When two elephants fight, the grass suffers. This ancient African proverb of the Kikuyu people, a tribal group in Kenya, encapsulates the impact of domestic violence on children in seven words. One way that children suffer the collateral damage of domestic violence is from Attachment Disorders. This has been discussed in previous episodes of Messy Can’t Stop Her, its presentations are so serious and life altering that I am sharing some additional information about it on today’s episode.
Medical News Today defines an attachment disorder as a type of mood or behavioral disorder that affects a person’s ability to form and maintain relationships.
Attachment Disorders are so concerning that those who have it, meet the criteria for being federally disabled under the disability act both in Canada and US.
Can you imagine causing an avoidable disability in your child’s life because you did not know better?
Imagine that. Attachment disorders are a very serious life impacting and possibly debilitating parent/caregiver inflicted disorder that is completely avoidable. This is why I am highlighting it further and sharing updated information as we receive it.
In this episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, we will be answering three questions highlighted by Jessica Faught, a student neuroscientist:
1) Is Attachment disorder a diagnosis?
2) Is Attachment Disorder manageable?
3) Does Attachment improve after the parent or caregiver leaves an abusive situation?
Is attachment disorder a diagnosis?
Though some psychotherapy schools of thought say it is not, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), published by the American Psychiatric Association recognizes two types of attachment disorders, the reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and disinhibited social engagement disorder (DSED). Both types are common in young children who have been abused either directly or indirectly by witnessing abuse, bounced around in foster care, lived in orphanages, or separated from their primary caregiver after establishing a bond.
The difference between RAD and DSED is that children with Reactive attachment disorder (RAD) rarely seek comfort when distressed and often feels unsafe and alone. They find it difficult to connect with others and manage emotions, resulting in little or no self-worth, their being hypervigilant with a heightened fear of getting close to anyone.
Children with DSED seek comfort and attention from virtually anyone, without distinction, and don’t exhibit any distress when their parent isn’t present. This puts them at increased risk of harm from strangers.
Both forms of attachment disorders show up as with PTSD, anger and an undeveloped conscience where they there is no guilt, remorse or regret after behaving badly. This is most common in teens and young adults.
Attachment issues are at the root of a lot of mental health struggles and unhealthy coping mechanisms.
The DSM-5 is used in the US and used in conjunction with the World Health Organization’s International Classification of Diseases (ICD) by mental health professionals in other countries.
Is Attachment disorder manageable?
According to the Mayo Clinic, with early intervention and the natural resilience of children, the signs and symptoms of attachment disorders can be improved.
With the patience of parents and caregivers and coaching and counselling from mental health professionals, attachment disorders can be treated. However, there is no quick fix and every child’s process is different. So, if you’ve been in a domestic violence situation and your child is acting out, patience is key. It is a long love walk to their healing.
A child who lives with violence is forever changed, but not forever "damaged." There's a lot we can do to make tomorrow better. Don’t give up.
Does Attachment disorder improve after a parent or caregiver leaves an abusive situation?
For so many women, the most dangerous state is after the storm has calmed. So, the time they leave the abusive situation is the time where the Attachment disorder is at its worst. This is most common where children have been exposed to the abusive relationship for longer periods of time.
Domestic violence strains the mother/child bond and where it has led to an attachment disorder, this can be reflected in the following ways:
Disrespect for their mother. Seeing their mother being abused erodes the children's view of her as a person worthy of respect thereby undermining her parenting authority.
When the man leaves the home, children may be more out-of-control, angry, sad or in conflict with others including siblings.
The disruption associated with the move from the abusive situation can have a negative impact on children's behaviour and some children will blame their mothers for unwelcome changes like - a decline in standard of living, residential moves, changing schools, disruption in a child's peer relations, and perhaps one or more stay in a shelter.
The children may be angry that mum stayed with him, afraid she will go back, or worried she will get involved with another abusive man. They may not trust her to keep them safe and may even doubt if she loves them.
In trying to cope, especially in the teen years where there is increased peer group influence and desire for acceptance, children may begin to use high risk behaviours to impress peers (e.g., theft, drugs); may increase time away from the home; may engage in risky coping habits like indiscriminate sex to seek closeness or intimacy, substance abuse to numb self and unhealthy eating practices like food addiction or eating disorders due to lack of self worth.
Attachment disorders show up in so many ways and for many they remain undiagnosed and they grow up with these challenges and struggle through life.
If you are in an abusive situation and you have children, the impact of staying when there is no attempt to change the situation can have a lifelong effect on the lives of every member of your family.
Please talk to a shelter in your community and learn how you can get support. For more information about attachment disorders and what you can do as a parent, see the links in the shownotes. Arm yourself with information but most importantly, visit your health care provider for proper guidance.
In the next episode of Messy Can’t Stop Her, Sonia will be sharing her story of fighting for her teenage son’s life when he started abusing substances to cope with the mental trauma caused by the domestic violence situation mom left.
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Thank you so much for listening. See you next time.