children who see this stuff, they are more prone to racist trouble because they don't have it together. So if you're a Black woman in this situation, I'm going to speak to you directly. If you're in the mess of a relationship, I know our people do not advocate for us to leave marriages that are not working. Many of us that are Christians or we are very strong in the faith. We always feel like it's a failure. We failed God. But I want you to know something. The Bible says that God hates divorce. But do you know what? God loves us more than he hates divorce. So if you are in a situation that's a mess, there are many supports. In fact, even the faith community is changing. So find a place where you will be supported. And I want you to know Messy can't stop you. Messy didn't stop Doctor Anne. Messy hasn't stopped me. My story is a whole bag of mess, but it hasn't stopped me. So it won't stop you. So Dr. Anne, before you leave us today, I have many questions I would love to ask. I'm going to be waiting for when you launch your book, cause I would love to have you back on the podcast when your book is ready. Right now, the program is available if you need it. So check the show notes and you can approach her for how she can come to your office, come to your Church, come to your community group to give a talk on The Woman of G.R.I.T.

DrAhne:               Absolutely. 

JKO:       When she's ready, we want to have you back on the podcast to tell us more about how far you've come. But because we always want one for the road, please give us a word for that woman who is listening, who is in a messy situation. 

DrAhne:               I'm going to say, especially if your children are involved, you are also thinking about the next generation. One of the things I really worried about was for my son to see me in this situation and think it was okay. I did not want to talk about generational curses. I did not want that to go down into the next generation. I know it is hard because look at me. I have the finances. I had a car. I could get a house on my own. But I still stayed 18 years. So I'm not saying it is easy, but you cannot change another person as hard as you try. That person has to be willing to change. And there was one thing I learned early in a relationship. I never did ultimatums because the kind of person I was with, he would use that ultimatum to kind of smack you in the face with it. So you have to make the right decision for you. You should not feel like taking your own life in the context of any relationship if you are so emotionally damaged. One of the things that protected me was that my mother was still alive and I knew my heart. Even when that thought crossed my mind, I said, I cannot do this to my mother. I just can't do this to my mother. So for me, that was protective for me, my mother, I said, I cannot do this to this woman. But when a healthy relationship, you shouldn't be thinking of ending your life to ease the pain. There is always a way. Just reach out and get some help. We're embarrassed a lot of times. We don't want people to know our business. It took me long enough. 18 years. Year five, I should have known. I knew at year five, but I put in almost 15 more years. So just find that one friend, go into the community, find some help to help extricate you from the situation in which you find yourself. Thinking of dying, thinking of hurting yourself is never okay. It's never okay. There's something wrong. That is not a healthy relationship at all. That's not a healthy relationship. 

JKO:       Thank you so much, DrAhne. That is so good. I thank you for putting it that way. When you get to the point in a relationship, when you now begin to think of taking your own life or harming yourself in one form or the other or starting bad habits that you never did before because you want to escape from your relationship, it's a sign that you need to run for the door and go for help. 

DrAhne:               You can't fix him. I want to fix them. Women we’re fixers. We want to put it back together. You can't fix it. You can't fix it. That person has to make the change for themselves. You can't do it. And it's not a failure. It's not a failure. For a long time I thought I was a failure because that did not work out. But that's the furthest thing from the truth because I realized I can only change myself. I can't change anybody else. And once I understood that I was okay, I forgive myself. I've really said I forgive. You have to forgive yourself to move forward. 

JKO:       And here you are, woman of G.R.I.T. 

DrAhne:               Woman of G.R.I.T. Hear my voice. 

JKO:       Yes. I'm going to put the picture she shared her ten year difference. So that when you're listening to the story, when she's talking about the transformation, you can see the difference. So it's not just words. So I just want to say thank you, DrAhne, and for your presence, for your words, for your purpose. You have now stepped into your purpose for saying yes to purpose. We thank you for always saying yes.

DrAhne:               I’ll always say yes to you, Judith. Always. I'm honored that you thought of me. And it's been wonderful speaking with you. And I'm just sharing this messy part of my life that I kept hidden for so long. People look at me thinking, I have it all together. I didn't always have it all together. So to encourage other women out there. So, yeah, even if I help even one woman, I think I've already started fulfilling my purpose. 

JKO:       You have actually. You have touched my life with your love, with your kindness, with your generosity, with your being so unassuming, always ready to step up to help another person, another woman. You are just an amazing person and you know that I'm saying this from my heart. This is what I really feel about you. You're very helpful. She is a very helpful woman. I'm so glad that the toxic relationship didn't change her because it does that to some people. 

So if you're a woman listening to this podcast and you're in that messy space in life and it seems that there's no way, there's no hope, Anne had that situation too, but eventually things turned for the better. I want to thank you for listening to this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her and if you have a story to share, in the show notes, you will see a link for you to fill out a form to be part of this movement to encourage other women to remind them that Messy can’t stop them. Have a great week! Take care and bye-bye.