A Life of Sacrifice: Iyaiya Thomas Ofem on finding her purpose while serving her community

Transitioning to season three of the podcast with some delightful conversations.

Beginning with a heartwarming conversation about the struggles of a housewife and homemaker with Iyaiya Thomas Ofem, entrepreneur and founder of Evolve360 Woman Initiative and Conference. 

Sometimes our life’s circumstances could make us feel that we’re not doing as well as others and we just want to hide from the questions and judgments. In this first part of her story, Iya tells us how serving at her children’s Parents Teachers Association led her to find who she truly was.

Nuggets of wisdom in this episode

Keeping the goal in mind and showing up where it matters can be your salvation.

Yes, service is sacrifice but a life of service never goes unrewarded.

Respect and honour others, you never know who has been placed on your path to help you.

References in this episode
Ezanya: The Nigerian Housewife, a book by Iyaiya Thomas, available on Amazon

To learn more about Iya’s work, visit Evolve360 Woman Initiative on Facebook and Instagram and 2401Crafts on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Tune in next week for the rest of Iya's journey from a full time housewife to an entrepreneur and women's empowerment changemaker.

Thank you so much for listening!

Join the Messy Can't Stop Her Sisterhood at https://www.facebook.com/groups/3204395256540448/

If you would love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here to let me know.

Thank you so much for listening.

Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

Transcript

JKO:       Mrs. Iyaiya Thomas Ofem is the Creative director of 2401Crafts a Hands on Business, where she makes head gears and different things that women use to beautify themselves. She is also the convener and the founder of the Evolve 360 Woman Initiative Nigeria. Evolve 360 Woman Initiative convenes yearly conferences where women are empowered with the stories of other women who have done great things. They actually support women who are doing business. Traders, People who do crafts, they help them with finances and also other hands on support as the year goes on. So every year they have recipients of these funds. You'll hear more about this as the conversation goes on. Thank you so much for honoring us with your presence today. Welcome. Thank you very much. 

Iya:        Thank you for having me. 

JKO:       In 2014, Iya published a novel called Ezianya the Nigerian Housewife. It told a story about a woman who in the course of her marriage, she discovered that she had to lean more on God than putting all her hope in her husband. And this beautiful book can be found on Amazon. Tis is not new to Iya. She has always been one who wanted to empower women. In fact, when she shared her personal vision statement with me, I'm going to read it to you so you can understand that this person is passionate about empowering women to be their very best self and to not just be themselves for themselves, but to also support one another. Many people tell us that women will love to compete. But no, she's saying we have a unique form of sisterhood when we compliment, when we support one another. So here, these are really wonderful things that you do. And I'm going to ask you a few questions but let me first read Personal Vision Statement. I help women find the power within them to define themselves, collaborate instead of compete, thereby redefining sisterhood. So I want us to go back to when we talk about messy can't stop her. It means that there was a time in your life when things are not perfect. When it was as if it was a mess. And our messes are different for different people, their messes are different. And inside that mess, you began to put together some things that helped you redefine who you were. Could you tell us a little about that?

Iya:        As a young woman that just got married and then I had to move to join my husband in his new location. It was difficult starting afresh where I was. I was established already. That was where I finished my university. But then I got married and my husband was at Enugu. And then after the wedding and everything, celebrations, we had to relocate to Enugu. And then a few months later, he got the job in Legos. I had to relocate back to my village because then my movements were tied to him. I was in the village for some few months, and then I had to move again to Lagos. And then you see that those movements were always putting me in a spot where I can't even start anything, but I don't know the next trip we are going to take or the next movement. And when the kids came, all my attention was centered on them having a comfortable life. So I had to put my dreams aside, I had to put everything I had aside just to make sure that my family was in one piece. And a few years later, I think a year or two, when we actually moved to Abuja, it was in Abuja we had a kind of stability because we spent about four years in Abuja. And then that was when I decided that I have to start learning whatever skills I can acquire because I don't know what tomorrow will look like. First I started with the Beads in Lagos. I went to a training at the University of Lagos consultancy section of one of those departments and learn how to make beads, that's necklaces, and then we can move to Abuja. Because of those movements, I got a job. But after six months I resigned from the job because I could not balance the job with the family situation, balance it where I found myself. I have to be at the office by 08:00 a.m., and then I have to drop the children in school by 07:00 and then be at the office by eight, come back to pick the children by five. And I discovered the nature of my husband's job. He was always traveling. So if he travels and I have to be at the office that I close by 06:00 p.m. How do I pick my kids by 04:00 p.m. So I had to make decision to resign. So that was where everything came to. I don't know how to put it now, but that was when I knew that okay, I can't do anything except this family. That's where my focus has to be. And then I think two or three years when he got a job in Malawi, we had to move again. So you see, throughout my 1st 16 years of marriage, we were moving from one location to the other. And because of that moment, I couldn't do anything concrete. I couldn't even plan anything for myself because my life was tied to my husband's career. But then we moved from Malawi, the contract finished and we came back to Nigeria. 2015, he got another job back in Malawi. We had to move again because he said he wanted his family with him. He didn't want the children to grow without him. So every time he got the job, we had to move. And then when I got to Malawi, I think in 2016, there was an invitation for a PTA meeting in the school my children attended. So I went there. The first day I attended that meeting, I met a woman, and then she said they were looking for the new PTA executive. And then she just looked at me. The first time I met her was with my children. I just introduced myself as someone that just arrived in Malawi. Then I was trying to bring new friends, and then she just looked at me and said, this one can be a PTA secretary. So I started, Why should I be the PAA secretary? I don't know how this school functions. I don't know anything about I've never done this before. She said, no, you can do it. So we had a meeting that day. That was how I became the PTA secretary, without election or anything. So I was PTA secretary, and then I met the PTA chairman, was the owner of a private university. One day we had a conversation, and he me, what is your qualification? You don't look like a housewife. What's your qualification? I told him, I have a master's degree in leadership and change. And then he asked me, can you be a secretary in the university? I've seen you do a good job so far. So I said, okay. And he asked me to stay in this office in two days time. So that's how my journey started. Reclaiming myself as a woman, as an individual. So I arrived this office that day, and after a conversation with him at the VC that's the Vice Chancellor, the Vice Chancellor told me, I don't think I want you in a position of, can you teach? I said, I have never taught. Let me put it throughout this journey, I think I lost myself in the process. But meeting certain people, at every point in time, they saw something I was not seeing again. So every point in time when they say, you can do this, everything to person, how did they know I can do this, when I didn't even believe it myself? So that was how the journey started. 

JKO:       Wow! Something really stood out to me in this story. You always met people who saw something you were no longer seen in yourself. This so, so profound. One thing I feel about life is that people are built up. You become great through people's help, or you become nothing through people's help. So if you meet people who see something in you that you don't see something great in you, and they want to help you bring out your greatness, then they will help you and you become great. Then if you meet people who see greatness in you, but they do not want you to be great. They can also help you destroy your greatness and then you start thinking that you're nothing particularly. I love your story because people now talk about women's lib and all of that, and it's okay for us to be liberated and everything, but I feel that somewhere inside of us, we really want the best for those who are our family, those who we kind of feel committed to the relationships that we step into. So I would like you to just speak a little bit about when how you talk about giving up your dreams to be there for your husband. And I'm so proud of him because he believed in family, because some people, some men would love to travel and then they'll be free to roam the wilds because they don't have their family with them. But he wanted his family with him all the time, and he cared about his family. Some people are even with their families, but they don't care about their family. And I feel that is commendable. So can you speak to that part about what it meant or what it means as a woman to put your dreams aside, to follow my husband from job to job, location to location, and then to take care of my family? You got a job, and you realize at this point, the only way to do me, to do me right now is to give all to this family. Was it something someone told you? Was it something you sat down and thought about? Can you tell us about what that means and how you came about that decision? 

Iya:        Nobody told me. It was a good conversation I had with myself first before my husband, because being the kind of person he was, he wanted me to be busy doing something. When I got the job, he was the one that gave me the encouragement, told me what to do, how to present myself, even shopping for some few dresses for me. But then I sat down and discovered that I can't do this together. I can only successful family. I can't be there for my children. Let me not talk about successful family. I cannot be there for my children. I still have this job because most of the times when I was the company secretary for that organization, and I was also the secretary to the managing director, so every time sometimes we go for meetings. It was a contracting thing. They were into to construction and the rest. So most times we go for meetings with the Ministry of works, and then the meeting straight into evenings, and then I have to pick my children by 430 from school. So I didn't need anybody to tell me that this thing will not work for you. So I decided that I just have to resign from the job. 

JKO:       I really like something you said. It was a conversation you had with yourself. As people who want to move forward with life, we have to have those conversations with ourselves for some of us, we really like to talk to people, to others, to help us decide what we're going to do. But for people who are successful, we talk about self reflection. Self reflection is when you think about your emotions, your motivation, your desires, and you evaluate even the events of your day to see the areas where you could do better or your learnings. So you do this all the time. So self reflection is so important. And what you're saying when you say, I have a conversation with myself, you actually think it was self reflection, was you reflecting on your life you had no. And you said you were a young woman who got married. I must commend you. I feel that you are very wise because some of us, it takes maybe in our 50s before we learn to become self reflective, to start to think. So for a woman to actually make decisions that will help her, whether it is to give up her job so she could focus on her children for this time you have to actually think and talk to yourself, think with yourself and talk with yourself. So that was that. But there's something you said again about you lost yourself in the process. What did you mean by that and how does that happen? 

Iya:        What I meant by losing myself was the fact that I couldn't take any personal decision without putting every other person into consideration. If I have to travel, I have to think about the welfare of the children. I have to think about if my husband's job is going to take him out of town. So situations like that there was a time I couldn’t even attend weddings of my closest friends. Even my elder sister’s wedding, I couldn’t attend because he was out of town and there was no way I was going to carry the children along with me. I couldn't take any decision without putting my family into consideration. I couldn't even do anything. I lost myself because at that point I would say I was a little bit confused because I was wondering, is this all I have to do throughout my life? This is what life is all about. But then those self reflections really helped me because at some point I always had a question session with God because so many people looked up to me. So many people thought that was what I wanted. I wanted to be a full time housewife, but that wasn't what I wanted. And then when you have friends that look at you and think you're living your best life, you can talk to them about anything happening around you. Because every time you try to mention the fact that you wish you did so many things, they would look at you. So where you are is you not enough. It looks as if you're greedy wanting to achieve more. So I don't even talk to anybody but silent. I was always questioning myself, is this what I was created to do? Yes, I was happy to be a housewife. I was happy to have children. But then, is this what I was brought on Earth to do? So that's where the losing of self was. Because at some point I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I want them more, but I didn't know what I wanted. So that's why I said I lost myself.

JKO:       This is so good. I don't know if somebody might be hearing us and being in that situation. Well, you don't know what you want anymore because you have so much of yourself too. You've put yourself aside all the time talking about you. And as mothers, especially those who are mothers, or maybe not even a mother, you might be a caregiver to somebody in your family. So the person comes first from Iya's story, I think. Let's just keep listening. It seems there is a time in life where sometimes you make those sacrifices, but that is not all that yet to do. It's so encouraging to know that there is. We're going to turn a corner very soon and we'll see what happened. So you didn't know what you even wanted to do. So when did this change? You mentioned the fact that people began to see what was in you. So not only did you not know what you wanted to do, you no longer knew your strengths. You no longer knew what you were good at. Did that affect your confidence? 

Iya:        Yes, it did. At some point it did. There was a time even to go out to socialize of the program for me, okay, you are invited to an event and then you enter. The next thing is, what do you do for a living? So how do you begin to explain that? And sometimes most of these people are maybe your classmates in the university. And then you see the positions they are in society and you wonder, is that where I could have been? Even for what I'm doing now? At some point I couldn't work. I get invitations. I don't honour them. Because that question is, what do you do for a living? I think I read a book. I think then social media just came up. I think it's on Facebook or whatever. And then most of those comic chats that people usually have. And then somebody said she went for an interview and she was asked what she does. She's a housewife. So she told us she was a home manager. So that was where it down on me. That's the truth. She wasn't a housewife alone. She was managing the home. Because most of these things we do as housewives cannot be quantified. Somebody asks you, what do you do for a living? At that point in time, you want to be a housewife. That's where you are. That's the space you need to hold for yourself for the time being, until things improve, until you begin to see the vision you had before as a young person, before your marriage. So at that point in time, I think it was in, that was when I began to question myself. I began to question myself in Malawi. Then I got introduced to a Kenyan lady. She was a housewife just like me. And then when they went for sporting events in my children's school, we saw another man that it was his wife was working and he was one in charge of the group. I had a conversation with this Kenya. She was like, do you know that this man does not work in Malawi? They call us accompanied because all the expatriates have partners. So all of us were accompanied. She said this one is an accompanied. I said so if a man decided to leave everything he has done to be here for his family, his wife is the one providing the income. So why should I be bothered that I am here with my children? I think that gave me a little clarity, but that was not finer. I didn't still know what to do with myself. So good. So this was where it was like freedom. The journey to finding your subject, journey to stepping into your purpose, is not like I went to bed and I woke up with it. It was a journey. But one thing that I have to say from your story is that you showed up. You went to things that concern your children and you showed up. And you also wanted to have relationships. You reached out to create relationships with other people. The only place where you were not showing up was all those places where people come to show their grades and what they are achieving and all those things. But in the place where it mattered most, because this was your business, you were in the business of family, building the lives of your children where it mattered most, you showed up. And while you were showing up just for these children, then you were meeting those who God used to put you on the path of where you were going. And also there's something very, very good. I just want to point out in this story is the place where you not only got those who God used to help you on your journey, also those questions you used to ask yourself is this all am meant to do? Those things I'll give you discontentment. Those questions we answer. For example, meeting that man answered the question of this thing I'm doing, is it really worth it? Is this all I meant to do? And you thought it was because you were a woman until you saw a man too. Look at now we know Housewife, but we have no name for the man. We should say household man or what are we going to call him? But Housewife. Everybody in the world knows the term housewife. So it was not even common for men to do this. So when you saw this thing that wasn't common, it jolted you into thinking, my, my, I'm not in a bad place. So just continue that story for us, telling us. You said it was the beginning, but it wasn't the final. You still continued. So that answered the question. So moving forward. 

Iya:        Yeah. After that day, I think I visited the Kenya. I visited the lady, so I wasn't invited to her house. I just sat in my house. I felt if she could make that statement, it means there's something about her that I could learn. So I drove to her house one day. What I should say is that the expatriate community in Malawi. What happens is that to visit somebody, you need to inform. Or I should say that it should be normal, but in Nigeria it's not. You just stand up one day and decide to visit your friend without any information.(JKO: I like it.) There's no how your friend will not accept you. But going to another place where you see that before you visit somebody, you need to call ahead because the person might not be there. So I just felt I should visit her. So I drove to her house. And then the security man said who was I can find to her? I told him. So he opened the gate and I told him. She offered me coffee. And then we had a conversation. At that point, she was also lamenting because she had a job where she was coming from. And then she had to move because of her husband. She was also complaining. But then during those conversations, we started learning from each other. Once in a while, we went to have cofee. Before, I was always home and the only person I visited was another Nigerian lady who is in the US now. Once in a while, she will say, there's a book, let's go and have coffee. So there was this book café where there’s a place for coffee and then you can buy books, secondhand books. So when we go there, we buy books for ourselves, buy books for the children, have coffee, and then we leave. So that's how the relationship started. And then in the middle of 2014, my husband's contract ended. We had to come back to Nigeria. And then when I came back to Nigeria, I went back to train for the beads. Because I was coming back I discovered that there were so many new designs that I didn't know how to do. So I had to go back to register to train for beads designing again. He had told me that we were not going to move because he had seen that the woman he married was not the person I am now because it’s like I was running in circles. Most times he’ll come back from work and ask me, Are you okay? I say yes. I'm okay. But I wasn't okay. But I just say I'm okay. So he said, okay, now that I'm going back for this new job, you're not going to come with me. You and the children will be in Nigeria, I said, no problem. I was happy. At least when am in Nigeria, I can start whatever I want to start whatever is in my head to do. But then before the term could end, that's about a month plus, he called me and said, you have to move. You have to move. I can't be here alone. I need my children with me. I need you here. I said okay no problem, at least let them finish first term after that we move. Second term, we move. And that was what happened. We moved. And then the issue of attending the first PT, and I was made a PT ticket. And from that being a PTA secretary, I think that was my turning point, because I have to organize the sporting events. I have to search for snacks that the children need. And so in the process, I have to interact with a lot of people. I have to. Sometimes I leave the house about 10:00 a.m.. By the time I'm coming back it’s 02:00 p.m.. I have to move from one office to the other looking for assistance so that any sporting event in school would be successful. I think that's what opened me to the fact that there was more, there was more to me that people were seeing, and I did not see. And then this same lady that had looked at me and said, you can be the PTA secretary introduced me to Inner Wheel. And then I think just one year after that, I was made the president. I had no idea how they operate. Somebody said, okay, can you pick me for the next meeting? One of the members, I picked her and as we were driving, she asked, If you were asked to be the president, who can you do? I said, I don't know. I've never done this before. You can manage. I said, okay. No problem. She said, Please don't reject it. This is somebody that we have never had a conversation more than one sentence, she said, Please don't reject it. I said, no problem. When she asked me to pick her for the next meeting, I was wondering, when did we have this relationship that I have to pick you for the next meeting? Your house is not even far to the location of the next meeting. Why should I pick you? But then I don't know. I said, okay. No problem. The conversation happened. When I reached there, the president said, yeah, I think I've served for two years, and as a new member, we want new ideas? We want fresh ideas, so you'll be the next president. I looked at the other members. An elderly woman that I became friends with looked at me and said, you can do it. You can do it. Stop being afraid. We usually sit together at every meeting because the first day I attended their meeting, she told me to come and sit beside her. This woman is about 60 something. Yes, they come and sit beside me. Wow. And then we started having a conversation. Even when we attend meetings, the president or whoever is talking. Both of us are having a conversation by the side. And then after that meeting, she asked me to visit her. When children have gone to school and you're not doing anything. What do you do? The first time I go to her house, we just sat down. Just had a general conversation. What do you do? This is a period in your life. Don't feel bad. You're thinking of so many things right now. but your children should be a priority. Don't feel bad that you're following your husband. You're here. You are here for a purpose and all that. An older woman. It was through that meeting I met her, and then she said, don't refuse it. You can do this. Don't worry. I'm here to help you. (JKO: Wow) I said, okay. No problem. And then time for induction. She said they should do it in her house. It's usually done in the hotel where members pay for snacks and other things but she said they should do it in her home. I said no problem. So we went there. After the induction. She was like a guide to me. 
Concludes in the next episode.