From Full Time to Odd Jobs: Sonia Navigates the mental health and substance abuse system to get help for her son

From a full time job to odd jobs, Sonia had to choose because helping her struggling son without the help of their father became her full time endeavour.

Faced with the formidable duo of mental health and substance use challenges, Sonia shares how her sacrifice paid off.

As Meryl Streep said, motherhood reduces everything to essentials. 

References in this episode

Mother to the Rescue: Sonia tells us how she saved her son from the addiction triggered by emotional abuse Part one of Sonia’s story

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Transcript

JKO:       I love how our challenges, I mean, helps us to learn so much. This is your self care. Something I have struggled with. People kept telling me self care, so I didn't get it. I don't know. But I realized that as I began to think about taking care of myself and start taking care of myself, I am better able to handle the challenges that life is throwing especially in the area of children and my home and generally life in general. So taking care of ourselves and it's not about going to expensive resorts and all of that. 

Sonia:   Cream on your face, put something for one minute, start with that. But it's very very important. 

JKO:       That's why I have red lipstick. It's part of my self care. 

Sonia:   No, absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. People think that they have to go, oh, I need to go to a spa, but I cannot afford it. I need to go to psychologist, but I cannot afford it. No, do what you can afford. I cannot do exercises. The treadmill is not for me. But calming, the meditation, bath, physical self care. Dress up and put the lips. That's all it means. (JKO: Thank you so much.) Not just the sweatpants, put earrings on. See? Simple. Very simple. 

JKO:       So how long were you in the marriage? 

Sonia:   Twelve years. 

JKO:       Twelve years? But it took you two years? That's correct. To make up you. This is so amazing. Yes. If you're listening, this is true. People don't just get up and say I'm going pack my load. They are already thinking about it. Some people, something triggers them to eventually say, you know what, I'm done. But prior to that trigger, they were already mulling over “Am I going to continue my life like this?” Thank you for sharing that. So you left the relationship with no job, (Sonia: nothing) but you had a little bit of support from your friends and you were able to. How did you get your first house? The first house you lived with the kids when you left?

Sonia:   I actually managed to have him out of the house we were renting and he left. I was lucky that way. I was lucky that way that I stayed in my place. And because there was no physical abuse, I was never afraid. I was always peaceful with him because I was never fearful of anything. I knew that deeply inside. He has a good heart.

JKO:       He left the house. How did you continue? How did you get the rent and all of that?

Sonia:   Yes, I was lucky that financially he was helping, not supporting fully. But because I had to change my mindset as well and being diplomatic, I figured out that I'm not going to get anywhere by arguing and quarreling. Even though I decided to be peaceful and be placid and be nonconfrontational and be firm and not quarrel and that way. Even though I was provoked, I was provoked 24/7 into quarreling. And that's another thing not to let the provoking get into you. Be strong, be fair and be calm. Don't cry. Don't be dramatic because they do not care. They will not have empathy if you are crying. I was born and I was very placid. And that way I was able to stay in the same place and I was able to get some support for rent and food. 

JKO:       Awesome!

Sonia:   Yes. And after that, I got stronger and stronger and stronger financially and emotional course. But then the emotional abuse was my children were experiencing PTSD from that's when I had to make a decision to put my children first. I was already semi strong, but I wasn't strong enough to handle my PTSD from my previous domestic violence. And now my child suffering from PTSD and substance abuse, I wasn't strong enough to handle all of it. I had to get additional stuff to handle and help my child, because the system of support for you is completely broken. 

JKO:       So you're talking about the children having PTSD. How did PTSD show up in the children? How did they show that PTSD in the way they behaved? 

Sonia:   Okay, it is very subtle, okay? That's why it's very important to connect with children. Lucky for me, because I am placid by nature, I am not the person who quarrels and being dramatic, and I'm more of, if I focus. If I focus, I have a pathway and I just plow through. But during that process, I communicate calmly. So I developed. I've always had a good relationship with my children, but I became a little bit because at the beginning, I was sheltering them. Meaning, if I had some problems dealing with domestic mental abuse, I would leave, go grocery shopping, tears rolling my eyes. I would come home, make dinner, everybody was happy. But children could feel it. And they told me years after that that they remember the incidents, that I was sheltering them, but they were still aware of everything. That made huge change of mindset, and I became very open with them. I would come from work and I would sit, and I said, there's nothing I can do for today. Food is in the fridge. They will make yourself sandwich. I always make sure there is a food in the fridge, but they can make something to eat. Or I always cook. I provide healthy meals. I don't buy frozen dinners. We don't eat junk. So me providing healthy, balanced diet, that is also important for the mental well being, because the junk food and frozen food is not very good nutrition for anybody. But cooking proper meals and having children with a balanced diet took a lot of energy from me. So I made sure there is a food in a fridge that they can make something, not a frozen dinner, but there is something that they can make. Even the grilled cheese sandwich, have some veggies with them instead of just providing them or sending them doughnuts or providing them frozen dinner. I made sure there's a food so they can, you know, a little bit more nutritious value. Always. Basics were always no matter how tired I was, the basics were always at home, yogurt, milk, bread, basics that they can just whip something fresh and nutritious with themselves. And I showed them that I am not a hero, unbroken and I can move the mountains, that I'm also a human being. And I would tell them, I am meditating now. I need space so they do not walk in. I live in two bedroom apartment and there are three of us. Okay? Because of the financial situation, I sleep in the living room. That has also a huge impact on me because I sleep in the middle of everything. So we all had to learn. And me being very open with children, I would tell them calmly saying I'm not having a good day today. I just need a lot of space. Or if I am meditating or I am on Zoom, please, I need space. Or I would text them, I will be meditating when you come home, just quietly don't storm in a living room. When I'm going in a bath that's putting myself first. I'm going in the bath. I tell my children, No, I'm going in a bath. It's my time. Do you need a bathroom? Use it now. Don't interrupt me when I am having my self care. Don't knock on the bathroom during my bath because you need to use the bathroom. I plan, I tell them what my self care is. And all of us communicate that way. We all tell each other we have in a small place saying I am having important phone call. Don't just walk in my room or I'm doing homework, or I am having a bath. Use the bathroom before I go in. That way, if we have to get ready in the morning, all of us, at the same time, that's the lineup to the bathroom. Bathroom is for quick, not putting makeup on. So we learn all of us, we learn to respect each other privacy only because I prove to them that I'm not a hero. I'm a human being that can break any time. And they are human beings. They don't have to hold anything inside. They can express how they feel. So they were struggling. They were quietly crying, right? I was trying to balance it all. But then when substance abuse in my child became more visible, when I overlooked at the beginning because I was too busy working and provided, I realized, okay, everything goes and stop including my full time job. And my child is first. I would explain to my children saying I have important phone call from ministry, for example, or give me space. Still, until now, if there are important phone calls I would take my private space so they don't listen because they also worry about me. They worry about each other. We work very well, both my children. We are very balanced. We worry about the children just take that worry and unnecessary listening to me, talking to ministry, just getting that worry off their heads. They can wake up and have a shower and sleep in. So usually conversation with authorities and getting help with my children are done in private where I can speak freely and they don’t listen and worry about what I'm going through. As much as I try to shelter them, they know how the broken system of support for you is. My child verbally expressed in the hospital. How unfair it is for my mom, for their mom to go in circles and fight the system because you in a hospital do not provide the proper support. My child was advocating for me only because I was open about it. But I wasn't frustrated by me. Am calm by nature. I wasn't frustrating saying why are they so broken? I'm going in circles crying no, I was calm and made a phone call. I put my phone notifications off because I was getting too many phone calls unless because my job was also with the phone in my hand. So when I had an important phone call or intake, then I put my notifications on and I told everybody at home I'm expecting a phone call so don't run around because my space is small. Don't interrupt and ask me questions. Oh, sorry, I didn't know you are on the phone. That's how I prepare them if I have important phone call that I cannot miss. So we are all in sync. We are all working together. But it's all began with getting help myself first. 

JKO:       Okay? So I want to ask you a question just before we continue. So when you left your full time job, how did that impact you? How did you cope? 

Sonia:   I didn't have to cope. It was a decision I was happy about. How did you pay your rent? I was on the eye because it wasn't just my decision, it was agreement at work at work they supported me what we are going through. They knew what I am going through. So it was a mutual agreement I started getting because I am office admin, I was able to find because of my skills. No matter if because of covered business is closed but businesses need people like myself. Businesses were running behind this, right? People were doing income taxes and filing taxes and doing inventory and that's what businesses needed to go in and do the job to help. Because many businesses they don't like to deal with the paperwork and that's where I come handy. Organize everything and let the business run. In order to survive financially, I was getting odd jobs just to survive and I was getting any jobs. I even cleaned. I even took janitorial job, anything to make money. 

JKO:       But you made sure that the hours you monitored your hours. 

Sonia:   Now no more full time. So like casual jobs, jobs, odd jobs. Yeah, those jobs. I only took the job that I was able to manage situation at home. I wouldn't take a job where I had to commute for an hour and a half with my mouth. I chose the jobs that fit my schedule. So those were not dream jobs, because dream jobs require more of my time. Those were the jobs that provided income for my family, myself, my children, emotionally and financially. Those jobs were and still are variety. I would go to retail. I even did janitorial jobs because they were next door. Doesn't cost me anything. I don't have to dress up and pay for gas. I go, I clean, I come home. It doesn't matter what my education is. I have a university degree. It doesn't matter what my education is. It doesn't matter what clothes I wear. I needed to provide with my family. 

JKO:       And you put your children first. Yes, it was for your children. 

Sonia:   For children and for myself. So again, myself first. So I have to make sure I have enough money to support the children. I have to be calm not to commute for an hour and a half. One way to work. So again, my self care first, children second. Right? So I didn't look at I have a university degree. Why am I claiming it doesn't matter? My life turned out this way. I need to support my family and I happily took any job I could and I'm still doing the same thing. Time will come and that's why I am strong. I came out of this it took very long time, but there are steps that I did because I was able to. The number one is to stay focused and calm and do not quarrel, not to be very verbally, emotionally, up and down focused. I'm not saying I'm completely right. I cried, I stayed up all night, I stopped eating, I was running around. I'm not that strong, but that's a process. 

JKO:       Yeah. Let's talk about the steps that you took. Let's talk about that at the end. I want to ask you some other questions because those steps are going to be very important tips for other people who are listening. So you talked about the fact that there was a lack of connectedness in the support system. So you discovered when the school started letting you know that your child was going through mental health crisis along with substance abuse, a terrible duo. Because as you earlier explained at the beginning of our conversation, you talked about the fact that these two things are serious, but there is no one way to get both, to get both solved. So there are two different paths to take for both. Now, you had to wait into that system and get help for your son. So give us a little story, some of the experiences you had in trying to get help for your son in this system that is not connected and how you were able to surmount it. You have told us one of them was keeping track. 

Sonia:   Yes. So, as I mentioned before, as I mentioned earlier, mental health itself, there is a medical profession. Substance abuse by itself is again, rehab, detox support system, but both combined with explosive duo. Number one, what helped me is staying calm and working with authorities. Okay? So I always working with authorities, meaning I am here to work with you. I never went to school saying you have to do this and this with my child because they are professionals, and they will find a way to deal with my child. Because children at school, children at home are different personalities. I always said my first thing people school year saying I work with you, let me know if there is an issue and let's work with that. Because the providers, their hands are tied as well, because they are part of the system. The teachers’ hands are tied because above them they have a district and principal, the councillors are tied because they have the government regulations. So me storming is not going to work because those are the people who are trying the best to work in a broken system. Their hands are tied. So I mentioned the school, the police, everything comes from the different government regulations as well as the private sector. So, number one, organization. And so in every support system, there are people who are human beings, right? Busy, forgetful not keeping promises, but there are people who may take an extra mile to help you. So I searched for those people, but at the same time, I did it calmly not saying this, for example, s..t, I'm not going to call them and it didn't work. No. To go in circles, if entering through the door doesn't work, go through the window or back door, but go back and revisit certain issues. Because I notice even like people post question online saying I've exhausted my resources with Fraser Health. No there are resources, but it's not one phone call, it's going over and over and over, but having notes and provide them with a date saying last year in November 11 at 09:00 A.m., I spoke with Samantha who told me this and this, okay, there is a help, but you have to be not falling apart. So I found those good people from certain organization and I wrote everything down that I kept revisiting over and over to trying to find a pathway, how to navigate, what to avoid, but what to pursue again. So my advice is don't make one phone call and you will get a grumpy receptionist and you say, I'm done. Don't give up, don't give up. Do not be aggressive to any of the service providers because their hands are tied, they are underfunded, overwhelmed. Most of them are aware of the situation of a substance abuse in adults and youth and children. Their hands are tight, the budget is cut, they are facing layoffs. So don't expect them to completely come to your home and sit down and have a coffee with them. They are overwhelmed as well as you are overwhelmed as a parent. Navigate and work with authorities and medical professional professionals. So what I found is what I had to learn is that mental health and flattening abuse go together, but they cannot be treated as one. First, the substance abuse is treated first and mental health after. Okay? It cannot be treated together because mental health assessment by the psychiatrist or GP is not accurate when child is using substance. Yes, there are some instances when people say, oh yeah, I went to psychiatrist, my child is on medication. That assessment is not accurate as long as the youth is using substance, not opening up honestly. And they don't open up, they’re youth. They don't know, they don't know how, they think they are adults, the medical profession and my GP or psychiatrist cannot evaluate, but they think they can and they prescribe medication. So I had learned that and I was asking, I said, okay, but in the meantime, what if there is an overdose? While I'm waiting for psychiatry. Yes, that is unfortunately the process. The youth has to be completely out of any substance, doesn't matter. Like my child wasn't heavily right, but the child even has to be off marijuana to be properly assessed and constant visits with psychiatrists to deal with mental health. And that is tragic because the waiting period can be, I was told, for example, any support for the substance abuse, there has to be an intake. It means individually speaking with a parent and individually speaking with the youth without the parent. I went through intakes with flying colors, but my child did not because the first thing they say is, are you aware that your decision is voluntary? When they hear that, say, are you sure it's voluntary? So it means I don't have to go to counselling, you don't have to go. They say that is your voluntarily. Then my child said, well, if it's voluntary, then no, thank you. And with C YMH, okay, I had three intakes. I didn't give up, okay? I had three. I went through and they called me, they say, your child said no. I went again six months later and again, it does take years. Okay? Again, the same thing. They had me on the file, had me on the file. I went through intake. Flying colours, Qualified or psychiatric or support psychologist? My child said again, voluntary? no. But the third time, okay, when my child saw how broken the system is, I try to realize that he needs help. And when I told him it's voluntary and it's up to him to say yes, there's nothing I can do. My child said yes, okay? And we had an appointment together with my child who openly spoke about how broken the system is. Why is my mom running in circles? But by that time, my child matured and didn't say no, okay. He got in into a mental, a visit with a psychiatrist. There's a shortage of psychiatrists. There's no way the youth can get a proper psychiatric care. I was able to get one Zoom visit with psychiatrist. That's it. How that Psychiatrist to a Zoom visit can assess my child. Not possible. So to get continuous psychiatric evaluation, we have to go to Children Youth and Mental Health (CYMH). I cannot go to Children Youth and Mental Health as long as my child uses substance. So three intakes find them. My child says yes, but they say, okay, file is open. We have to wait until you are completely clear of substance. It could be a year, two or three. And the child has to say yes. Luckily, my child said, okay, keep the file open. I'm going to because the CYMH, I don't remember. I have it in my notes, but I'm not quite I think it's under ministry because again, it's something that's on the Fraser Health and ministry, they don't communicate right. So file to support for mental health because my child developed strong anxiety and that's how it all started to cope with PTSD and anxiety, my child use substance to calm and cope, right, started with a substance. So we are not getting into medications at this point because that's how it originally started. So I agree with my GP. My child needs tools to cope, not a pill to cope with PTSD, with anxiety, because my child hasn't been diagnosed, because most still at that point on a substance. So luckily for me, because I'm doing everything, my child said, yes, I am going to continue with the substance abuse. And then we come back to search to begin searching again for help with mental health. And I was told openly, it can take a year easily. It's a year or more before we go back to that was all in the before we went back to get help with mental health. So journey with the substance abuse at the beginning, okay? During that journey, I was lucky to connect with one provider, with one counselor that my child connected with, because there's another I can connect. I found great people, but one phone call with my child is like, no, I don't like her attitude. Right. So you have to find something that works for your child, not for you. Right? So that's another problem in this journey, right? Another more blocks in that pathway. So luckily I found because that's my youth connected and wait for facility or detox or because my youth knows, but we have to wait until it's 100% from the mental department for the youth to go back to. So it's a lot of roadblocks, a lot that I, as a parent and everything is confidential. I have no information what my child is going through. So my child can be saying that I abused them or I don't know what. I will not be contacted about it. That will not be addressed. I went to the hospital once because I had to go for a day. I left my youth went to school, they are young with my friend. I connected everywhere that I will be for a day in a hospital. This is the person who is in charge of my kids in case of emergency. And the father of the children is aware that I am in a hospital. Two people with phones in their hand ready to answer any emergency to my children in the hospital. I also said my children are there's an emergency contact to my friend. Everything is organized on my end. And a couple of weeks later I got a phone call from Ministry that they will visit my home for interview because I left my children unattended. 

JKO:       How old were they at the time?

Sonia:   They were 18 and 16 at that time.