Messy Can't Stop Her

The Price of Unforgiveness: Too steep to pay and so not worth it

September 21, 2022 Judith Kambia Obatusa (JKO) Season 2 Episode 23
Messy Can't Stop Her
The Price of Unforgiveness: Too steep to pay and so not worth it
Show Notes Transcript

Have you ever wondered how unforgiveness affects your mental, physical and spiritual health? This episode shares some thoughts, research and expert opinion about it.

Would you like to share your thoughts about this topic on the podcast?

Please send me a voice note dm on IG or Facebook, with your answers to the following three questions and I’ll feature you in a future episode of the podcast:
1. What does forgiveness mean to you?

2. What are the benefits of forgiving?

3. Are there offenses that are unforgivable?


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Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

What is unforgiveness? According to the conclusion from a 2004 research study by the duo of Worthington and Scherer, unforgiveness is a type of stress response and has a direct impact on an individual’s mental health and psychology of a person. The study also suggests that unforgiveness can be viewed as a state which a person is confined in a stressful state of mind.

Forgiveness can be hard especially in a case where the offender has not stopped offending. An example of this is in domestic violence where whether you’re staying or leaving, the offender could still be hurting you in many ways. However, the price of unforgiveness is so steep, it is wiser to forgive than to become embittered.

Thomas Plante, a professor of psychology at Santa Clara University and an adjunct clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University School of Medicine explained this cost in an article in Psychology Today. He said that unforgiveness is toxic to our physical and mental health because when we’re unable to forgive we hold in anger, resentment, and bitterness and these can harm us in multiple ways and at multiple levels. 

If you’re in a chaotic life situation as a result of another person’s misdeeds or you are living with or rather in hurt, it is hard to talk about forgiveness but if you stop to think about the terrifying psychological, physical and spiritual price of unforgiveness, it is not worth it. 

As the old saying goes, unforgiveness does more harm to the container than to the offender.

I want to focus on some of the harm that unforgiveness does to us when we allow it to fester in our hearts.

Mental Harm

According to Karen Swartz, director of the Mood Disorders Adult Consultation Clinic at The Johns Hopkins Hospital “There is an enormous physical burden to being hurt and disappointed,” says Karen Swartz, M.D., the chronic anger that unforgiveness causes results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. 

Psychologists report that unforgiveness cooks up a unique brew of emotions like bitterness, hostility, and revenge, around the experience of being wronged, and that this is virtually indistinguishable from stress. Dr. Loren Toussaint, a Professor of psychology in Luther College, in Iowa USA has been studying forgiveness and health for the past 20 years and he says that staying in a state of chronic stress (or rather unforgiveness, since the body is unable to distinguish unforgiveness from stress) can result in anxiety, depression, digestive issues, trouble sleeping, weight gain, a weakened immune response, and even heart problems. Unforgiveness could also lead to mental health disorders like, post traumatic stress disorders and paranoid personality disorders. If your unforgiveness is to yourself then it could also lead to low self esteem. According to various studies, in the long run, unforgiveness not only leads to poor mental health, it also impacts one’s physical health.

Physical Harm

Unforgiveness increases the risk of physical health problems like high blood pressure, diabetes, heart disease, ulcers, hormonal imbalances and impotence. Mental health disorders that lead to physical harm like Anorexia and Bulimia can also be an offshoot of unforgiveness  Various studies report that chronic, sustained stress suppresses immune function and increases the risk of infectious diseases. In fact, according to some research 61% of cancer patients are also experiencing unforgiveness.

Spiritual Harm

Am sure you know that I would not end this conversation without delving into the spiritual part of unforgiveness. I wanted to see what various religions say about unforgiveness.

According to The Buddha “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” 

One of the Buddhist holy writings says this: ‘He abused me, he struck me, he overcame me, he robbed me’ — in those who harbor such thoughts hatred will never cease. So, even the thoughts and words of unforgiveness have negative consequences on our spiritual health.

According to The Jewish Talmud, “Who takes vengeance or bears a grudge acts like one who, having cut one hand while handling a knife, avenges himself by stabbing the other hand.” 

According to the Bible, unforgiveness withholds God’s forgiveness towards us. Two scriptures in the books of Mathew and Mark buttress this.

"In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." (Matthew 18:34-35)

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." (Mark 11:25)

Most religions frown against unforgiveness.

Despite the harm that can come from unforgiveness, forgiveness can put a stop to the consequences of unforgiveness. 

A 2006 study reported by Drs. Gayle Reed and Robert Enright, professors of psychology in the University of Wisconsin reports the use of Forgiveness Therapy as an effective tool in improving psychological wellbeing outcomes in women who had been emotionally abused.

Forgiveness therapy has also been researched as an effective tool for the management of chronic pain in conditions like fibromyalgia.

Various studies also show the impact of forgiveness on the effects of stress on our bodies. Two weeks ago, we talked about the impact of forgiveness on our generations.

Yes, unforgiveness may be easy to fall into but it is not worth it. You should not drink the poison of unforgiveness and expect the one who offended you to be harmed by it.  Like The Buddha says “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else but you are the one who gets burned”. Just change the word anger to resentment, bitterness or unforgiveness and think about what it’s saying.

A lot has been said about unforgiveness and forgiveness in the past few weeks, so I’ll love to hear from you. Please send me a voice note on Instagram or Facebook with your answers to the following questions:

1. What does forgiveness mean to you?

2. What are the benefits of forgiving?

3. Are there offences that are unforgivable?

If you’re a woman who has been hurt by your significant other, your children, your parents, siblings, other family members, friends, faith family, work colleagues, neighbours…and the list could go on and on…please let go. You must fight to not be tainted by unforgiveness. You are too valuable to let offences miscolour your life. When you do this, messy won’t stop you. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Messy can’t Stop her. See you next time. 

References in this episode

The Prison of Unforgiveness

Holding a Grudge can Make You Sick

Forgiveness: Your Health Depends on It

Forgiveness: How it Manifests in our Health, Well-being, and Longevity

The Negative Effects of Unforgiveness on Mental Health

Forgiveness in Different Religions

Forgiveness Matters – Messy Can’t Stop Her episode