The Happy Boss Lady: Annette Reid tells us how she turned abuse around to become a successful entrepreneur

Annette’s story continues and we see the stereotype of the abuser play out but we also see the resilience of a woman in action. Annette’s story us reminds us that domestic violence can happen to the strongest of us and that learning how to recognize the signs early can make the difference. In part two of her story, Annette shares how coming through the devastation of domestic violence led her to become the owner of Annette’s Driving School.

Nuggets of wisdom in this episode

Give your children a reference for love so that they will be uncomfortable with abuse

Tears don’t always mean repentance or remorse

Strong, accomplished and confident women from loving homes can get into an abusive relationship

Don’t be ashamed to seek help from books, therapists and organizations

Consistency is the bedrock of success

No matter how tiny and insignificant you think the value you're bringing is, just keep going 

No matter how much ashes have been poured on you, if you don’t give up, your light will shine again

References in this episode

From Lover to Loather: Annette Reid tells us how she learnt about abuse from her experience Part one of Annette’s story

Why Does He Do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft

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Transcript

JKO:       So it went from words to physical now, to making you scared. 

Annette:              Yeah. And that one time I woke up in the morning and I went downstairs to make breakfast, and he came downstairs and I said to him, I don't know what happened last night, but I said, It cannot happen again. And I said it's okay. I said, Men leave women all the time. I said, if you don't want me, it's okay, but you don't get to abuse me. Because my mother told us when we were growing up, don't let a man abuse you, even when I'm in my grave. So I knew that, and I knew that my father loved and cared about me. So I had a reference, and I said, this is not what I want. So at the time, I told him that I was going to leave, and he started to cry. He cried and he cried. He said, you understand you're all I have.

JKO:       He’s the stereotype. Everything they say about them, the characteristics are just different colors. 

Annette:              And then I think somebody said to me, why did you stay there that long? And I said, there would be a long period of time where nothing happened. No more long period of time where he was nice. I could get anything, do anything. I mean, I didn't need much, like I said, but there was a long period of time, nothing happened. He went to church with me. Nothing happened. And I think it was during those times that he had his girlfriend. 

JKO:       He was also unfaithful, 

Annette:              …multiple. And I understand that the woman is married to now was the last mistress in the marriage. I was teaching her to drive, and until I saw her, I saw her one night outside my driveway, outside in his vehicle. Just by coincidence. I did not put myself in a good place because I was more concerned about telling someone what I was going through because I felt so ashamed. Shame kept me there longer than anything. And the feeling that for a long time, I mean, I was married to him for twelve years. I was married to him for twelve years. And in the twelve years we built a business, we accomplished a lot. We bought property in Florida. Financially got better. Like I said to you, there would be a long stretch of time where nothing happened. And I think a big part of why nothing happened was because he realized that I was going to push back. I was not a woman that surrendered to being treated badly. So I was really trouble for him, I was not somebody that he could treat badly and I would be okay with it. I would challenge it, I would question it. And so I believe that may have been the reason for him to just lay low for a long time. And it could be years like he would want to do something. He always look at me like I smell. He would look at me, yes. And I told him one time, he told me, oh, somebody spoiled you. And I said, no. Somebody loved me. And it would irritate him, because no matter what he did, I had references. I would hold on to those references and I would tell him, listen, if you want to go, you go, but you don't get to abuse me. 

JKO:       Wow. So you could go for a year and things would be fine, and then suddenly, wow. Yes. That's quite unusual because many people don't have it for a year of peace and things looking good. People have it in really, like, bursts of trouble so that the lady is on edge all the time. But in your case, he seemed to have issues, and he had the other women outside to take his mind away from. 

Annette:              Right. I started to experience what you just talked about when he forced us into this house, he kept forcing me to move to Long Island that I did not want to, because we already had a house that we renovated and lived in for six years. And our daughter was born. Another thing he did too, was my daughter was born from in vitro, and the first round failed in the dish. And I was like, oh, I'm not going to bother. And he said, oh, you did not really try looking back on all of this, he can be very supportive. He goes to the doctor's office. My doctor thinks he's the best thing. He's such a good guy. And if I tell her doctor now, the fertility doctor, about what happened to me. He would not believe it because he thought this guy was nice. So good. Right. But it started to force me out to Long Island, and I started to tell him that I don't feel comfortable here with some of the things that you're doing. Right. You're getting more brazen in how you talk to me. But it was always gone. Our house was like a bus stop. He was in and out, like a bus stop. In and out, in and out. You work at night. He had the driving school in the day, because I met him with the driving school in the day. But he never seemed like he wanted to sit and read, because he would always tell me he doesn't sit and read. And he was always on the move, always doing something, always on the move. And I think that kind of behavior does not allow him to sit with his thoughts, his feelings, because he was always on the move. He was always looking for the next thing to do, whether it was to pleasure himself with hanging out with the guys who grilled and drink ramen, or it was to be at somebody's house. The amount of women that I found out that he had, even when we moved to Long Island here, and I was like, Hi. I did not know I was sleeping with the enemy. Wow. Because I literally was when I moved over here. And how he's going to get me? And this is very important he's going to get me. In the moment when I was weak, when I had my daughter, I suffered postpartum depression. And in that moment that he saw that I didn't push back, I didn't stand up for myself anymore. I just didn't care anymore because I was settled with that. And in that moment, he started again on this house on Long Island. And when we finally got this house, I walked out here and I said, we're not buying this house. And he said, no. And he went behind my back and put $16,000 down to hold it. And I said, we said we were not buying this house. Why are we buying it? And he said, oh, I just want to see what would happen. And then he got the bid. And I said, So what's going to happen now? And you're going to lose your money because we're not buying this house. And he got very angry, and he even swear at me, I'm not losing my effing money or whatever. It's not our money. Another thing I notice after the marriage, when we started building, was there's no we anymore. It's I. It's my house, my money. But it's two of us building. But it's I, right? I'm no longer a partner. It's him. Because he has to let his friends and his people think that he's the one that is creating this life. Right? He has to feed his ego to say, hey, it's me. Right? Look at me. It's me. He loves attention, too. Look at me. It's me. I was the quiet one, reserved one in the background who really don't care for people to see me. And he's the one who has to be seen. I went to a seminar once when I started to get help through the domestic violence policy, I started going to get help, and there was a lady there, right? There was a lady there who had a book, and she was reading the book, and it's called Why Does He Do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men. And I started to read that book, and I saw him in it. I said, oh, my God, that's him. That is me. That's him. And that book really jumpstarted me, really accelerating my need to find help for myself. Right before, I was like, what do I do? I know this is not supposed to happen to me. And I would talk to my girlfriend about it. I didn't keep quiet, but just with my girlfriend, I would talk to her about it and another girlfriend, but I didn't have language to put to what I was experiencing. I didn't know that so many women went through that. My mother told me years later when I asked her, why were you always telling us not to let a man abuse us? I've never seen a man abuse you. And she said, no, but one abuse my mother. And I told myself that I would not let it happen to me. And when I started having my girls, that's when I decided to tell you, from the time you were little. Right. So my mother was really planting a seed, and that helped me tremendously, because if I didn't have that, I probably would still be here with him, because every time I make a move to leave, quiet down, right? He moved out to live with someone. Then he came back in. He moved out of this house to live with another woman. Then he came back in. That woman is still in his life because he got married to another woman, and he claimed that that's the woman he should have gotten married to. So I was like, what I thought I was getting involved in is not what I got involved in. And there was no part of me that could have stayed there, that could have stayed there, or else it would have broken me, or I would have had to learn how to live with that. Because there were good parts to it. We built a business. We're great in business. There were good parts to it. But financially, I was taking advantage of I was decimated financially. Yeah, because when you have your extracurricular activities and it involves women and partying, you are going to spend extra money. You are going to spend money that you need to take care of your family and other people. And so the pressure came for me to know whenever I was making my paycheck, I had to put more in to pay for this house, to take care of that. He was a good provider, but he was also provided for other people. 

JKO:       Okay, so you ended up not having savings because you were busy spending everything trying to keep up your home, and you had a daughter and all of that. So what broke, what was the straw that broke the camels back that you're like, you know what? I'm done. But it was a gradual process. You had great help from the domestic violence collision, and then after some time, talk to us about some of those support that helped your mind to come to the place of, I can't do this anymore, and the steps you took to separate yourself from the whole situation and move forward. 

Annette:              When I was moving in this house with him, I knew I was going to be isolated, and I suspected that he's forcing me out here, because I did not know anyone out here. We work out here. But I didn't have any family. I didn't have any friends. So I was afraid to come and I would not come. And one day, he packed up everything from the new house in a U-Haul with my brother-in-law and dropped it in the garage here at this house while the workmen were working in here. So the first two nights on Long Island, I did not have anywhere to sleep. I had to sleep in the business place in January when the heat lowered to 55 deg. So I started, no, not with my child. Now what am I doing here? And then once I started going to the domestic place, and then when he choked me for me, it was like, he's going to kill me if I stay here, he's going to kill me. And I started thinking, I have to get out of here. My sister, my niece and my brother were in the other house, and he got a hold of them because they were no longer supportive of me. They were supportive of him because he was a party guy that went to the barbecue with him. He was a good guy. He was a fun guy. Right. I was the one who had boundaries. I was the one who had was responsible. Yeah. I've always been responsible for the burden of the responsibility of the home on you when he had it, had fun. Yeah. Had a good time. When he turned 50, I was living right here with him, and he had a party in the Bronx, and I was not invited. I was not invited, and he had a girlfriend there. So it's like I started to disconnect myself from him long before I left him. I started to disconnect myself from him because I realized that I had to preserve myself. And then that made him upset because he would say to me, you don't love me. And I said I love the guy that I met. I said, this one, I don't know him, and I would not have given him the time of day. So I started to compartmentalize him to see the guy that I met and the one that was abusing me. Right. Yeah. And I said to him, I know you now. And he said, now that you know me, he said, now you know that's how I am. Now you know that's how I stay. Right. And I said, okay, I know you now. So I just let him go. He parted, he went, he lived outside, he did whatever. He had his girlfriend. And I was here trying to figure out how to get back over to the other side of the Bronx with my child. And before I could figure out how we're going to do this, this woman came into the mix, and she was hell bent on having him and helping him to fight me. And that is where she's going to give me my strength, because if she hadn't come, I would not have fought him that hard in the divorce. Okay? She came to help him fight me, but it started to give me strength. The more they helped him, the stronger I became the more they helped him to fight me was the stronger I became. Because I realized that I only had myself to depend on. I only had myself to depend on. And my daughter needs me, and I have to make sure that I do not expose her to this because this is not a healthy relationship. I put myself in a place that was not healthy. But I did not know that in the beginning. But I stayed too long because I thought if I helped him and cause him to go to counseling that he would change. He did something to me one day when he moved out with the woman and he came back he moved out with that woman, and he came back and he's crying in the room there. And he said, Why are you crying? And he said, I want my family back. And I said, how are you going to get your family back? I said I never left. He said, I want to go to counseling. I said, you want to go to counseling? He said, yes. I thought after all this time, he said, make an appointment for me. I made the appointment. I made the appointment. Listen to this carefully. I made the appointment. On the day of the appointment, he picked me up, my daughter up. We were supposed to drop her off at my sister's house. He was late. We drove to the Bronx. We had to go through the bridge. And right after the bridge, there is a fork in the road like that. In all the years I've been with him, when we get to the port, he will pick his head up to see if there's traffic going this way. Because he knows if there's traffic going this way, we're going to get stuck. So he'd pick up his head like this and look. And then if there's traffic and go to the right onto the other expressway. That day, he did not look. He just drove right onto the one that we would get stuck. And there was traffic, and we got stuck. And I said, this man does not want to go to therapy. I don't know why. He had me book this appointment, right? And I called the therapist, and she said she would wait. And we got there an hour and a half later, and he walked in. They had to put my daughter in a conference room with coloring book because we didn't get to drop her off. And she said to him, how are you doing? Good. So why are you here? What's happening? And he said to me, I want a divorce. But he had threatened me with divorce before. I had a paralegal write the paperwork and whatever. And I said, this is not file. You have to do it the right way. But he threatened the divorce. Like, it's to a bluff. Like, if I threaten to divorce you, you will accept my abuse of you, right? And that was not going to happen. Because like I said, there was no part of me that could accept him abusing me, because he was not doing anything for me that I couldn't do for myself. I was always self sufficient. I just happened to merge with him. When I went back up a little bit, I went to a workshop with the author of the book, Why Does He Do that? And it was a workshop for police officers, social workers, people that deal with domestic abuse. And I went my way in there with the company, and I remember listening to everything, and I said, But I don't fit the characteristic of a woman that gets involved in domestic abuse. I did not see my parents getting abused. I didn't have anybody abuse me like that. I had trauma in my life, but I didn't have anyone abuse me. I was not with children and dependent. I didn't have low self esteem. So I said to the Guy, the Facilitator of the workshop, I said, Everything that you put up on the whiteboard does not fit me. So how come I end up in a life with him? And he said, there's another category for you. You are the big fish. You're so used to getting the small fish. It's easy to get the big fish, the small fish, but you were the big fish. And I said, oh. So that's why he pursued me and pursued me relentlessly, relentlessly. And then when he realized that I was leaving because this woman is here, and she's coming to get whatever she said she wants to get from here. And he said to me that day, you know how hard I have to work to get you at the end of the marriage? He said that to me 

JKO:       At the therapist office. 

Annette:              No, not the therapist office. We left the therapist office. At the therapist office. He said he wanted divorce, okay, when we were in about to get divorced in the yard. But he had his girlfriend, and I found out about her. And he turned to me one day, very angry, and he said, I put you on a pedestal. I said, “Why are you so angry at me? Why?” And he said, “you're supposed to get me to Florida.” Because he banks on it that I would work hard and get him to his dream place in Florida where he could have his dream life. And I was not on board because I was being abused. So I'm looking to hop off the train, and he said, you're supposed to get me to Florida. He said you f me. You are supposed to get me to Florida. He said, you know how hard I have to work to get you? And I said, oh. So I was a project. I did not know that I was a project. 

JKO:       Wow. So he kept threatening you with divorce and the last time he did it, you agreed with him wholeheartedly jumped on the divorce train and now he's feeling bad. Good. So at the end you got the driving school he had been doing before. How were you able to ... ?

Annette:              no, I started my own thing. 

JKO:       Okay, so you didn't do his own? 

Annette:              No, for about a year and a half I did, because it was in my name at that point. Why? I told him to shut it down because it was affecting him and how his money was when he went to court with his ex wife and the children. So it was going to close it. And I took it over from him, but because he was abusing me with it, I turned on the license to the government and open up my own thing under my name. The lady there said, why don't you open up one? And I said, I have to figure out her name. And she said, Just call it a net driving school. And right away I did send out the paperwork and that was the end of it. 

JKO:       The lady at the office where you were turning in the license? Yeah. You told her why you were turning in the license? 

Annette:              She knew because he called her trying to get it in his name. And she said he can't get it in his name because they don't do that. And so I said, I want to give it to him, he can have it. I don't want him to kill me over it. And she said, well, you can't have it, you can turn it in. And I said, okay, I'm going to turn it in. And she said, Why don't you open up one of your own? And I said, I guess I have to call it a neighbor because I had no income now, Judith. I had no income. That man would come to the driving school, take the customers out for the test and lessons and get the money and keep it and put the receipt in the mailbox because the business was in my name only, so it was showing that I was making X amount of money, but I couldn't account for it because I never got it. 

JKO:       So you left your corporate job and everything and faced the family business? 

Annette:              Yeah, I got laid off at the corporate job and I decided to come to the family business. I should have done a business for myself, not coming to the family business. But like I said, I didn't think that I would experience the stuff that went on during after a certain time. 

JKO:       It was a lot. I'm very proud of you and you're such an inspiration because I remember seeing your post about it's now eight years after and running a business all by yourself. Did you get any kind of support? May be from government organization. How did that work? And just a short idea, because it might be a woman who is in that place where she's, like, abandoned and doesn't know what to do. How did you cope with all that, even with the turmoil in your heart? There's a hard part of the whole experience, heart breaking and all of that. What did you do? 

Annette:              It was tough because when I opened the business and I was running the business mind, I went to school to teach. I thought I would have a job taking from university. And during that time, he had me in three different courts. I was in three different courts. So there are days when I have to close the business to go to one court, and two months later, I'm in two courts. He had me dancing in court because he's trying to frustrate me to give up, right? And I just tell myself, no matter what happens, do not give up. Do not give up. You walk away with your share. If it's a penny, you walk away with that penny. And even his mother cursed me out. He had his mother cursed me out. She called me. I've been thief, I've been bitch, all this stuff that she called me. But what I did was I did not get any help from anyone. I just built that business myself because I was in a business where kids turn 16 every day. That's the beauty of the driving school. Kids turn 16 every day, and they find you. You don't have to find them. They will find you because they're looking. They go on the Internet? They look, they find you. And a lot of my business that I do are referrals. A lot of it are referrals. And I teach a class online, so that class online, I don't have to really be in the car. I can just be right in front of you right here in teaching my class. Right? And whoever pays $60 per person, they come on. And that's how I did it and pay the bills and did all the stuff that I had to do. Now I have people coming in now to invest in the business, because I've seen I've had it for a long time, and I want to grow it, and I'm expanding. So now I'm getting financial help, and I'm getting other help to scale. But prior to that, it was just me. It was just me and my just being tenacious and determined and resilient, and I had no choice. And I just hunker down I just hunker down and say, whatever you have to do, you do this to survive. And I did survive. 

JKO:       Thank you. You're so amazing. The word I just deemed tenacious and consistent, and I find that consistency is the bedrock of success. No matter how tiny and insignificant you think the value you're bringing is, just keep going. Don't stop. So there'll be days of, oh, my goodness, I wish I want to throw in the towel. But you don't throw in the towel. You just keep going. So if you wanted to talk to a woman here who is listening to us, who is in this place of not knowing or in a place of still thinking, what will you tell this woman? I mean, as part of as we conclude this conversation and watching the story of your life, how you've gone this far and here you are, what will you tell this woman to tell her about this journey in a capsule that she can take away like a peel and swallow it and use it for her own life? 

Annette:              Well, there's one thing that I would it's more than one thing that I would say to a woman, and that is do not carry the burden of shame because you end up in domestic abuse. It is so easy to blame yourself and to feel embarrassed, ashamed, and feel like you want to hide from the world because you cannot tell anybody that you a woman with some sense, end up in a situation that does not make sense. So try your best not to carry the shame and to understand that there is help out there. And when you are ready, when you are ready, because there is joy on the other side when you get out of that situation, there is a life that awaits you that is happy and joyful and free from all that stuff that you're dealing with. But before you can do that, you have to be aware that you're in a domestic abusive situation and also come to an agreement with yourself that you do not want to live this kind of life. And do one thing that I did not do. I did not plan my exit in secret. And when he found out, it got worse. So if you are thinking about leaving, plan your exit in secret. You may have one person, trusted friend that you are a family member that you can say to. But remember, if it goes past that one person, it's going to get out of control, right? Or you hold onto it until it's time for you to make that step. But plan your exit in secret because whenever you decide to leave, it gets worse. For me, it got worse when I decided no more. If I had planned it in secret, I would have escaped some other things that happened at the end. I want to say to you that we are women, we are resilient, we are warriors, we are fighters. There is a spark inside of us that gets put out when we end up in this situation. But the light is not completely out. It may be covered with ashes, the ashes of domestic abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, physical abuse. Those are ashes that covers up our life. But just understand that there is still something burning there that you can work with and that is starting to ask yourself, who am I? And that is the one question I ask myself. Who am I? And why was I put here on this earth? And it certainly was not to be abused by anyone. And that is the starting point. 

JKO:       Thank you so much, Annette. It's been a pleasure speaking with you today. Okay. Thank you so much. Thank you very much. I'm looking forward to other conversations when Cracked Edges comes out, you’re going to be on this podcast.

Annette:              That’s a doozy.

JKO:       Thank you so much.