Self Care used to sound like just mere words to me. In fact, at a point, those words began to traumatize me. Hearing them made me feel judged and inadequate. I did not think I had the resources – time, money, strength – to afford it. I was afraid to try. Today, with the help of many, including guests on Messy Can’t Stop Her, I now know that it is more about the intention and the steps, no matter how small.
I’ve learnt that even taking a moment to breathe deeply can make a difference in my life. In this episode, I share what I’ve learnt and how my lack of self care can impact my generations. Sadly, I am not alone in the fears I had. To every one of my sisters in the trenches of life, this is my encouragement to you, please prioritize your self care. Messy won’t stop you.
References in this episode
80% of Women Recognize Value of Self-Nurture, Yet Few Care for Selves as They Care for Others
Self-Nurture: Learning to Care for Yourself As Effectively As You Care for Everyone Else
What Is Self-Care and Why Is It So Important for Your Health?
Can the legacy of trauma be passed down the generations?
Epigenetics and lifestyle
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Self Care, these words commonly bandied around by support providers and caring friends and family is one that many of us still struggle with. If like me, you fall under many of us, know that this is the reality for many women across the globe.
In fact, The Thymes Limited's year 2000 Self-Nurture Survey reported that 80% of Women Recognize the Value of Self-Nurture, yet only about 30% of that few, care for themselves as they care for others.
One would think that times have changed, but sadly this is not so. According to a joint survey done by HealthyWomen and Working Mother in 2015, 78% of moms report they put off taking care of their own health because they were too busy looking after others. When asked to rank the amount of time spent taking care of others needs, the same moms put them in this order: Kids took the most time, then pets, older relatives, spouses or significant others, and then (finally) themselves. Mothers put themselves three places behind the family dog.
But after everyone from the kids to the cats are handled, there's not that much left over for Mom: A 2018 survey of 2,000 parents found that moms and dads, on average, get only 32 minutes of "me time" each day — which, frankly, seems high to me. A study in Britain put that number at closer to 17 minutes, which feels more on the mark.
Our experience during the pandemic raised the clarion call on the importance of self care to our physical, mental and emotional wellbeing.
The Thymes Limited, a bath, body and home fragrance products company conducted The Self-Nurture Survey of 1000 women as part of Take Thymes for Yourself public awareness campaign which they created in partnership with Dr. Alice Domar, a leader on women's health issues specializing in stress, infertility, and self-nurture and author of the best-seller Self Nurture: Learning to Care For Yourself as Effectively As You Care For Others.
The survey also discovered that only 8 percent of mothers with one child say they find the time to spend 60 total minutes throughout the day to care for themselves, so only 8 out of a 100 mothers with one child is able to spare one out of 24 hours for themselves every day. With a second small child that figure dropped to 4% of women surveyed. Imagine the percentage for mothers like me with four children, I guess that would be -4% or less, please mathematicians and statisticians help me out.
The World Health Organization defines self care as the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.
Three words stand out for me in that definition – promote, maintain and cope. Promote speaks to me of the intellect, knowledge gathering and sharing, the mind. Maintain speaks to me of physical actions taken and cope speaks to me of the emotions. Self care encompasses the entirety of our being – spirit, soul and body, mental, physical and emotional wellbeing.
And I found this definition by Dr. Marni Amsellem, an American psychologist that buttressed my point. Dr. Amsellem defined self care as anything that you do for yourself that feels nourishing and this can be psychological, physical or emotionally.
Despite the popularity of the self care phrase and much talk about it, one of every five women surveyed (20%) admitted that if they took even one hour off to do something for themselves, it would make them feel selfish, guilty, or anxious and unsettled. Women with a single child were six times as likely to feel "guilty" about taking time for their own needs as women without children (71% vs. 12%)!
The truth I’ve learnt from many of the guests on Messy Can’t Stop Her is that self care not prioritized leads to self damage, especially where children are involved.
Self care is not selfish or self indulgent. In fact, self care is self preservation. If you listen to Sonia’s story in the last three episodes of Messy Can’t Stop Her, she spoke about how self care basically saved her life.
They told me for many years but it was only after five decades that I realized that I cannot enjoy the life I have if I do not care for myself.
As a Christian, I recently learnt that self care is a spiritual injunction, it is a commandment from God. I found this in Mathew chapter 22, verse 39. This popular verse is always used to advice us to care for others but it is also a command to care for ourselves. In the Message translation, it says ‘Love others as well as you love yourself. The truth is that your love for yourself determines your love for others.
Many mothers sacrifice their lives on the altar of other care to the detriment of their own care.
In Dr. Alice Domar’s book, Self Nurture, she writes:
What women need is to learn how to nurture themselves. And the only way we can have fully formed selves is by granting ourselves the same tenderness and fierce protectiveness we'd otherwise reserve for a beloved child." She believes that time must be set aside every day for relaxation techniques. She also recommends that we make affirmations a daily practice because they can help liberate individuals from negative self-images that serve as straitjackets.
The beauty of self care is that it is different for everyone. So, starting with self reflection of our stressors and excitors, we can come up with a plan that will work for our individual lives. This is important because as we learnt from the survey, having one child can be vastly different from having two children.
Look at your life situation, listen to your heart and start with baby steps. In the Show Notes, I have included a link to some suggestions on how to start and maintain self care.
Another beauty of self care is that it is sweet when done in community. This is something that women are practicing more and more with yoga in the park hours, girl trips, mothers night outs, sisters spa days, spiritual retreats, book clubs and all of that. You can plan a hike, nail or hair care day or just a movie night with one or more of your friends. Take time out to relax and do something that nourishes your spirit, soul and body every day, even if it’s to take a moment alone for deep breathing.
It took me such a long time to start prioritizing my self care and even now it’s not so easy to break the mold of leaving myself out of the care equation. But when I realized the danger of not prioritizing my self care and the trauma I have incubated and how that flows into epigenetics, I am now an advocate.
When we think about epigenetics, it is terrifying to think about the impact our lack of self care could have on the lives of the children for whose sake many of us sacrifice our self care.
Epigenetics is an emerging area of scientific research about how our experiences, especially hardships and traumas can be passed down to our children. The United States National Library of Medicine reports that Several lifestyle factors have been identified that might modify epigenetic patterns. These include diet, obesity, physical activity, tobacco smoking, alcohol consumption, environmental pollutants, psychological stress, and working on night shifts. My friends, even working on night shifts. Some of these listed factors are responses to life’s difficulties. This is why supporting our wellbeing through self care cannot be overemphasized.
Sometimes, these conversations can be overwhelming, especially when we’re in the trenches of life. So, to help us, in subsequent episodes of Messy Can’t Stop Her, we will be listening to self care experts on meditation, yoga and other practices that we can employ in our homes and with our family and friends. I will keep you updated on that.
Self care Saves. Self care is how we nurture our spirit, soul and body to be able to thrive through life’s challenges. If we remember to prioritize the practice of self care, no matter what life throws at us, messy won’t stop us.