The Danger of a Single Story: unCreating the Life that You do not Want

All it takes is a single story to make or break your life. What is the single story you’re telling yourself? JKO shares the three things you can do to change that single story and create the life that you desire.

References in this episode

The Danger of a Single Story TED Talk

Mathew 12:34b

Numbers 14:28

Michael Hyatt

Transcript

Welcome to this episode of Messy Can't Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women's resilience through chaos, crisis and the challenges of life. I am your host. Judith Kambia Obatusa. J-K-O. 

Thank you so much for choosing this podcast out of all the other podcasts you could be listening to. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. Thank you for your feedback. I want to say I appreciate you. 

On today's episode, I want to talk about the danger of a single story. The TED talk by this title given by Chimamanda Adichie, renowned novelist, is one of the most viewed TED Talks with over 32 million views. In that talk, she talks about how a single story about a people can influence the way you think about them. And you should not judge people by a single story. There's a quote in that talk that I want to just say before we go into today's episode – “Show a people as one thing, as only one thing, over and over again. And that is what they become.”

Today I like to talk about the danger of your single story about yourself. You know how when certain things happen, you raise up your hand in exasperation and say it's the story of my life. Many times, it's negative. That single story about yourself that has been formed from the experiences you've had, from things you've been told from childhood, either by a teacher or teachers, your parents or your husband, or significant other, or even anyone. That single story that has stuck in your mind that makes you judge yourself. I mean, you keep yourself in the box of that single story. Take a moment and think about the single story. 

The single story, I talk too much. The single story, you are too emotional. The single story, I don't really know technology. That single story, tech things are not they're not my thing or math is so hard for me. Many single stories… Think about your single story about yourself.

Our lives and stories waiting to be told to others. But the stories of our lives start with the stories we are telling ourselves.

There's something called the halo effect. So once you form an opinion about a person, then you judge them based on your initial belief about them. So when we raise up our hands in exasperation and say oh, the story of my life, so you believe that. For example, your story is nobody loves me, that when something happens You judge that experience by your story about nobody loves me. And because that's the story you're telling yourself, that's what you're going to see in all, most of your relationships. And even when somebody loves you, you can't believe them because the truth in your heart is that nobody loves you. 

So I'm going to talk to somebody who is in a situation in their life that is very uncomfortable. For example, you're in a relationship and you're really unhappy. Maybe it's domestic violence. And I'm not really talking about somebody that they are beating on every day. We're talking of the most common part, type of domestic violence - emotional discomfort, emotional abuse. You are in a place where people may be telling you to leave, and you know that you are not able to leave because of some things in your life. And you're in this relationship for years and you're telling yourself that this is all that you deserve. You're believing the lies you're hearing about how stupid you are, about how unsightly you look because you gained weight, how irritating you are because this person says you're irritating. And you're looking around you and many other things are not going well. Your finances may be in a dump, your children may be struggling, you've been betrayed. People are hurting you left, right and center. And these things are reinforcing what this person is saying to you all the time, that you're stupid and no one cares about you because they are acting like they don't care about you. And you believe the story and it colors your life because that's what those stories do. They colour the way we see, they colour the way we relate to others. Because this person is treating you this way, you believe no one cares about you. Because this person is acting the way they are acting, and they're doing it every day. You're still in that situation. 

But can I challenge you to think differently in your heart? Be like that young man whose father said, “Sit down”, and he sat down and told him that “even though I'm sitting down, I'm standing up in my heart.”

You may be in a situation that you cannot change, but there's one thing that you can change, that’s your mind. It's the way you're thinking about yourself. So how do I change my single story? The single story I've carried from childhood, the single story that seems to be the life I am living right now. How do I change it? 

First of all, identify what your story is.

Let me tell you something. I used Nobody loves me as an example, that was my single story. When I was in the university, I would cry and cry and cry. Nobody loves me. My friends will try to tell me, try to comfort me, and I will cry deep, heartbreaking tears. My worst days were my birthdays because on my birthdays, for some reason, I don't get what I desire. People even forget my birthdays. And then I'll cry and cry on my birthdays. My last birthday in the university, my fellowship had like a party for me. I celebrated and it was so wonderful. But do you think I remembered that when I left university when I would cry about Nobody loves me. My mother died when I was six years old. And all my life I felt like because I didn't have a mother, I was different from others. I didn't have what others had. I didn't have somebody who cared for me. 

But it wasn't all true, right? But this was a thought in my heart. And the more I thought that nobody loved me, the more I saw that nobody loved me. And the more experience I experienced nobody loving me. And even people who loved me, I still thought they didn't love me enough. There's something they are waiting to see so they can turn their backs the way others have turned their back on me. And I entered a relationship and I began to live my nobody loves me life until crowd and Epiphany I heard words like, I'm speaking to you now. I started to apply them because I got to the point of my life. I'm like, I have to. Something needs to change. There must be more to my life than this one. I have now. And I'm listening and I'm hearing that your thoughts become things. Your thoughts determine the life that you have. And I've been hearing this for years and I never applied it. If you want a good tomorrow today, you have to change your thinking and talking.

I've been a Christian for many years of my life. And one of the things the Bible says is, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. And in the Book of Deuteronomy, the Lord was talking to the people of Israel. He said, as surely, as you have spoken in my ear, so I will do to you. So from your heart you speak, and what you speak, you experience. As long as I said, nobody losing them, I'll be seeing it. And it's an unending cycle of pain. 

So first of all, I had to start from inside of me. I am lovable. So when I was thinking Nobody loves, nobody loves me, I saw why nobody loves me. I looked at myself, yeah, they don't love me. See, I talk too much, cry too much, and I was good. But when I began to change the narrative, my narrative, my single story, I am lovable. I am lovable because I am kind, I'm caring. That being emotional made me empathetic and compassionate and willing to go the extra mile for others. I was selfless. I am selfless. And so I understood that what I had been looking at, because people said people who had their own issues said I'm too emotional. It's what makes me uniquely wonderful to be on Earth and thrive on Earth. So I began to love my emotional self. I began to love my sensitivity. I've been very sensitive. I can enter a place and feel. I feel before I hear, and that's okay. I think while talking. I talk my thoughts out. And in doing that, I find my solutions, and that's okay. Those are things that I didn't like about myself, because I'm like, nobody loves me. So it's my fault that nobody loves me because of XYZ. 

I began to see myself, who I was, and to love the person that I was. I began to meet people who celebrate those things that I had been told. And all good. My sensitivity, my emotions. I stopped listening to outside. Listening outside. I realized that it was my responsibility to change my inside story, my single story about myself. I am more than a single story, just like you. You are more than a single story. You are not the story of the mistake you made yesterday. And even you're not even the story of the mistake you're making tomorrow. You are a person of many parts. Yes, you cry easily, but that's also because you feel easily. So you have compassion. 

Yes, you say what you're feeling, and that's great. I'd rather have you as my friend than the one who smiles at me and doesn't say what they're feeling and they go and stab me in the back. Some people are your people. All people are not your people. So if somebody acts like they're not your person, don't take it personal. They're not your person. 

Okay? So that was my story and my story is now different. So I have a community of friends, people who appreciate the person that I am. I want to tell you what you can do to change your story. First of all, identify your story. What's that story you keep telling yourself? Like me, is it nobody loves me too? Or not smart enough, not wise enough, not good enough? Whatever your story is, identify it.

Let me go into what I'll talk about. Listening to your heart. Identify it. Take a moment for yourself. If you have to. Put on calming music like the classics, Beethoven, those just music that is calm. Mozart, something calm. Kenny G, something calming. And have a moment with yourself. Just to analyze the things you're thinking. Identify it. Why am I responding like this? What is happening? Then analyze where your current story is coming from. 

The day my mother died, I was six years old. I got up and I saw people in the house. Lots of people were in my grandmother's house. And I was like I walked to them. My heart told me my mother was dead. I don't know why. And I walked to the women, group of women that were whispering there. And I'm like, is my mother dead? And instead of embracing me, they said go away, they screamed at me to keep quiet. Oh Lord. And that was the beginning of my story. Nobody cares about me. And I burst into tears cause that moment I confirmed the thought in my heart that my mother was dead. How did I know that my mother was dead? I would never know. And that's how sensitive I am. I'm still like that. 

I remember when I was in University, I entered a room downstairs in our hotel and my friend’s room. And I'm like, this night looks like a night at this home around and I went upstairs, I went to bed and this came to a hostel and in fact when I woke up I was terrified I was terror stricken on my bed. That moment I woke up they were in my block, in my flat down the corridor on that corridor. 

So I am sensitive but I wasn't conscious of who I was so I didn't use my strength.

So identify your story, that story, analyze where it's coming from. Mine came from that moment when I found out I felt my mother was dead and instead of caring, they shut me up and other things began to happen to me because my mother was now dead and they installed that story. More things happened to install the story that nobody loves me because now I was a motherless girl and I was different. Because those that had mothers got certain kinds of privileges that I didn't get. But my dad tried his best, single dad of three daughters losing the love of his life. 

Then when you analyze where your story is coming from, you choose your new story. So Nobody loves me became I am lovable, I'm good enough to be loved, I deserve to be loved. And then be conscious of what story you're telling yourself every time. 

So when you're getting into oh my goodness, I was good at pity parties, I could throw big ones. If you want someone to throw you a pity party, call me, I can help. I got years, decades of experience throwing pity parties for myself. So be conscious of what story you're telling yourself per time. So when you're going into the pity party place, catch yourself before you go too deep and then remind yourself of your new story. These are things we have to do intentionally. 

After all, when you look at the life you have, it was created by the story you told or you're telling now. Change that story so that tomorrow you can have the life you dream of. What life do you dream of? You are in a domestic violence situation and you're unable to live right this moment. What is the future that you desire? See, I know what it's like to not be able to dream. These situations make it like I can’t dream. But once your ability to dream is taken away from you, then you have no ability to create the future you desire. So I am challenging you today, just take one back to your single story and just begin to change it. And as you begin to change it inside there will be brightness. 

Today I can dream again. Today I can sit down and see a future that is amazing and today I can act towards the future that I desire? Because I'm no longer bound in the chains of my negative single story. So today I'm here to say change your story and change your life. 

There's a man that I just discovered. His name is Michael Hyatt. He says “you can either live life based on past experiences, current feelings, or the truth.” He's a leadership development coach. I'm going to put -a link to him in the show notes. I have changed those words to “You can either live life based on past experiences, current circumstances or future possibilities.” 

Let me tell you something. A good future is possible despite the chaos, crisis, or challenge that you're living in right now. Be intentional about changing your story. Because when you change your story, messy won't stop you. 

Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her. See you next time.