This episode tackles the difficult topic of being married to a Christian of convenience. We explore the emotional toll and offer practical strategies for self-care, maintaining your faith, and building a safe and loving environment for yourself and your children. Join us as we navigate the complexities of this situation, offering honest advice and a glimmer of hope for those feeling alone and confused.
You are not alone. There is hope.
References in this episode
Join the Messy Can't Stop Her Sisterhood at https://www.facebook.com/groups/3204395256540448/
If you would love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here to let me know.
Thank you so much for listening.
Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter
This episode tackles the difficult topic of being married to a Christian of convenience. We explore the emotional toll and offer practical strategies for self-care, maintaining your faith, and building a safe and loving environment for yourself and your children. Join us as we navigate the complexities of this situation, offering honest advice and a glimmer of hope for those feeling alone and confused.
You are not alone. There is hope.
References in this episode
Join the Messy Can't Stop Her Sisterhood at https://www.facebook.com/groups/3204395256540448/
If you would love to share your story on the #MessyCantStopHer podcast, click here to let me know.
Thank you so much for listening.
Music Credit: https://indiefy.me/wanted-carter
Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast where we get real about the tangled threads of faith and life. I am your host Judith Kambia Obatusa – JKO.
Today, we're talking about a topic that many people in the church may find difficult to discuss openly. This issue is one of the reasons you sometimes see the children of Christians grow up and refuse to follow the faith of their parents. It happens among other faiths, but Christianity is what I am more familiar with because that is the faith I profess.
On today’s episode, we are going to discuss: being married to a Christian of convenience. It’s a situation that can be emotionally taxing, spiritually challenging, and downright heartbreaking. So, if you’re in this boat, know that you’re not alone. Let’s talk about it.
Picture this: a husband who prays, attends church faithfully, and speaks fluent christianese – those slangs that seem to be the language of believers. On the surface, everything seems aligned with the teachings of Christianity. But beneath that facade lies a stark reality - a marriage struggling to find its footing in the midst of hypocrisy and neglect.
The Christian of convenience - this is the guy who seems devout in public but whose actions at home contradict his faith.
He might also be emotionally unavailable. This means he struggles to connect with you on an emotional level. He may not be open about his feelings, avoid physical intimacy, or offer little to no emotional support. He is so distant; he leaves you feeling alone and questioning your own beliefs.
This might be the husband who never lifts a finger around the house, who uses jealousy as a weapon, and whose words cut deeper than any knife. He might even gaslight you, making you question your own sanity.
You know the type – they pray before meals, sit in the church pew every Sunday, throw around Bible verses, sometimes in positions of authority in the church and wider community; they may even be a mentor to others but at home, their actions paint a completely different picture.
Being married to a Christian of convenience can feel like an emotional rollercoaster. One moment, you’re uplifted by their words of prayer, and the next, you’re drowning in a sea of hurtful actions and neglect. It’s confusing, disheartening, and can leave you questioning your own faith and worth.
Marriage to a Christian of Convenience can chip away at your peace and faith.
If you're stuck in this situation, feeling alone and confused, this episode is for you. Now, I'm not here to tell you what to do. Every relationship is unique. But I can offer some honest advice and a little hope.
The truth is that Christianity is not about showmanship. It is about love, compassion, and treating others with respect – especially your family. The Bible is filled with verses about how husbands should love their wives, and it is not conditional love based on his whims. The Message translation of Ephesians 5:25 says - Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.
Being married to a Christian of convenience can be really hard, but there’s hope. From those who have gone ahead of us, here are some actions you can take to navigate the complexities of marriage when your partner’s actions don’t align with their professed beliefs. Here is how you can thrive in the situation while staying true to yourself and nurturing your well-being, right there in your own home.
Let us start by stating the fact - you cannot change him, but you can control your own actions and reactions. Focusing on what you can control is the wisest thing you can do.
The next thing is to acknowledge and validate your feelings. This is crucial because of the burden of guilt that can be placed on a woman in this situation through gaslighting. You are not wrong for feeling hurt, frustrated, or disillusioned. Your emotions are valid, and it’s okay to feel them fully. If you are a woman in this kind of marriage, I want you to say after me – I am not wrong for feeling hurt, frustrated, or disillusioned. My emotions are valid.
Now let us look at strategies that you can apply to help you.
In the Moment Strategies: These are actions you can take in moments of tension or when
Guarding Your Peace: I remember my mentor, Mrs. ‘Debola Jaiye-Ojo, telling me how important guarding my peace was. When I started working with her counsel, my life changed and I took off the toga of victimhood and wore the royal robes of the Queen that God called me to be. To guard your peace you need to focus on 3 things:
· Proverbs 3:5-6: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
· 1 Thessalonians 5:11: "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as you are already doing."
· Isaiah 40:29: "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
Building Your Inner Sanctuary:
Staying Faithful: As you navigate the challenging waters of marriage to a Christian of convenience, remember to stay faithful in your own Christian walk. Galatians 6:9 encourages us, "Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Keep the faith, cling to God’s promises, and persevere in righteousness. It may a bit hard but keep on doing your:
· Daily Devotion: Devote time to your own faith journey. Start your day with a devotional or scripture reading. You can get a printed devotional or use an app like YouVersion as a guide. Spend the time focusing on connecting with God.
· Worship: Find a church community that uplifts you. Surround yourself with positive influences who embody Christian values.
· Prayer: The Bible says in Philippians 4:6-7, Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Pray for yourself, your children, and even your husband. Pray for God's guidance and strength and most especially for wisdom with a heart of faith remembering what James 1:5 says: If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. Remember what
Focus on Creating Wellbeing for Yourself and Children: Focus on fostering a nurturing environment for yourself and your children. You have the power to cultivate a sense of wellbeing within your own home. Fill your space with positive energy, surround yourself with uplifting reminders of God’s love, and nurture a spirit of gratitude in your daily life.
· Positive spaces: Create spaces where you can find peace and tranquility in your home. Places where you can get moments of solace within your home. For example, a prayer closet. Find a space in your home, even a small corner, to create a prayer closet. Like the name suggests, this can be a literal closet. This is your sacred space for quiet reflection and conversation with God. It could also be a cozy corner for reading, or if you have one, your garden can become a serene place for you to relax and reflect.
· Moments of Joy: Create moments of joy and connection within your home through shared meals, family activities, or bedtime rituals that cultivate a sense of security and love.
Sometimes, we need to step out of our familiar surroundings to gain clarity and perspective. So, consider embarking on a journey of self-discovery and healing, such as the Healing the Heart retreat taking place from May 13 to 17 in the Island of Tobago. In this serene environment, surrounded by the beauty of nature and guided by experienced mentors, you can delve deep into your innermost thoughts and emotions, uncovering the strength and resilience within you.
The Healing the Heart retreat will be a life-changing experience. It's an investment in yourself, your well-being, and your ability to navigate tis challenging situation.
It is possible to surmount the challenge of being married to a Christian of convenience.
Before we part ways today, I want you to know that your worth is not defined by his behavior. You are a strong, capable woman created in God's image. Don't let his shenanigans dim your brilliance.
Changing your composure and reaction to his ways could be a wake-up call for him. But even if it's not, you can create a safe and loving environment for yourself and your children, while drawing strength from your faith and the world around you.
If you're struggling, please reach out for help. We've included the link to learn more and register for the Healing the Heart retreat in the show notes of this episode.
Remember, you have the power to find peace and empowerment, even in the midst of challenging circumstances. When you do this, Messy Won't Stop You. Thank you so much for listening. See you nest time.