Messy Can't Stop Her

Self Care First: Sonia shares her encounters with trouble, racism & practical tips for self care

July 21, 2022 Judith Kambia Obatusa (JKO)/SoniaPseudonym Season 2 Episode 14
Messy Can't Stop Her
Self Care First: Sonia shares her encounters with trouble, racism & practical tips for self care
Show Notes Transcript

Sonia continues part three of her story by showing us that sometimes your best laid plans can still get you in trouble. She also delves a little into her personal experience of the added layer for the struggling Black child. She then shares practical self care tips that one can practice with little or no money and even when experiencing the impact of domestic violence. 

Sonia’s promotion of self care for mothers aligns with Dr. Laura Markham, Clinical Psychologist and Founder of Aha! Parenting’s words - your most valuable parenting skill is learning to manage yourself first

References in this episode

Mother to the Rescue: Sonia tells us how she saved her son from the addiction triggered by emotional abuse Part one of Sonia’s story

From Full Time to Odd Jobs: Sonia Navigates the mental health and substance abuse system to get help for her son Part two of Sonia’s story

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Podcast Music Credit:  https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

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Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

This is Messy Can't Stop Her. And I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa- JKO. 

Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women's resilience through chaos, crisis and the challenges of life. 

Before we get into today's episode, I just want to first of all say thank you to my listeners and to everyone who is sending me DMs and giving me comments about the episodes. I want to appreciate you for listening. I want to appreciate you for supporting the podcast and especially supporting the messages that we are sending out about domestic violence awareness and prevention. If we can make one family stronger, make one woman stronger, give one child a better opportunity because mom and dad are relating better, it will make a whole lot of difference because they say the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. And that's why this podcast is about women. It's about sharing women's stories of residence because strong mothers will be able to raise strong children. 

So in the last two episodes, we have been talking to Sonia, an emotional abuse survivor, who, when she left the domestic violence situation, did not know that the impact does not stay where you left it, but it comes along with you on the journey. And this began to show up in her son's struggles with mental health and substance abuse. Sonia has been sharing with us how she navigated the system to get help for her son, but she has also been sharing about the importance of selfcare. On this episode, Sonia gives us practical tips about self care. Many times when we hear self care, our minds go straight to how much it's going to cost us. But Sonia had to leave her full time job when she discovered her son's challenges. So she did not have that kind of money. She had to quit her full time job to focus and to make getting help for her son a priority. So in this episode, Sonia shares some practical tips that we can apply, no matter our financial situation, to care for ourselves. And she emphasizes, just like many health care professionals have emphasized, mental health care professionals have emphasized in books, in studies, in previous episodes of Messy Can't Stop Her, that when you care for yourself, then you'll be able to care for others better. That's the concept of putting on your mask first. So let's get into it and hear the rest of Sonia's story.

JKO:       So you were talking about the time you went for a day surgery and you had two children, one 16, one 18. And you had given the school all the information for the emergency contact, your friend and their father, while you were in the hospital for the day. And some months later you got a call from the Ministry of Children and Family Development saying you left your children unattended and the children in question were 16 and 18. And in Canada you can leave your twelve year old in the house. So that speaks to the challenge of the system in which we live in, where you could get into real big trouble. You talked about the fact that in your case the ministry apologized (Sonia: Yes), for the mix up. But I want to assure you from the experience that we have as black people in Canada, if you were black, they will not easily say they are sorry. They will investigate you regardless of what you say, because the school has reported you. And research in Canada shows that over 50% of child welfare interactions with the black population, and not just black population, with families, is from the school reports. So the school reports you and you could now go for the next, in my case, for seven and a half years of my life, totally disrupting the journey of my children, the academic journey of my children, my settlement journey, until today, our family still bears cars. I commend you for being so organized, because I as a person, I might not have been that organized to give them all those information, but the information you gave was used against you. And that's when we talk about the broken system, it's more than not the fact of them not being connected, it's also the fact that information you give can be used against you. 

Sonia:   Absolutely. I will explain. I cannot speak really on authority because I find myself this experience, but I will say about one incident, that my child was involved and African Canadian. So both of them were involved in an incident where it was not criminal, but it fell under the mischief. Two friends doing the mischief. My son had zero consequence, even not a police visit in my house, while his best friend got a charge. As far as I know, they were both equally involved in the incident. But the best friend of my son got charged for the theft under $5,000 and was on probation. And in my case, I did not even have a visit. I did not have a visit with the police. Again, I don't know the details. I don't know what camera showed, what they were doing in details, because I did not deal with authorities because my child had no consequences. So I don't really know. I just spoke with a mother and I knew the process of the mother had to go through court visits with the child. So that's the only incident that I can explain, but again, I don't know details. I only know from the matter what steps were taken against her son and no consequence, none whatsoever from school or from the police. That was the only one incident that and also in the school best friend, my son got support and counselling while the other child did not. (JKO: Wow, this is what we go through.) Those were two incidents. They were both in the same grade but they were both in the same class, they were all best friends and I was very close with the mother because we were watching them together very closely and we would drive each other kids and I am still it's an amazing mother. And mother would call me and say how come you are getting all this support? I would say, Oh yeah, I had a meeting at school, this and this is happening, this and this is support has been offered to my son and the mother would say how come I never get the call from the school? How come I don't have all of this that you are getting? Right? So I don't know. I am not witness with her and I never would be interested differently, right? Because I would call her and say I just finished meeting at school, I'm going good. And the steps the school is taking in order to help my child and she says how come school never called me? How come I have to initiate that experience that I had with the mother who really struggled? I struggled on my own, but I had less incidents reported with my son, even at all because they were both caught on camera and the business contacted school that the children from that particular school were involved in a mischief. I had no phone call from the school, I have nothing. Why school and police working together and the child ended up being on probation and having a criminal record. 

JKO:       Wow. It's just the way it is for the black child. So I know that you are not black. So that woman's experience, that one experience you had is being replicated thousands of times across Canada for black children. That's why we black parents keep trying to tell our children, especially the boys extra, telling them to be different, don't play like your friends, don't do it. And the children are children, so the police treat them differently, the school treats them differently. You talk about how it became a part time job for you to get help for yourself. It is a full time job for the black woman to live in Canada when she has children because I remember going into an old Navy store here in the TriCities and I allowed my son because I know what they do. So I told my son to walk in ahead of me and my son walked into the old Navy store and a staff of the store, started following my son around the store. I told my son, go to the men's section. I was going to the lady's section to look for something. And I noticed, because I always watch my son, because I know the injustice in the system, and I noticed that my son was being followed around. So I started watching the guy, and I confirmed that he was following my son. Then I went to my son and told my son, this person is following you from one section of the store in the same men's section. My son was still looking at things because he wanted to buy jeans or something. And my son confirmed that the person was following him. And that's how we left the store. Yes. My son now never goes to Old Navy. Yes. Can you imagine? So this is what we go through. We can go grocery shopping. Even in the grocery store. Everywhere is the same problem. And though they talk about right now because of George Floyd Black Lives Matter and all of that, so when you have a struggling child, the layers are many. We have the layer of privacy, confidentiality in Canada. When my 14 year old lost a library card, and somebody used that card to borrow anime books, my daughter does not like anime books. We didn't know what books they were. They called me on the phone and said, my daughter has lost library books and I should come and pay the bill. I asked them, what are the books that she borrowed? They said they can't tell me because she's a young adult or whatever. That's good. She was 14 years old. So they couldn't tell me the books, but I had to pay for the books. So we have these children. They call them minors. They are supposed to be our responsibility. But the government says they have confidentiality. And the healthcare practitioners also tell us that until they are 25, their brains are not fully formed yet. We are in this situation. So when your child is struggling with all these layers, it's so difficult, and I must commend you. 

Sonia:   Unfortunately, you have an extra layer. Because I witnessed daily struggles with my friend, and my friend would tell me that she's raising exactly the same words as you just said, that she is raising her children to be extra, have an extra layer because there is an extra layer of struggle. My layers were extremely deep. My friends as a mother, layers. There were extra layers that she had to peel off. And that was for fact because my children were saying that what support they have at school. While that child would tell me, Nobody calls me, I don't have it. Also, when the youth is admitted to the hospital, they have a right to refuse the test, toxicology test. So parents have no right to know what substance a child is using. Luckily, because I am calm and I would chat with people, so I get my way. So I would chat with professionals and say I know I'm not going to tell my child that I know, but please tell me the results of the test to know what my child is saying. So the understanding ones would say you know what, I know what you are going through, I have my own children, this and this showed in the urine test. Most of them professionals would say it's all confidential, I cannot give you information. That information will go to your GP again. I have a good GP who might have a good relationship again. So my main point is do not be too aggressive out there, because it's hard to get a job when you come too strong or quarrel with any approach calmly, then you will get like people can get a better support. My GP said I know you, I've known you, I know what you're going through as a parent. Don't tell the child and don't tell anybody what the test result is, but I am going to tell you because you as a mother should know. But the system does not allow me to tell. So I left the children at the age of 18 and 16 and had a ministry visit. I had no problem with that. I said come over, I will make you coffee, we can sit down. They ended up apologizing. I said no problem, they were just doing their job. They had their own policy to investigate, so that was not their fault that they were there. So 18, 16 year old left at home. There were no incidents with them that they had to be reached. While I was in the hospital, normal, casual, daytime and ministry came to investigate me. But when the child goes in distress in the hospital and they do a toxicology test for drugs, the child took over age of twelve, they will not disclose to the parents. So the reason I kept my diary, to protect myself. Because if I don't protect myself, I will get in trouble, I will be investigated. But when the ministry came to my home, I brought my notebook and I say ask me anything you want, you can flip back, I can give you all the details, name of the nurses, the doctors, what they said, who I brought. And I said look at how many pages I already wrote. And every page, every line in that notebook indicates my attempt to help my child. And it's a notebook written down line by line, not stories, but details. And I showed them. I said look at my notebook, look how full of writing. Every single line in my notebook indicates my one step towards helping my child. I was given information in Royal Columbian Hospital that my file with my child mental health is going to be transferred of a doctor who works in Surrey Memorial. I was 3 hours on the phone navigating Surrey Memorial, the Hospital Royal Columbia told me call the doctor and schedule appointment with a receptionist for a business. I said, Are you sure? Because I was told I cannot get a doctor. The hospital psychiatrist said no, we are forwarding the file, they will know. You don't have to tell the story, you just book an appointment. When I called Surrey Memorial, I was for two or 3 hours on the phone being transferred, cut off to different parts of the hospital at the end to find out that that particular psychiatrist does not work for Surrey Memorial. After being transferred cut off, my phone was cut off. I had to redial and go through reception again just to find out that that particular psychiatrist work physically as an office in Surrey Memorial, but he does not work for Surrey Memorial. So if I didn't have my notes and they were surprised in Surrey Memorial that Royal Columbian Hospital gave me information that he works in Surrey Memorial. So if I didn't have my notes, I have to flip through the pages and prove that a doctor by the name of John Smith at 09:00 p.m. At Royal Columbia told me to call Surrey Memorial. So your own records are very crucial. Your organization, people's Organization and Calmness and not quarrel is crucial in dealing with domestic violence, dealing with broken medical system, dealing with broken substance abuse system. And it took me years to be where I am now of self care and navigating. Because imagine the pathway in the forest with rocks. You can walk, but then you have a big rock that you have to either go around or climb over it or you don't see it and you trip and keep going. Call me. If you trip over that rock and you fell down and you start running and crying because you have your knee, you are not going to get anywhere. You fall, put yourself together, you put a bandage on your knee and you hold your head up and you keep walking because it's huge and painful. 

JKO:       Oh my Sonia, this is so good because taking back my own experience, if I had someone like you talk to me like this, I wouldn't have lost my cool so many times. I lost my cool so many times. I lost my cool so many times. And the mad black woman I was, the angry black woman or whatever they called me, I was. But one thing is, when I lost my cool, I always came back and I'm like, I'm so sorry, but this is so much stress on me. This is so much stress on me. And one, two I got a few people who stood by me, who showed me. They show you how to navigate the system. They tell you why don't you do this, why don't you do that? And this issue of writing, I think it's wonderful. It's great. It's not just in situations like this, but it's particularly helpful as a parent with a child, even in navigating the school system. (Sonia: Correct.) You need to be able to keep records to say, Principal XYZ told me this on these dates at this time. And because you have people, some of them are devious, but many people have other things going on in their own lives. They could forget what they said. They could make a mistake because they are humans. We really need to do that. And so having grace, taking what Sonia said, being calm. So one thing that helps us with calmness, apart from what we do in self care, is giving grace to the other person. Despite the fact that we are the parents and we're hurting, we're hurting, our children are going through this struggle. We just have to consider that the other person serving us, despite, in some cases, their nastiness, they could have had a very bad day. They could also have a problem with their own child. I've had a worker who had a child with an issue. In fact, and was asking me the thing I did for my child. Can I tell her how I did it? So she can do she was my worker. She was working with me on something. So the thing is working with me to help my child. So we are all, as Sonia said, we working together. I'm not here to scream and yell down at the person helping me. And that person is not the all knowing human with all solutions. Everybody's trying to navigate the system. (Sonia: Absolutely, navigate is the word.) Everybody is trying to oh, thank you so much Sonia for your time. You spend such an amazing time with me. I could go on and on asking you. There's so many questions. And if you're a listener and you have a question, you can send me a DM, and I will send it to Sonia and she will help us with the information that you seek. Sonia, you are a veritable resource base. People should have you as a friend, and I'm going to keep you as my friend. 

Sonia:   Absolutely. There is more, so please reach out. I will be happy to answer any questions, because we can go on and on. 

JKO:       It's endless. Yes. Now that you said there's more. How long was this situation with your child before he got clean and he got stabilized? 

Sonia:   Three years.

JKO:       How old was this? Like 15, also. 14 to 15 years.

Sonia:   The thing is that there is not a one line that you can say, okay, that's when it starts very gradual. So I cannot put it in the number of years exactly. Okay. Because it started with a domestic violence to try dealing with their own, me getting stronger. 

JKO:       So the three years was the time from when you knew that he had the substance situation? 

Sonia:    Yeah, more or less. And you try to figure out what's happening. Right. I have to educate myself on substances. I have to educate myself on side effects of the substances. Right. I have to do lots of research because the child will not come to you and say, I take this and this, and I'm going through this and this. The process of learning food is really hard to say exactly the number of years because probably the whole process started from the domestic violence and mental abuse, mental health, and then slowly went into the substance abuse and then combined together and then started getting out of certain substances but kept other substances. So it's a process, right. So nobody can tell you really exactly. I can tell you exactly two years worth me living in an emotional, abusive relationship. But the journey with my child, the timeline is very blurry. 

JKO:       Yeah, it's very blurry. 

Sonia:   But I know it's more than a week. It's very painful and long. As I said, I started with my self care and even I got rid of sweatpants and oversized tissue. I promised myself I'm not going to just powder on the house with uncombed hair and crying swollen eyes, okay? I said no more sweatpants. It takes the same amount of time to put a dress, regular dress than oversized, faded, ugly T-Shirt I got rid of. Now I'm going to have to stop that because it was for my mental wellbeing, because myself I'm like sleeping. And then I changed from one T-Shirt to another. I'm just pouting. I'm walking around the room, hardly walking in those shuffling, just shuffling, you know, that was part of my getting strong. I said no more faded, oversized T-shirts and oversized faded black sweatpants or gray neutral. I went to the same (JKO: All women, listen.) I went to thrift store because I couldn't afford it, but it doesn't take much. Two dresses, two shirts that fit, that have a nice color. It's cotton. It doesn't have to be bleached gray, ugly, oversized. Lipstick. Once I just lip gloss leaving the house. I have one in a car. I have one in a car at all, all the time when I feel really down and I have to go to some sort of meeting and I forget to do it at home, I have lipstick in a car. I put lipstick and do my hair. And even if I have the dress that I walk around the house, right? I just put a nice sweater on top. Nobody knows who's underneath, but I present myself outside. Not at this broken, unable to care for yourself person. I would get haircut, put a lipstick on. I know I cannot go to a spa, I don't even worry about the spa, expensive address but I don't care. I can do those things, thrift store. So I get few pieces that fit you, few pieces that have nice color, that is nice for your skin. Get rid of all those clothes that will just shuffle around and slippers that are too big and sweatpants that are just hanging and that all puts you down. You look in when you see yourself that you would use a haircut and your eyes are puffed up and this ugly. I tell you, I don't have sweatpants. I have one good pair iff I'm just going out to do yoga. Anything that I wear to sleep is also cheap, but something that fits and it has a nice color because all those two big slippers and I was just shuffling my feet, walking around, feeling miserable with myself in the past, I said no more. It takes you can buy for $2 a proper top to sleep in. Doesn't have to be old. Right? 

JKO:       Right. I love that. That's why I put on the red lipstick. Actually it’s not as red as I want it to be now. So I'm going to go put more. 

Sonia:   I have it in a car. If I forget, in my purse. I have one in my purse. I have one in my car. Quickly. If I don't sleep all at night. And I feel like I'm your mom, I didn't put my lipstick now. 

JKO:       But your hair is so beautiful. 

Sonia:   It's mine. I don't color.

JKO:       It's so beautiful. I love the fact that you don't colour. Look at me, I have some gray hair, but I love my hair. I love the way my hair is. It’s looking beautiful to me. 

Sonia:   Do you have braids? 

JKO:       No, I don't braid. The trouble is too much, abeg. My children are doing the braids. This is my hair. Oh, yeah. So I just cut it into a nice style and look nice and leave my grays. Because these grays, I earned them. I earned my grays. 

Sonia:   I don't color mine because my natural is light. So gray doesn't make a much of a difference in me. What I do is I do a baking soda – peroxide mix in a paste. But because I have a lighter right. That's like a conditioner for me once in a while and just tones. My hair looks healthy. (JKO: Your hair looks healthy.) You see, I did all self care for myself without spending money because I cannot go and do highlights. My highlights for my head will be like $200. Right. I don't have time. I don't have money to do it. I don't have money to shop for clothes. I don't have money to go for massage. Right. Thrift store. Get rid of all that. Anything that is too washed out. Anything on the back of the closet, get rid of it. You don't need to look at it. Something that doesn't fit and doesn't fit you anymore, get rid of it. Also, what's important is to clear the space you live in. Okay? Don't hold into all pots and pans that you don't use. Get rid of. Go through your closet to the back of your closet. Pull out the things that you don't wear. Let your space where you live breathe. I sleep in a living room. I have a closet that I share with my son. In the bedroom. I have no space, right? To make myself better, I can get something new once in a while.

JKO:       Thank you so much, Sonia. This is so good. So selfcare is number one. Number one. Take care of yourself. 

Sonia:   Self care for the mother or the wife, experiencing mental, physical, domestic violence or abuse. Self care is number one. Because when you put that red lipstick on and you go on the street, you feel power. Yes. But when you leave your house battered, crying in your pajamas and old clothes and you have to go shopping, when you meet your friends who are flourishing with a smile, that makes you feel even worse. So even as little as that red lipstick, you feel empowered when you go out, not for other people how they feel, but for yourself. That's only for yourself. Not to show your friends that you bought new clothes. It is only for yourself that you feel powerful and you look after yourself and you wear clothes that fit you and are not bleached. 

JKO:       Okay, so we're just at the end of our time together. But this has been amazing. Sonia, thank you so much for all that you shared and I really appreciate you. And I believe the listeners are going to learn so much, just like I'm learning from you. So I just want you to tell us just one thing to that woman who is in the situation and she's getting overwhelmed, just your last words before you say goodbye. Talk to that woman and just encourage her. 

Sonia:   Absolutely. For every woman that is in that place, you are very strong. You have to look after yourself, take care of yourself. While you take care of yourself, you will have amazing strength to care for your children, for your friends, care for yourself as little as it takes. A little red lipstick goes a long way. $2 clothes. Go a long way and you will feel empowered being able to go outside, face the world and feeling good about yourself. 

JKO:       Thanks so much, Sonia. 

Sonia:   And keep notes. Keep notes. No matter if it's on the phone, no matter if it’s in the format of a calendar. I am visual. I like even fidget with a pen when I'm sometimes talking. For me, it was a physical notebook. But anything that works for you, keep short diary with the time, date and the person you deal with. That will help you even in two years from now on. 

JKO:       Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure having you on Messy Can’t Stop Her. Thank you so much. If you’re a listener out there, these words are for you. You are amazing. You can do it. You have the strength to do it. And if you have a question for Sonia, she's got amazing experience, lots of experience in navigating a system where your child needs support. Send me a DM with a question, and I'll reach her and she'll be able to give us some additional feedback. So for now, I want you to keep going, support everyone who is around you, who is going through. And when we do it together messy can’t stop us. So, thank you so much for listening and see you next time.