Welcome to this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, the podcast where we share the stories of women's resolutions through chaos, crisis and life challenges. I am your host, Judith Kambia Obatusa J-K-O.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month in the United States. In Canada, it is May. However, sexual assault doesn't take place only in April or May. It's something that is ongoing, every day, everywhere in the world.
If you know me, you know that domestic violence awareness and prevention is something I'm passionate about. And sexual assault is quite similar in a way to domestic violence because domestic violence many times has sexual assault involved. Like domestic violence, sexual assault is a gendered crime, meaning that persons of a particular gender bear more of the brunt of the incidence of sexual assault in domestic violence. It's women and in sexual assault it’s also women. Actually, women are victimized at a higher rate than men, 37 incidents per thousand women and five incidents per thousand men. Victims of sexual assault are often young women who know their assailants. So most sexual assaults are perpetrated by a relative, family member, friend, or someone known to the victim. In fact, 85% to 90% of victims of sexual assault know their abuser.
To buttress my point about the connection between sexual assault and domestic violence. In a previous episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, Debbie talked about being raped by her husband at that time as part of the domestic violence experience that she had in her marriage. I'll put the links to that episode in the Show Notes.
In this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, I would love to talk about how we can brace the broken, how we can help people suffering in domestic violence.
On April 9, a very popular gospel singer, worship leader known as Osinachi Nwachukwu in Nigeria died from injuries that she received from her husband, who has been abusing her for some time. Before she died, she was in the hospital for some days. Her husband has been known to abuse his wife, people in the industry knew this, family knew this, friends knew this. And because of her husband's abuse psychological, financial and physical, this wonderful woman could not actually benefit from the talent that God had given her as much as she would have.
She sang the song called Ekwueme. Ekwueme means the one that says it and does it, He's a keeper of his word. It's an exhortation of God's faithfulness in keeping his word. She did the song with another gospel musician and worship leader, Prospa and since 2017 when Prospa posted it on his YouTube channel, the song has garnered over 72 million views. Many opportunities that she had to expand her reach, to be rewarded for her craft, to collaborate with other people, he didn’t let her take advantage of it, her husband did not let her take advantage of it. Now the stories are coming out, but now she’s dead. That's why I'm saying she didn't even benefit as much as she could have from her own talent that God gave to her because of this marriage. And people knew.
Osinachi is not going to be the first person to have been killed in a domestic violence situation. For many people, they may not lose their lives, but they could lose their livelihood, they could lose their living. And so instead of living life, they exist because of the psychological damage, the trauma, and sometimes even physical outcomes of the abuse. High blood pressure in some cases have come from being abused. People have physical heartbreak. There are studies that show that your heart can be physically broken because of the trauma that you're going through. You just give up on life and you die. The person just dies, the heart just gives up because they can't go on.
You see, the issue of domestic violence has far-reaching effects and we all have a part to play in supporting someone going through it so that they come out of it without losing who they are. On Messy Can’t Stop Her, We've had several episodes where women have referred to leaving domestic violence situations. When someone dies in it, people ask, why didn't she leave? And I just want to talk about a few things that we can change so that they leave.
So I'm going to take different parts of this conversation. I'm going to look at how we as individuals can support. We as supervisors can support, and we as the Church can support. And I'm very focused on the Church for a reason, which I will go into later.
As an individual, how can I support, how can I help her when she leaves?
I was in a group, and someone was talking about a person who was going through something and someone mentioned said, “oh, don't tell her to leave, because if you tell her to leave when they make up, they'll use you as the conversation piece.” And that's not the first time I'm hearing I hear it a lot. People say, protect yourself. Don't let them know that you're telling her to leave. I'm of another school of thought. It's better to tell the person than to tell them 20 years after that, “I knew you should have left” because then it's of no use damage has been done. The Bible tells us that if we know someone is doing something wrong and we don't tell them their blood is upon our head. That's why I say that we should tell the person to leave. If we think they should leave, we should tell them the truth, not harshly say it in a way that the person will be able to take it. You don't have to say they should leave directly. You can ask them leading questions and they can decipher it. You don't say, oh, pack and leave. If you know you're not going to have them pack and leave, don't tell them to pack and leave. Don't be 2000 miles away telling me to leave if you're not going to support the process. So say what you can support though. And if you have resources. If you know, like domestic violence shelters, if you know counsellors, give those support to the person, that's a way to support the person. And then most especially when they leave, support them through the process. That's why I said, say what you can support, say what you can support. Because people that are in these situations are broken emotionally. Sometimes they don't even remember everything. They have a hard time remembering. They have a hard time being emotionally strong to take a decision to move forward. So they need that support. So be compassionate. Be empathetic. If you want to support someone, you don't know what to do. If you Google, there are lots of resources. If you call a domestic vanish, just say, I know my friend is going to do work and I don't tell you what to do. They advise you, domestic violence shelters, domestic violence support organizations, they are so willing to give support. If you call and ask, you don't have to be the victim. You can be a friend of the victim. Call and find out how you can help.
In the Bible, there is a story in the book of Mark, chapter two. It tells the story of a man who was a paraplegic bedridden. Jesus was in a house and the place was packed full. The door was packed with people, windows everywhere. And this paraplegic, his friends brought him on his bed or a stretcher. And when they got there, they saw that the doors and the windows were all parked with people. There was no way in for them. They now climbed the roof, removed the roofing sheets and brought the man down in the middle where Jesus was standing. And when Jesus, the Bible tells us, when Jesus saw their faith, he was moved with compassion. And he said to the man, rise up, take your bed and walk. And the man got up and got healed. It was not the man's faith that healed him, it was his friend's faith. That's why I said, do not say “Jesus is in that place, you should go there and get healing.” No, “let me take you to where Jesus is. I heard he heals.” That's what you do to support someone going through a messy situation. You don't just say, you give practical support.
And as a supervisor at work, there is a big role you can play to help someone going through a hard time. If you see a subordinate, someone who works with you, going through something, that's not the time to start giving them queries, start making their life at work horrible. Drive them to the point that they have to maybe take a stress leave or maybe resign when they were not planning to resign, take away their source of income from them. That's a time to support them. Domestic violence is a deep wound. It leaves cars. People need support.
On a May 2007 episode of Oprah Winfrey Show, a woman called Susan Still was featured in that episode. She was in a domestic violence situation. Her husband was so mean and cruel to her, he even made her kids be mean and cruel to their mom. So they called her names. He would call them and tell them to call her names. And when he's abusing her, he normally likes to record it. In a particular video, the last video that broke the camel's back, it was a 51 minute video which her first son was asked by his dad to record, using the video camera, everything he was doing and saying to their mom. And the boy recorded this 51-minute video. When they got to court, the judge said it was not the 51-minute video that swayed the jury. It was the cataloguing of her incidents by her boss, her supervisor. So at work, the supervisor noticed something wasn't right with her and tried to get her to talk. And after some time, she eventually opened up after a very, very long while. But every time she came with a bruise, with something not coming to work, different incidents. The boss catalogued it. It was that catalogue that swayed the court to put the man behind bars. So as a supervisor, you can play a role in supporting a woman going through domestic violence. She's already perfected by life. She already knows rejection. She knows rejection as a matter of the life she lives. She knows disrespect and discouragement disappointment. You don't have to add to it. She needs to have a place. I know you have all these stories about why it's job, blah, blah, blah. But we can't go to work and leave our hearts at home. We must go to work with our hearts. We must be compassionate first to those we work with, before we say we're changing the world of the people we serve.
Osinachi Nwachukwu, according to stories, says she didn't want to leave because God hates divorce. I have discovered from studying the word of God and from having conversations with the God who created me, from listening to the Holy Spirit, that God hates divorce, but He loves us more than He hates divorce. He gave his only son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross so that we don't stay in bondage. So he does not want us to live in bondage in the name of marriage in a domestic violence situation, so that we don't get divorced. He would rather relieve bondage because he loves us so much. He gave his son to die to deliver us from bondage. He doesn't want us in bondage. Separate, move away is not divorce. Go to a place of safety, is not divorce. Go and get healed and whole again, is not divorce. Churches have a huge role to play in changing the trajectory of domestic violence among Christians.
First of all, when a woman comes to tell you as a pastor or an elder of a Church about what she's going through in her marriage, don't start telling her to go and submit. Don't start telling her to go and change the way she dresses. Be a mistress in the bedroom, be a Madam in the whatever. Be a Cook in the kitchen and all of that. If you listen to her and you see where her husband needs to work on, tell him directly. Don't beg him. Don't beg him to love the wife he covenanted to love. Tell him what the Bible says about the role of the man. If he dies in domestic violence being the abuser, he will go to hell. And that's the hell you're preaching, saying people don't need to go to. Why will you let the man go to hell?
Don't punish the woman for sharing what's going on in her house. A friend of mine told me how she told her Church about what was going on, financial abuse that was taking place in her marriage. They brought her and her husband for a meeting. The man came for the meeting, and when he came for the meeting, he walked out of the meeting without doing what they agreed they should do. And instead of dealing with the man, what did they do? My friend that was in the choir, that was also in other ministries, help ministries in the Church. They told her to step down from the ministries and eventually they took away the only thing she had to connect her, to keep her in Church. And luckily she didn't turn away from the faith, she left and went to another Church. Why will you do that?
Yeah, the Bible says that you cannot be in leadership if your home is not together. I don't think that's what should be used to judge the woman. It should be used to judge the man who is an abuser, who is making his home not to be together, not the woman who is fighting for her home to be together and has asked you to come in to help. You have to support the woman, support her. It has to be practical support, though.
In Nigeria, they used to talk about families that, “oh, this family, they don't take nonsense. If they give you their daughter, they always tell their daughters, you still have your room in the house.” And if you mess with your daughter, they will come to your house and take their daughter back physically; help her pack her things and move her back home. That's what the Church should be. The Church should be that family that no one can mess with their child. After all, the Church is called the family of God. In the Bible. Bible says God sets the lonely in families. We come to Church to have a family. I remember when I was in the University in the fellowship, they used to tell us that the blood of Jesus is stronger than the blood of our siblings, the blood of our mom and dad, if it is true that the blood of Jesus is the most powerful blood of all, the most cohesive blood of all, why will you treat people in Church who are suffering as people that will be left to flounder and find your way while you tell them we are praying for you?
I do know a Church in Canada, in British Columbia, in Greater Vancouver, who are not like that. They are practical. They come into the house, help you, move you, and settle you somewhere else. They don't tolerate abuse in the marriages. That's what that Church does. Churches need to learn from them, and they are a young Church. They are not a megachurch, but they get it.
Instead of spending all your money running to other countries to change the lives of the people in the countries when your Church members are going through, have a fund in place that you can use to rent a house for a woman who is being abused, put her there and get her counseling. Give her all the support she needs to see if she can stand on her feet. Because one thing that makes me say in marriages that are killing them is they don't have money, they don't have support. So churches need to invest in changing the trajectory of domestic violence.
One of the things I do is, I do workshops and programs to create awareness about domestic violence and also prevent it, especially in the faith community. So I have different programs. The impact of domestic violence on children, the role of men in building their homes, in making their homes violence-free and prosperous. There are different topics that we address in these workshops. We have family-building activities as part of these workshops. So if you're a Church, a leader in a Church, please DM me and I can come in and have these conversations. Many times Churches don't want to talk about it. They don't want to who rebel? The cats? They don't want to ruffle feathers. But will you wait till people die? And actually, there are people dying. People are dying from sicknesses caused by domestic violence. Ulcers, high blood pressure, heart attacks, strokes, the root cause being domestic violence.
It's time for the Church to be at the forefront of the fight against the trauma, the generational, intergenerational trauma, the intergenerational limitations that are being brought upon Christian homes by domestic violence. It's time for pastors to say, we're done. It's time for women groups to say, no. It's time for Deacons, Deaconesses, elders to say, let's talk about it. You have to talk about it, and I can help you talk about it. And please reach out to me. I am very passionate about this because I have seen the impact on families where children are being swallowed up by evil because their homes are not stable. Where we spend energy that we can use in building, in building new legacies, we spend that energy running around trying to salvage our children Trying to salvage ourselves, our mental health from destruction because of domestic violence.
So I just want to encourage you to please let's not be quiet, let's brace the broken among us. Let's stand up for those who can't stand, let's speak up for those who can talk for themselves. So if you're a person, Just a friend, A family member or you're a supervisor at work or you're a Church leader, Please let's not have another Osinachi, let's not have another death before we all start going into social media to talk, talk, talk and at the end, nothing changes. It's time to say no to the lives that have been lost to the destinies that have been truncated to the potential that have been buried because of domestic violence.
So that's my little conversation with you today and I’ll really appreciate it if you could just send me a message, Give me a comment about this. I really want us to talk about it and please, can you just do me a favor of sharing this episode with at least one person? Share it in forums where you belong. Share it so that people can know what they can do to support. We have to have selfless help especially when we say we are Christians. The Bible talks about this in the book of John, Chapter 13, verse 35. In the Amplified version It says, by this shall men know that you are my disciples. By your love and unselfish concern for others. Selfless love not about your ego not thinking “oh, I've been disrespected.” Because let me tell you, when you come in to try and support a family the likelihood of you being disrespected by the perpetrator Is very high and why do they do this? To create more isolation to make sure that you don't come back. But please bust their bubble and come back, because they thrive, evil thrives in isolation. Don't let them isolate this woman and kill her.
So please help me rate and review this podcast so that we can improve our ranking; So that we can do better and we can reach more people. The whole idea about improving ranking is So that more people can get to listen, to learn and to apply. Keep on supporting and helping and changing our world, one person at a time.
Thank you so much for listening to this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her and be that brace for the broken. Because when you do this, Messy Can’t Stop Us.
Have a good day and Take care.