Self Care Series: Mental Health Advocate, Mayra Gonzalez shares how empathy, counselling and self care nurture emotional wellness

This is the first episode in our Self Care Series where we’ll share valuable insights and practical tips to help you on your self-care journey.

Mayra Gonzalez, Counsellor, Yoga Instructor and Mental Health Advocate helps us learn how to recognize warning signs of domestic violence, manage stress and build resilience. She delves into the transformative power of empathy and the importance of being sensitive to others' pain. Drawing on her expertise and lived experience, she shares insights on how counseling can facilitate healing and growth and then caps it up with 2 grounding exercises that can help you deal with anxiety and stress.

From practical self-care tips to navigating through challenging emotions, this episode offers invaluable guidance on fostering healthy connections, prioritizing mental well-being, and unlocking the potential for profound personal transformation. Tune in to gain a fresh perspective on empathy, counseling, and self-care, and empower yourself with tools to navigate life's challenges with resilience and compassion.

References in this episode
The Body Keeps the Score
Mayra Gonzalez on LinkedIn

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Thank you so much for listening.

Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter

Transcript

JKO:       Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her . I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa, JKO. On today's episode, I have an amazing guest with me. It's, it's always a wonderful thing for me to see a person who has dedicated their lives to making life better for other women.

And my guest today has pivotal careers to be able to do that with the rest of her. She's worked as a lawyer supporting women who are coming out of or in domestic violence situations and other kinds of traumatic sit life situations.

And now she is back in school doing a master's in social work. Her name is Mayra Gonzalez. Myra, thank you so much for honoring your presence on Mexican stopper.

Mayra:  Hello, Judi and hello everyone that listened to us, and I just want to clarify that the program that I'm doing right now is counseling psychology, and I'm so honored to be here.  I just love the space that Judi is able to create for all of us and we, we can share our. 

JKO:       Okay, so you can see now counseling psychology is more like actually what she's been doing, and it's amazing.

So Mayra has excellent abilities to help a person who is in a difficult situation to find calmness. So first of all, let's hear a little bit from Myra about her background. Myra, can you give us a little bit about your story and why you are so passionate about helping women? 

Mayra:  Yes, for sure. I, I feel that that's a big question for me in my life.

Because I have been advocated to support women's rights before I was doing as a lawyer. And right now I'm doing it in another capacity, more as a crisis line supporter with having emotional distress. I have been a volunteer at, but the woman's support services as a legal intern as well. When I used to be a program officer at Success, I used to provide settlement and employment services to diverse clients, and some of them included women.

As a woman,  I have been experiencing different struggles even before coming or moving  to Canada. So that's the reason that I feel that there's so much need of bringing that empowerment woman and it's the energy that gives me the passion to keep going and be able to provide that emotional support that a woman might be experiencing isolation or be just there as a human, you know especially these days when all the things going on around the world.

It's important to come together. It's important to, as a sister, to find our strength or inner strengths.

JKO:       I remember when I was talking to you and I was telling you that my passion is supporting women who are going through domestic violence. I want families to be stronger because the men treat their women better.

And the women are satisfied because they say the hand that Rocks the cradle rules the world. And  you said, oh, you were so excited about hearing about helping people with domestic violence and you told me you had a reason.

Could you tell us why my story and what I told you was my passion resonated with you? 

Mayra:  Yeah. So I will say that I have life experience about domestic violence. I grew up in a toxic environment and it, it was really challenging as a daughter to be that child, noticing those behaviors.

And so that it was really hard for me, and there was a lot of trauma coming on in my family. That still nowadays, I noticed that I have been doing a lot of healing and I'm so grateful for that and approach or reaching out for help. However, I'm still seeing that there's some pieces, right, or almost that they were hurt that part of my family members that there are still experiencing some, some kind of  domestic violence.

I understand and I have firsthand how that looks and how challenging it is. And it's not just as a daughter. Right. You can see when there are other family members in it. Like seeing your mom as well, experiencing that. And then as I was growing up myself, I was even having those toxic relationships.

At the beginning. I wasn't aware about that as a teenager and I'm so grateful that I have been that person who has always wanted to Have open communication or reach out for help or ask for questions. So all those parts of me helped me to reach out for help. I'm noticing those signs, right, that I was even myself with those toxic relationships.

So I was able to Take away or remove myself from toxics environments and just find a better way of being, because there's a better way of being. And it's hard. It's hard to grow up in that way of  normalizing that domestic violence is okay, but it's not okay. And even as a lawyer when I used to live in Mexico that I actually advocate more for women and also children, especially in domestic violence.

I noticed that Friends around me that also were with domestic violence and I was grateful enough to support them as well  and take legal actions. 

 And all of us are aware, like after pandemic hit that domestic violence really, really amplifies. Mm-hmm. So, yeah, I'm really close to the experience and I know how hard it is. 

JKO:       Okay, so you talk about having first time experience. There's a word you used a lot, you said. I noticed. I noticed. I noticed. 

When you talk about notice , give us some examples of the things you noticed  maybe in your friends, in family members that made you recognize it as domestic violence. Just in case there's somebody listening. What  are the things you noticed? Some of us are also bystanders, like you were, we are in these spaces and some of us notice, some don't.

Mayra:  Yeah, I mean, I can speak from, as a friend, for instance. Like one of the signs. So for some close friends experience that would be isolation.  They weren't able to reach out to us as a friend and having always an excuse for not connecting with the others and even being afraid to be outside.

Even being afraid to do something by yourself because you need permission, right? Mm-hmm. For your  partner,  feeling anxious after talking to your partner. And it's so subtle, right? That we can tell those red flags. But I will say a big one is isolation. Right? Right. You're all deciding notice that your close friends are separating from you, or even for myself, right?

Like just be with anxiety all the time or be worried. About like, oh, if I am a regulat late, , he might be anger If I do that, like all the time. Having this stress about how it's gonna be the reaction of your partner, right, like, oh my, I need to report to my partner because if he doesn't know where I'm at, he's gonna be anger.

Those subtle of things. 

JKO:       Hmm. Awesome. So when you talk about anxiety and stress with these people, like your family members that you watched going through domestic violence or your friends, how did those emotional challenges play out in their lives? Because I might be in a domestic violence institution, but I don't actually recognize it as, until I begin to hear these kind of conversations. But I have anxiety, I have depression, but I don't recognize it. I haven't named it. So how did those emotional issues play up in the lives of these individuals that you happen to notice, have these problems? 

Mayra:  I mean, you kind of like already describe little bit, but definitely there's a denial that it's happening. But emotions are strong. And let's face it, like emotion, they will try to find a way to show up. There's some emotion that makes us feel uncomfortable, right? We don't like to be anger, we don't like to be sad, we don't like to be anxious.

Like who likes that, right? It's so uncomfortable. But the reality is that your body also speaks about it, like there's a need that you are not addressing, right? Mm-hmm. And I can see that. Even though is there a thought of denial, right? Your body speaks so highly in the way that you might be shaking.

Perhaps you might have terrible memory about things. You are not remembering what they're telling you. There's some subtle sizing in your body that is strongly they are asking you to do something, that there is something is off. You know what I mean? Like something. Mm-hmm. It's not okay. Mm-hmm. 

And actually, I want to say itches, courage, track knowledge, those subtle signs from your body or even having trouble sleeping.  That's another, at least it was for me, like I was having a hard time sleeping. I didn't understand why. But then I understand when I was having some help from counselor that it was part of anxiety.

Or it was part of stress or that fear. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. Because you don't feel safe, like you don't feel safe about that person, but it's a interesting cycle that happens there, right? You don't feel safe with that person, but at the same time you feel that you cannot live without person. It's, it's a cycle that is so challenging, and I'm really grateful that you are asking these questions, Jodi, and just to let people know that if this conversation might be, bring something for you, right? That you are wondering about it or curious to learn more about it, like there's always crisis line available that you can choose Google it, or if you need to talk to someone after hearing us, you can reach out to the train.

Also, you can have emotional support. 

JKO:       Yeah,  I remember when I was deep in the middle of these kind of situations. One thing that I, when I look back now and then, then I couldn't connect, it was my quick temper. I got angry easily, very easily. I was very irritable. And then when I, I was always sad.

I couldn't smile. I was always sad, very sad. If  you are  someone who is sensitive and you see me, you can feel the sadness. And that's one of the things that I have seen in my own life. Now that I'm more aware, I always noticed that in other people. Mm. And I reach out to ask them, are you okay?

I remember asking someone, I just felt something wasn't right. And when we finished the formal thing we're talking about, I now asked her, are you okay? She said, I'm okay. I said, no, you're not. You're not the person the way you, you can share it.

The problem shared is a problem have solve and she broke down. So I think one thing that we can do as people, whether we are in domestic violence institutions or we have been in domestic violence institutions, or we are no longer, or we've never been in a domestic violence institution, being more sensitive to those around us is a helpful way.

To help just, just knowing there's someone who cares. Because one thing that these situations do to you is, like you said, being unsafe and feeling like nobody cares. Cause  the words that you hear in your relationship is saying you are not valuable. Yeah. But when you see that someone who will take time out of their busy day to stop, to follow up with you, to check on.

It's so important, it's so valuable. It makes a whole lot of difference. So that's something that we can do. Even when we have our own mess that we're dealing with, it doesn't stop us from caring. My own challenges have made me more sensitive to other people's challenges. So, apart from the fact that  around you at work and through your work and even in other situations, you were able to see people going through domestic violence.,  you mentioned that you found yourself  having that experience, but you taught yourself just in time to end the.

Tell us what you did, how did you recognize it, and how did you catch yourself and end that cycle?

Mayra:  I was at the university. It was like the second year of the university. I was study law actually, and dating with this person who also was a student, the same program like me. But that violence or domestic violence even though we were just dating was different.

Like was new that  it was hard for me to recognize

I was actually with someone who was toxic. It was tricky because the way that that toxicity shows up was that he would not acknowledge me in front of others as a girlfriend. Like we were dating those subtle things. Mm-hmm. And then we will choose K now after classes so no one will know that we are together.

It was like hiding relationship that I didn't notice. So for me it was like, well, with his, their friends and we are okay. Right? But it was weird, right? Like how someone will deny you in front of others who diminish you, right? It was like when we were actually together at school. He will be like Talking to me like another person, you know what I mean? Not showing feelings, not showing emotions or kissing or whatever.

So that was a big sign for me to be honest. Like I wasn't aware until one friend was, telling me like, how come that you are together? And they never ha like, take each other friend at the head. How come he doesn't introduced you as your girlfriend? Right. And RI was like, well, he has his intentions.

 I don't see why it's, it's bad. You know what I mean? So it's, it's just a start like this, right? So simple things  and then become a point that we would just hang out in the night and in a park and then was like, yeah, I just feel like I don't have my space. I don't, I don't have my visibility as a girlfriend.

And all the time will deny my emotions. And then, it evolved into more narcissistic personality. Mm-hmm. In terms of like if we would have a discussion, the person will de will say, no, it's not my fault. It's your fault. You know what I mean? Like as lighting. And yeah. And, and I, I went to this toxic relationship, I think for three.

Until I start going to my personal process in counseling. So before landing to a counselor, because it took me a long time. So I hear when people might not.

Counselor. I mean, it takes a lot of courage to do it. But for me, my turning point to access to a counselor was that I was having suicidal thoughts. I was feeling alone. I was feeling disappointed denial as a girlfriend and also like having a family that wasn't really taking care of me or noticing what was happening with me.

I thought about it and I remember I just want to do a trigger warning for those who might be triggered for my comment, I hope that if you need to stop the recording, just do it. And if not, you can always reach out to crisis line to feel to have support. I, I, I attain a little bit, but I didn't really perform it.

Luckily, I acknowledge that I need support and I talk to a friend, so this is what's happening. I'm having suicidal thoughts. I'm feeling so alone. And she was so supportive and compassionate and, and she helped me and we went and find a counselor. So that was my journey and I start having the support that I needed and I start talking to someone in a safe space about how was I feeling about the relationship.

And to be honest having a safe space to talk was like the best for me. And. That helped me to see like, hey, this is not right. Like, that's the fact that someone is not recognizing you giving your space, you know, as a girlfriend is not okay. And after that, I just took the courage to close that it's not me. 

JKO:       So what you described. Basically emotional abuse. So everything was round, manipulating the way you feel about yourself and to get you to be more attached to them. I think that's one of the things that emotional abuse does.  Once again, when I talk about us being sensitive to others around us, it makes a whole lot of difference.

Your friend noticed, at first you didn't notice what was going on, but it was affecting you. But your friend said, why doesn't he talk to you like a girlfriend, and why doesn't he introduce you when you are out? Mm-hmm. And that trigger, The thought in your head. Mm-hmm. And you began to mm-hmm. See what you were going through.

So sometimes, many times in life we need someone else. That's why the Bible says it is not good for man to be alone. Many times we talk about it in marriage situations, but we cannot be without friends. The Bible also says, God said, the lonely in families. Friends are the first family we have before we go and call our father that is at work or our sister that is in another country.

So it's very important that we are friendly by looking out for the next person. So you started to go for counseling, and counseling made a whole lot of difference. And I see today you help other women heal. So can you tell us how you moved from being the one counseled to being the one helping others?

Now, what happened? What did you make that pivot? 

Mayra:  I mean, I love your questions cause they're so into the root of things. I mean definitely I needed to focus first on my feeling that I didn't, it was for me hard to acknowledge that something was off and something wasn't okay. And after taking be brave enough to do it right and, and going to counseling sessions, like even I remember that before putting this toxic relationship, I kept going to counseling until I was ready.

Actually, I was going to a grieving process of this toxic relationship before saying to the person in office enough, right, we need to end this. Like, I was going to make grief process before. Mm-hmm. So that when I feel ready, I just did it right. And I feel so good at empowerment and I feel like so good in and my confidence, like I, I have the control of myself, right? That this is who I am.

Like circumstances cannot determine who I am. I can't decide what I, who I want to be. So after like, you know, putting those pieces together on my healing,

Part, I don't know. I just feel like, you know what, it's, it's not just also me. I noticed that it's so normalized in society. I didn't know if I mentioned before, but I'm coming from Mexico, but it's so normalized there. In the context to note that to happen, domestic violence.

And when I was practicing as a law student, I noticed that a lot of clients, they were having that issue. Like we have a lot of women struggling with domestic violence. And asking support, right? To have protection orders because safety was an issue. The same with child support, spousal support and talking to people and clients led me to.

Like it relies like that's big. Like it happens and it's so normalized and how come we are not doing nothing about it? And even when I was a studying law, I had the opportunity to, you know, have friends that they were taking a lot of programs and contact with people working on the government.

And I even  realized that even people holding those positions in the government are while also experiencing domestic violence, like it's a big issue. You know what I mean? It's so hidden. So it gives me the power just to keep going and support women. And when I was in the process, you know, when you go in a legal process you need to talk to the person to see what they want to do, how they're feeling safe or not to do.

And all, all the legal procedures, right? But also will encourage my clients always to reach out for counseling support. Because even some of them we will navigate to go through a divorce and have the profession order for safety. But some clients, they will feel afraid about it and they will decide to not keep pursuing the divorce.

So it's a huge process for people, right? And that actually lead me to learn that actually as a lawyer, I wasn't doing too much. I was really helping people, but at the end of the day, there was something bigger, which is a piece that you mentioned, like healing the wounds, the trauma, the inner self. So then, that's how I become more passionate about, oh, there's another area that seems that it's more meaningful and deeply, which is healing the wounds healing the internal, the psych of the person. And then it's when I start thinking, oh, you know what? I feel that imo I will create more impact if I support by providing emotional support so they can heal those wounds and they can feel more empowered. 

JKO:       I want to take us back to something you said before. You said that when you were going through that relationship in the university, you felt you had a family situation where that part of your need wasn't also met. That's really compounded the issue. So, A woman that's listening to this podcast today who is in a very difficult situation but has a teenage daughter or son, is there any suggestion you can give that something that if you had had during that time it that made a difference that that woman in that situation today who is listening could use some practice that she could use to help her teenage child?

Her young child because what opened you up to this situation was that gap in the house. So, is there anything you could say to that?

Mayra:  I will say that I would like to have seeing my mom reaching out for help that will make a difference. Because if she will have some, she would notice that I wasn't doing okay, like I was having suicidal thoughts that I was in a toxic relationship. But the thing is, it's hard, right? But I will say that for those who are, listen, reach out for help and start healing yourselves because on the, on the instance where, Son or daughter noticed that you're doing something about it, that you're doing some healing, it's gonna impact in them. And and it's, it's so, it's so simple what I'm saying, but it's so powerful and I can give you an example.

So, When I was going to my healing process by si the counselor one time I have because my dad cheated on my mom a lot of times, which is part of the toxicity. And one time we have at home the husband of a woman that my dad was dating, right? And, sorry, this is like a drama. So Bella, you know, Bella.

So Pope so the person came to house and he was begging to us, and he was like crying, like, please tell to your dad to stop seeing my wife. I don't know what else I can do. And I remember that before attending the door, when my mom saw the person, he knew who he was, right? And she, she, she was in distress, like definitely, right?

So, Who might have seen that will be in the same way, right? She was in distress and so anger like what, what he's doing here. Can you see all  the pain that your daddy is causing. Right. And I remember her, and I remember being outside to the door, calm, listening to the person. And I just say, I hear what you're saying and it sounds like there's a little pain about what's going on, right? And, and I hear that. I'm just want to acknowledge that I'm the daughter and there's nothing that I can do.

Because you are asking me to do something that is not in my control. And the only thing that I can offer you, perhaps you need to see a counselor or a clinical psychologist or perhaps talk to someone who can for you better. So after that, the person was like in shock, like, like, that's so true, right?

She's the daughter, like, what I'm doing here, I need help. So the person was bit appreciation and, and he was feeling better. And all of a sudden after I came back to home, my mom just looking at me and say, I think that I need to go to the counselor. Wow. That's how powerful it is. When you are going through a healing process, it changes the way that you see things and somehow people can tell.

JKO:       What an amazing story. So helping yourself isn't just for yourself. No. It's a ripple effect. Yeah. Yeah. So in this case, it was the daughters helping herself that helped her mom. But as women that are listening to this episode that we have children and we're going through a hard time seeking help for ourselves helps us be better parents to our children, better daughters to our parents, better friends, to our friends, better colleagues to our work colleagues, and you better person all around. So that's why we're having the self-care series so that we can. Focus on caring for ourselves. So Myra, I want to ask you now, there's a woman listening to this episode who is in a difficult situation, cannot afford a counselor and what she can, is there something we can do in our spaces at home?

Mayra:  Okay,  I just want to explain quickly what is self-care in case that someone is not aware about? What is that? Right? When I came here, to be honest, this concept was new for me. I wasn't aware that exists and now I love it. So self-care is that practice that you can do by yourself and it can be free.

You don't need a lot of time. And that helps to support you in a way that makes you feel relaxed, in a way that makes you feel more connected within you, in a way that makes you feel safe or makes you feel grounded. So we have busy lives, we have challenging times, and even if we are not experiencing domestic violence, like life astrology by itself,

So you can do a lot of different things for self-care. The first principle is to do something that makes you feel relaxed. For some people or for myself, for instance, I would love to go outside for a walk, like just having five minutes, five minutes in nature. It's just a way to come back to the present, like, Hey, I'm here.

Like, oh, I can relax. So, or some people might drink a tea. Because they make them feel warm. They, they come back to the body, what I'm doing. So some people think about that. There's a misconception about self-care. Like self-care is going to your massage, having a food massage. Those things sound good, but it's not really self-care.

Self-care is something that it's really attending a need that you have. And what happens is that sometimes,  especially with domestic violence or body is so trigger it is so stressed and so tense. So one self care could be just going outside for a walk.  Another exercise that is so handy, I call it five, four, three, two, one grounding exercise. Even you can Google. And it's about finding five things. Just look at five things around you, right? Like right now I'm looking at my glass of water, my phone, my laptop, my screen, and I'm looking at my pants.

Five things, just notice five things. Then the number four is touching four things that are wrong, right? I'm, perhaps, I'm touching my t-shirt, I'm touching the table that I'm in. I'm touching my phone. How does it feel? I'm touching perhaps, I don't know, the wall. Just  four things. Number three is, Noticing the smell of three things.

Okay. Smell like the pizza that I have for lunch, that's one smell like my latte that I have here, and I can. Now the freshness of the outside from my window. So there are three things, right? And number two is about the noises that you can hear or sounds like right now I'm hearing my voice as number one and number two, perhaps I'm hearing the bird singing outside.

And one thing is the sense of taste. So past your saliva, the taste of saliva changes to the day, so you're gonna notice a difference. So grounding exercise helps you to be present when you notice that you are a spirally or you're like, oh, so anger about this, right? I don't get that, just pause and it helps you to bring it to the present. So you're like, huh, what's happening? Right? Or you're feeling more into your body. This growling exercise, you can do it any time. You can do it if you want twice per day. It's a matter of you. Another thing, and I noticed that you did it, do it.

You move your neck. You can just move your body. You can just shake your body. This a, a nice quick exercise. That actually a close friend, teach me it's called the earthquake exercise. So stand up and imagine that you're like a volcano, and that it slowly is kind of like shaking. So you start shaking a little bit. The, the legs, you're shaking your hips, you're shaking all the body, you're shaking the hands, you're shaking the head so as well, like just to calm down. Like if you're, so, you are having a hard time or you're gonna have a job interview, but there's some issues that you have with your family and you're so annoying about it, like, go to the washroom before going to that interview at the office, and she'll do the volcano and she'll shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, and let it go. And it works. 

JKO:       Fantastic. Those are so good. Very, very good. You see, we can do this anytime, anywhere in  our spaces. I'm really grateful for that, Mayra, because I just want us to be able to take something away. What can we do for ourselves? We don't have to go pay someone.

There are things we can do right where we are. So I really thank you for that. So I thank you because the fact that you shared your story with us and the healing. The healing that you are doing, the healing that you're doing for others. 

It's been a wonderful time with you, Mayra. I mean, I am so grateful. So if somebody wanted to reach  out to you to ask you a question or two about their situation, how can they reach you?

Mayra:  You can always reach out my email or LinkedIn, so by email. My email is Mara, my name, which is, you can spell it as m a y r a dot g o n. At outlook.com and you can just find your LinkedIn. My, my name, my first name, Mara, m a y r a. And my last name Gonzalez, g o n set, a l e set. Feel free to reach me out to those resources or places and yeah, I will be happy to, any questions that you might.

Or you, you unsure about where you can reach out for help? I have some knowledge about amazing nonprofits that they can provide support. 

JKO:       That's amazing. So in the show notes, I'm gonna have Mayra contact details. I'm gonna have links to the things she mentioned, the, the little exercises you can do and you can always re the podcast to listen to her and do those exercises in your spaces. It is amazing that we have these resources at our disposal because in the deepest time of my pain, I didn't know all those things. I used to think when this is self-care, you have to go and pay for response somewhere and travel somewhere.

But now self-care isn't just that. Some people go to expand it come back worse than they left. You can self-care right in your home. Thanks so much. Mayra. Go. Please give us your last words. 

Mayra:  I just want to say that you don't need to spend a lot of time on self-care.

That's one of the things, our challenges that I understand that we are busy, right? And that I know that perhaps the exercises might be simple like what I saying, right? How come I'm gonna shake my body?

How that is gonna change I'm feeling? I will just challenge you to do the volcano exercise. Just shake your body when you're having a hard day. Do it one minute, two minutes, or even play your favorite song and shake your body and see how that feels. I know that it's crazy, but I will challenge you to help the experience and just to see how you are feeling.

And even there's another study that says that you just go outside for a walk for a few that changes your mood and improves the way that you're focusing on your ideas. So don't believe me. Try by yourself. And so happy to be part of this amazing program. Thank you so much, Jud, and I hope that my experiences can also support others people experiencing some situations and see you.

JKO:       Thank you so much, Mayra. This has been an amazing time and you, you heard it here. You heard it from Mayra, and I must tell you that in my own life, I just found that, that just breathing, breathing deep breathing can change your perspective. It can calm your brain. It's scientific. Actually read the book, the body keeps the score.

That book describe what goes on in your brain when you take a deep breath. So sometimes it sounds so simple, but, we just found that that simple things actually work. So try it and let us know how  it went. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Messy Can Stop Her. See you next time.