Welcome back to this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, I am your host Judith Kambia Obatusa – J K O. Continuing our self care series, today, we will be discussing a topic that hits close to home for many women out there who find themselves trapped in abusive relationships—when a man treats you poorly and you blame it on his supposed lack of love for you. So, somehow in the situation, and in your subconscious, there is still that niggling thought that his mistreatment of you is something to do with you, there is the shadow of self blame lurking around to make it your fault. On today’s episode, we’re going to bust that harmful blame-shame belief that many of us in these situations face, and show you the truth that when a man mistreats you - it’s less about you and much more about him. Let’s get into it.
Picture this: You're standing in front of a beautiful painting, admiring its vibrant colors and intricate details. Suddenly, someone walks up beside you and says, "This painting isn't worth anything. It's just a mess of paint splatters." How would you feel?
Confused, right? You were just appreciating its beauty, and now someone is trying to make you question your perception. Well, that's exactly what happens when we say that our partner's mistreatment is because they don’t love you. Behind that saying is a thought that questions our worth and internalizes their opinions, which is like someone telling us that the masterpiece of our life is worthless.
Let us picture a second scenario: You're in a relationship with someone who consistently mistreats you, neglects your needs, or disrespects your boundaries. It's natural to question yourself and wonder, "Why doesn't he love me?" But let me tell you, my dear listener, it's time to shift the blame away from yourself and take a closer look at the person behind these actions.
Love is a beautiful and transformative force, but it requires self-love as its foundation. Research studies, such as the groundbreaking work by psychologist and relationship expert, Dr. Harville Hendrix, in his book "Getting the Love You Want," highlight the importance of self-love as the foundation for healthy relationships.
And when we talk about self-love as the foundation of healthy relationships, we’re saying each individual in the relationship has self-love. This is crucial because people who practice self-love understand how to surround themselves with healthy relationships. They put in the work that makes their relationships thrive.
If someone doesn't love themselves or lacks an understanding of what love truly entails, they cannot fully express it towards others, no matter how amazing and deserving you are. So, when someone abuses you, it’s not because they don’t love you, rather it is because they do not love themselves.
You may have the question: Why don’t they love themselves?
The focus of this episode is on your self care but let's peel back some of the layers and explore why some individuals struggle with self-love and fail to grasp the essence of genuine love.
Firstly, upbringing – Societal pressures and upbringing can lead to distorted ideas about love and prevent them from forming healthy and nurturing relationships. Dr. Brene Brown, renowned shame and vulnerability researcher reminds us in her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, that societal pressures and expectations can significantly impact how men perceive and express their emotions. The pressures to be stoic, independent, and in control often overshadow their ability to cultivate self-love and understand the depths of love itself.
Secondly, unresolved personal issues and traumas, many times from their upbringing, can affect how individuals view themselves and others. Someone who carries deep wounds may inadvertently project their pain onto those closest to them, manifesting as mistreatment or emotional unavailability. Psychologist Dr. John Bowlby's attachment theory sheds light on the impact of early life experiences on an individual's ability to form healthy relationships. Childhood traumas or neglect can hinder one's emotional growth, leading to struggles in expressing love and empathy. It's important to remember that the actions of an abusive partner are not a reflection of your worth, but a reflection of their own inner struggles.
It's crucial to understand that love is a two-way street. In a healthy relationship, both partners contribute to its growth and well-being. But when abuse enters the picture, it distorts the meaning of love, leaving victims feeling undeserving and responsible for their partner's actions.
Now that we understand the root causes, let's shift our focus to how we can care for ourselves when we find ourselves in a relationship with an abuser and leaving is not an option for us.
Before we delve deeper, let's take a moment to reflect on the words of Maya Angelou, who beautifully said, "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." These words hold significant meaning when we're confronted with mistreatment in the name of love. Prioritizing your self-care in these situations instead of trying to analyze why the person is not showing you love and somehow blaming yourself is very very important to your wellbeing. As Maya Angelou also said, “You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them”
So the first step towards self-care when in an abusive relationship is to Cultivate self-love. In an abusive relationship, our own self-worth and self-esteem can become entangled with our partner's love and approval. We start seeking external validation to validate our own worth. When that love and approval are withheld, we question ourselves and wonder what we did wrong. But remember, your worth is not determined by someone else's love or lack thereof. So, make yourself a priority and engage in practices that promote self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-care. Drawing from the wisdom of author Louise Hay and her book "You Can Heal Your Life," practicing affirmations and self-compassion can help rewire negative self-perceptions and foster a deep sense of self-love.
Step two is to Set boundaries. Boundaries are essential for preserving your mental and emotional well-being. Communicate your needs clearly and assertively, and don't settle for less than you deserve. Drawing inspiration from Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend's book "Boundaries," learn to communicate your needs clearly and assertively. Establishing and upholding healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining your mental and emotional well-being, and it ensures that you are treated with the respect and love you deserve.
Lastly, let's debunk the myth that you are responsible for someone else's self-love journey. It's not your job to fix or change someone who isn't ready or willing to grow. Your worth is not defined by their ability to love or understand love.
Don’t ever forget this: You are worthy of love and respect, just as you are. You deserve a relationship built on trust, kindness, and equality. It's time to let go of the blame - shame analysis and start reclaiming your power.
This wraps up another episode in our self-care series. I hope today's discussion, backed by research, insightful books, and inspiring quotes, empowers you to prioritize self-love, set healthy boundaries, and remember that the way others treat you is a reflection of their own journey. As always, thank you for tuning in.
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Remember, love begins within. As you embrace self-care and nourish your own well-being, messy won’t stop you.